Friday, July 15, 2011

Have to admit I am not shocked at the J-Lo, Marc Anthony split
Just saying, the resemblance between Marc and Goldblum's latter fly stages not as far as it should be.

When did Giants pitcher, Brian Wilson, start looking like the evil spawn of Ulysses S. Grant and Adam Lambert?

Rumor has a Casey Anthony movie in the works. Working title? "That Bitch Should Fry."

The amazing United States Women's World Cup soccer team resonates and captivates American sports landscape. For the life of me, I can't see why. No lockouts, no sex scandals, no steroid trials, no DUI arrests. Hello? Yawn.

Obviously kidding. Truth be told, I like the women's team more than our men. The men are great, but one gets the feeling, deep down inside, if a guy scored a hot goal, but the team still lost, he wouldn't care. Just how a lot of guys are wired. Women's team is not like that. Teamwork and passion to help each other win. Sports at its best.

And we're playing Japan. Good thing it isn't a team that will garner a lot of sympathy due to a tragedy. My word, was the Haitian girls orphanage team busy?

The Rolling Stones : Sympathy For The Devil (live) HQ

Best. Band. Ever. (Sorry, Beatles, but you know it's true) Slappin' dah bass, mahn.
Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In CA, a Garden Grove man’s girlfriend cut off his penis and ground it in the disposal. Upon hearing this, Maria Schwarzenegger said; “You can do that?”

Pittsburgh Steeler, James Harrison called the NFL commissioner, his boss, Roger Goodell, the devil, stupid and an anti-gay slur. Apparently Harrison wants to try his hand working in the fast food industry.

It will be the United States versus Japan in the Women’s World Cup, Sunday. Good thing we’re not playing against a team that will generate a lot of sympathy due to a tragedy. Was the Haitian girls orphanage team busy?

Exotic animal owner, 49-year-old Sam Mazzolla, died chained to a water bed wearing a leather mask with a sex toy jammed down his throat. This now replaces drowning in raw sewage as my least favorite way to go.

The British Open starts today in Sandwich, England. To win a British Open you really have to work hard and want the media attention, so, to win at Sandwich, no bologna, it may sound cheesy, but you can’t loaf and you have to be a ham. Yep, professional comedy writer here.

In Penn, “The Beaver County Times” reports a woman was attacked by her songwriting boyfriend when she complained he didn’t write her a love song. It could be worse, he could have written a song about her called “The Beaver County Times.”

Army Sgt. Leroy Petrie got the Medal of Honor. Shot in both legs in Afghanistan, Petrie grabbed a grenade and threw it saving the lives of two comrades, while losing his hand. Meanwhile, congress met, did not pass the debt ceiling then went out for a boozy lunch and slept with their mistresses.

The debt negotiations between the White House and Congress are not going well. The most civil thing said all day was a New Jersey congressman who said; “Yo, I have to go to the head and drop a deuce.”

Since you asked:

Just made an awesome tuna melt sandguido. Mixed high quality canned tuna with tarter sauce, added capers, diced onions, sea salt, pepper. Put it on a fresh French roll, covered it in cheddar cheese and baked it until the cheese melted and the bread was crunchy.

It don’t matter. You could live in villa on the beach in Santa Barbara, the split second you open a can of tuna, you and your home smells like you’re living in a roach-infested, rusty fly-ridden trailer home outside Mesquite, Nevada. I’ve been OCD- washing my face and hands like Howie Mandell, I still smell like a trash dumpster outside of a Bakersfield, CA Long John’s Silver.

Hang on to your wigs and keys, Slats and Nugsters. This Shacknai mistress murder/suicide in Coronado promises to be a wild ride.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Hey ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is what I say ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here's the million dollar question: when does OJ get out of prison so he can start dating Casey Anthony?

When I see someone I know, I think, oh, shoot, what's their name? Oh yeah. And their spouse's name? Got it. And what are we going to talk about if they stop to chat? Oh, right, when we are going to have them over for dinner. Or their kid's soccer team. Shoot, what's that kid's name? Oh, right.

And then it turns out it isn't the person I thought it was? I get really pissed at that awful person. How dare you make me do all of that homework for nothing, you filthy friend impersonator, you.

Pippa Middleton? In the immortal words of Stewie Dogs:

"You point one at her, she'll know what to do with it."

Hey, he said it, I didn't.

The Ying and Yang doggies. Kasey, rest her soul, in front, Wrigley in back. Wrigley seems to be adjusting pretty well, but it breaks my heart when he goes to look for Kasey.

In the arms of the Angels, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Seven Eleven is selling their own label of wine. It comes from the winery: Estates of Bitter Sorrow.

