Friday, December 30, 2011

Asked to comment on rumors he has split with his wife, Katy Perry, Russell Brand said, in his own uniquely flamboyant-for-a-straight-guy clipped British way, with jazz hands a flitter and flopping lace cufflinks flying:

“Sure, we’ve had a few kerfufles perhaps an imbroglio and even a hulabaloo or two, but . . . I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Wow, if a guy who tries as hard as he can to look and sound gay and a girl who's famous for a song called "I Kissed a Girl" (and I liked it) can't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

Since you asked:

Haven’t told this story in a while, but it is worth re-telling. For my non-San Diego/non-football fans, Junior Seau is a Hall of Fame linebacker from the Chargers, he’s a hometown boy who cuts as big a swath in San Diego as did Tony Gywnn.

Cut to:

Crowded bagel shop and a long line that is moving slowly. A 30-something, attractive woman begins talking very loudly - almost shouting - on her cell phone;

Loud woman on cell phone:

“Guess who I just landed as a new client?”

We all know people who are so annoying they actually make you guess? Yep, she is one of them.

Loud woman:

“No, no, no, no, no. It’s Junior Seau. Gotta go.”

The guy next to me and I kind of raise eyebrows and say “Hmm.’

Loud woman calling next victim:

“Guess who I just landed as a new client? No, no, no . . .”

Me to my new buddy:

“I’m gonna guess its Junior Seau.”

Loud woman:

“Junior Seau. Gotta go.”


“See? I was right.”

New buddy;

“Amazing guess. Who’d you do it?”

Loud woman to next victim:

“Guess who I just signed as a new client? No, no, no . . .”

My new buddy:

“Let me try and guess. Uh, OJ Simpson?”

Loud woman:

“Junior Seau.”

My new buddy;


Now my new buddy and I are cracking up along with several people in line.

Loud woman to next victim;

“Guess who I just signed as a new client?”

No everyone in line is chiming in;

“Osama bin Laden?”



“Hillary Clinton?”

Loud woman;

“Junior Seau.”

Entire crowd as one:



"Darn. Didn't see that coming.”

Loud woman looks up with a very perplexed look on her face as everyone is giggling at her. But she then proceeds undaunted.

Loud woman:

“Guess who I just signed as a new client? No, no, no, no, no, no. Junior Seau. Gotta go.”

Now my new buddy and I are wondering out-loud what service she provides to Junior. Therapist? Car detailer? Real Estate agent? As I said, she’s fairly attractive, and Junior is recently divorced so I announce I have decided that she is a hooker.

My new buddy agrees and so do several people in line.

Loud woman:

“Guess who I just signed up as a new client? No, no, no, no, Junior Seau. Yes, really. Yeah, I just finished doing his two Rottweilers.”

My new buddy:

“Wow, kinky. ”

The whole bagel shop bursts into laughter. The loud woman storms out, jumps in her “Dog Groomer”-labeled van and takes off.