Friday, July 15, 2011

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In CA, a Garden Grove man’s girlfriend cut off his penis and ground it in the disposal. Upon hearing this, Maria Schwarzenegger said; “You can do that?”

Pittsburgh Steeler, James Harrison called the NFL commissioner, his boss, Roger Goodell, the devil, stupid and an anti-gay slur. Apparently Harrison wants to try his hand working in the fast food industry.

It will be the United States versus Japan in the Women’s World Cup, Sunday. Good thing we’re not playing against a team that will generate a lot of sympathy due to a tragedy. Was the Haitian girls orphanage team busy?

Exotic animal owner, 49-year-old Sam Mazzolla, died chained to a water bed wearing a leather mask with a sex toy jammed down his throat. This now replaces drowning in raw sewage as my least favorite way to go.

The British Open starts today in Sandwich, England. To win a British Open you really have to work hard and want the media attention, so, to win at Sandwich, no bologna, it may sound cheesy, but you can’t loaf and you have to be a ham. Yep, professional comedy writer here.

In Penn, “The Beaver County Times” reports a woman was attacked by her songwriting boyfriend when she complained he didn’t write her a love song. It could be worse, he could have written a song about her called “The Beaver County Times.”

Army Sgt. Leroy Petrie got the Medal of Honor. Shot in both legs in Afghanistan, Petrie grabbed a grenade and threw it saving the lives of two comrades, while losing his hand. Meanwhile, congress met, did not pass the debt ceiling then went out for a boozy lunch and slept with their mistresses.

The debt negotiations between the White House and Congress are not going well. The most civil thing said all day was a New Jersey congressman who said; “Yo, I have to go to the head and drop a deuce.”

Since you asked:

Just made an awesome tuna melt sandguido. Mixed high quality canned tuna with tarter sauce, added capers, diced onions, sea salt, pepper. Put it on a fresh French roll, covered it in cheddar cheese and baked it until the cheese melted and the bread was crunchy.

It don’t matter. You could live in villa on the beach in Santa Barbara, the split second you open a can of tuna, you and your home smells like you’re living in a roach-infested, rusty fly-ridden trailer home outside Mesquite, Nevada. I’ve been OCD- washing my face and hands like Howie Mandell, I still smell like a trash dumpster outside of a Bakersfield, CA Long John’s Silver.

Hang on to your wigs and keys, Slats and Nugsters. This Shacknai mistress murder/suicide in Coronado promises to be a wild ride.