Sadly, Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of “The Brady Bunch” and “Gilligan’s Island” passed away at 94. According to his wishes, he will be buried along with a treasure map, the football that broke Marcia’s nose and a banana cream pie baked by Mary Ann.

The main freeway into Los Angeles, the 405, will be closed for over an hour this weekend. Sadly, commuters will not be able to tell.

The US women’s World Cup team faces France in the semifinals after defeating Brazil in the Quarterfinals. It will be tough, the match against the French promises to be a lot hairier than the one against the Brazilians.

Rumor has it Pippa Middleton, was dating Prince Harry, Pippa is the sister of Kate who is married to William who is Prince Harry’s brother. And just where in the world do they get the nerve to make jokes about royal inbreeding?

A man in Garden Grove, CA, girlfriend drugged him, cut his penis off and threw it down the disposal. Guys, when she asks if those pants make her butt look fat, for the last time, the answer is no.

The guy who caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit gave the ball – valued at $250,000 – gave it to Jeter for nothing. Or as Derek Jeter calls $250,000, two and one third innings of work.

Since you asked:

How ‘bout that US women’s soccer team? As we expected, the game against France was tough. Apparently it isn’t just the French waiters who have been trained to keep things away from Americans.

My main woman, Abby “Baxter” Wambach is so clutch. If she was a leader of a military unit, anyone would be a fool not to follow her into battle. Poor Carli “Simon” Lloyd was off her game at center mid, but a key move by coach Pia “Yah Sure, Yahbetchya” Sundhage put Lauren “Don” Cheney in her spot and subbed in that little bunny of a firecracker, Megan “The Pasta” Rapinoe who was whip-out foldin’ money.

There was the clocklike usual stellar play of Shannon “The Full Package” Boxx and Amy “A-Rod” Rodriguez, Ali “Gerrrrr” Krieger and Amy “Too French” LePeilbet.

Add to the stellar defense of Christi “The Pony” Rampone, and Hope “In Her” Solo and the clutch goals and assists by Heather “The Spy” O’Reilly, the aforementioned Lauren “Don” Cheney and Alex “Morgy” Morgan, and a gutsy show by Becky “Too Soon to have a nickname” Sauerbrunn and you had one hell of a clutch game.

Hope they put the pride of Torrey Pines, Rachel “Anyone, anyone?” “Buehl-dog” Buehler in the finals against Japan. But “Too Soon to have a nickname” did a good job in her stead.

Just so's ya knows:

There is a new unit of measurement to gauge a driver's douche-ability. It is how far they extend into the cross walk at stop lights and stop signs. There is no advantage to stopping in the middle of the cross walk. It gives impatient rude A-holes the impression it is quicker or an advantage without being one in the slightest.

For drivers coming the left side, it gives them the uncomfortable sense that this impatient oxygen thief is about to hit them.

All stopping your car in the crosswalk does is impede the vision of drivers on the other side trying to gauge the oncoming traffic, and force pedestrians to walk around your car into traffic.

We get that they think they're a very important person who has to use every advantage to get where they are going sooner, but they aren't. They're just rude and selfish hose-nozzles not thinking about anyone or anything else.


You want to end rude behavior and save the budget in California? $1,000 fine for stopping a car in the crosswalk. Again, let those flaming excrement nozzle-gobblers pay for for the rest of our problems.

Here is my question for the day: How many times am I going to walk outside and expect to see Kasey, remember that I won't, and then get horribly sad?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

In Texas, a baby boy was born who weighed 16 pounds, one ounce; asked to comment, the mother said; “Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhooooooooowwww.”

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

James Taylor - "You Can Close Your Eyes"

For my little Monkey Pants
Kasey, 8/23/95, 7/11/2011

Our little worried bear, Kasey, passed peacefully yesterday. We will love you every day.

Ann Caroline, Virginia and Wrigley are doing pretty good for sad folks. Me? Sometimes the sorrow washes down like a cold rain.

This is the poster of Julie Foudy AC has on her bedroom door

You can close your eyes, you can close your eyes, it’s all right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

During their brief visit to California, William and Kate went from playing polo in Santa Barbara to Skid Row in Los Angeles. Apparently they were on the M.C. Hammer tour. 

The US defeated Brazil in the women’s World Cup and now they will face France in the semi-final. That will be tough, the Americans only have three days to learn enough German to tell the French to surrender.

The incredible win over Brazil showed sexism is wrong, women are as strong, courageous and tough as anyone in sports. Plus our babes were way hotter than those Brazilian skanks.

New York Yankee star, Derek Jeter, hit a home run on his 3,000 hit; filthy rich, beyond talented, wildly successful and good looking. When is this poor Jeter guy going to catch a lucky break?

House Speaker, John Boehner, turned down President Barack Obama’s budget proposal; In a dramatic switch, Barack Obama was the one left red-faced and crying.

It has been hot, I was sweating like that FIFA ref watching a replay of her blown call.

The US beat Brazil in the women’s World Cup in Germany. The fans booed Brazil’s top player, Marta, as they should have. Marta flopped, cried, whined, moaned. The only way Marta could have been more annoying is if she sprayed herself orange and called herself Snooki.

Since you asked
Kudos to Julie Foudy for her great job announcing that awesome US win over Brazil. She was just like our team, positive and classy. While that Brit partner of hers, Ian Darke, was also quite good, he threw the towel in on us on several occasions. Foudy never did.

When the US was awarded three minutes of extra time at 120 minutes, “Loudy” said the team could still win, and she was right. In contrast to the flopping and whining Brazilians, our women maintained their composure, did not whine about the horrible calls and stayed positive.

By the way, thank you to Brazil’s Erika, if she hadn’t received a yellow for flopping, the ref would not have added the time we needed to win. She helped us win as much as their player, Daniela, who missed a PK and kicked in an own goal.

Here is the bet. My daughter attended Julie Foudy’s soccer camp one summer at UC San Diego. (Ann Caroline still has Julie’s poster on her front door – signed by Julie - and also wants to attend Stanford) At the camp, the other counselors goaded Julie into showing her chicken trot impersonation. It was dead spot-on and hilarious.

If the US defeats France, I say Julie Foudy has to go to midfield and do her chicken dance.

If France wins, Ian Darke has to pronounce controversy correctly.

Monday, July 11, 2011

What a sport

Like dust down a country road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot. I’m sweating like Rod Blagovejich watching “The Shawshank Redemption.”

It is so hot, Arnold Schwarzenegger offered to spoon with Maria just to feel the cold shoulder.

Casey Anthony is going to be released from jail on Wednesday. Let that be a lesson to anyone who covers up a death of a child and lies about it to the police. You could spend a little over a week in jail.

The Chicago Cubs came back from an eight run deficit to beat the Washington Nationals, 10-9. Of course, for the 11-games-out Cubs, that’s like Newt Gingrich hiring one campaign worker who didn’t quit.

NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” host, Chris Hanson, was not only caught cheating on his wife, he text-messaged naked pictures to his mistress. Look for Hanson’s new show on NBC, “We Caught a Hypocrite.”

It is so hot, the hookers on Santa Monica Blvd were blowing ON their customers.

In Ohio, a man in a gorilla suit advertising for a store, was attacked by a guy dressed as a banana. The banana jumped out of the bushes and knocked over the gorilla and the banana ran away. The banana-guy faces counts of assault, battery and hilarious irony.

Did you know that, on the Fourth of July, Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest winner, Joey Chestnut averaged over six hot dogs per minute? He ate 62 in ten minutes. All the Kardashians combined couldn’t handle that many wieners.

Republican candidate, Tim Pawlenty, revealed he is a big Lady Gaga fan. That could land him some youth votes, bringing his total number of potential votes to 32.

Since you asked:
So relieved for the pride of Torrey Pines, Rachel “Anyone?” “Buehldog” Buehler. Poor thing was so relieved after the US won she was weeping. That was a soft call at best. Rachel was going hard and it should have been a non-call. The great US coach, Tony DiCicco said it was not a foul. Marta is a flaming flopper. Yes, she has amazing skills, but, in the end, the Brazilians sealed their fate with their poor sportsmanship and flopping getting the extra three minutes the US needed tacked on.

To paraphrase the great sportswriter, Sally Jenkins, in “Dare to Dream” that was one of the best godd@mn games ever, not just women’s soccer, but best games ever.

If you don't want to believe lawyers are lying pompous douche bags - and four of the smartest people I know are very successful and great lawyers as well as great people - then don't watch the Casey Anthony dick-lawyer, J. Cheney Mason interviewed. What a fat, arrogant slimebag. Man did he and Casey Anthony deserve each other.

There is no way Casey Anthony and this blowbag, J. Cheney Mason, have a clue as to the amount of misery and hatred they have generated against them and how much it will haunt them, ala OJ and his attorneys, Kardashian, Cochran and Bailey. Reportedly the 12th juror had to quit her job and move out of Florida saying she would rather spend the rest of life in jail than having been on that jury. That might be unfair as the jurors were just doing their job.

But the scum bag attorneys and their lying client?

Let's hope it is much worse for Casey Anthony and J. Cheney Mason.

What's that expression? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's a duck?

Well Chicago Cubs GM, Jim Hendry, is a duck who cannot generally manage.