Saturday, May 21, 2011

Tower Paddle Boards Surfing La Jolla Shores

This is where I am going and what I am doing tomorrow
Rapture did not capture my beloved Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

San Francisco is going to vote on a bill that would make it illegal to have a circumcision. So now, guys, the only thing you could have left in San Francisco is your heart.

Due to his separation for his love-child affair, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his film career as on hold. Yo, Arnold, you do need to put a hold on something, but it ain’t your career.

In his autobiography, rocker and “American Idol” judge, Steven Tyler claims he has been clean and sober for over a year and a half. Really? How weird did he dress when he was on drugs?

Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is changing his catch phrase from “I’ll be back” to “I should have whacked.”

In sad news, pro-wrestler Randy “Macho Man” Savage died when he crashed his car after suffering a heart attack. Who could have guessed a diet of cocaine, steroids and Slim Jims could cause heart trouble? What? Too soon?

San Francisco is going to vote on a bill that would make it illegal to have a circumcision. Not sure about the bill supporter’s chant though: “Keep the hood on the wood.”

Donald Trump announced he is not running for president in 2012 and that his short campaign was by no means a sleazy attempt at free publicity for his show “Celebrity Apprentice” which airs on NBC on Sunday night at 9:00 PM Eastern, Central and Pacific time, 8:00 PM Mountain Time.

Well Saturday’s rapture came and it wasn’t the end of the world. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger feels about that: damn it.

Since you asked:
Here’s what Arnold needs to do for a shot at redemption – and maybe a photo opportunity. He needs to study how Tiger Woods handled his scandal, and then do everything opposite.

Tiger’s cowering hiding, his lame ambiguous press releases and finally his all too late and all too little phony acts of contrition made us not only not want to forgive him, it made us even detest him all that much more for being the two-faced lying and cheating phony he is.

Like Tiger, Arnold is wildly rich and powerful and that means people are just dying for an excuse to hate him and bring him down. Unlike Tiger, much of Arnold’s success is due to his apparent upbeat personality and likeability. He needs to start being downright loveable, because the image we are getting of Arnold behind the scenes is truly ugly. Start rescuing puppies and skipping after butterflies with your kids, stat.

And, unlike Tiger, Arnold, hasta la vista, baby, put some freaking feeling into it.

Oh my word, it happened again.

Although not as bad as "The Dilemma", the "The Green Hornet" is another study in Hollywood gone wrong. It's as if somebody ordered Judd Apatow to make a "Batman" like movie, he didn't want to do it, but they threw too much money at him. (It isn't directed by Apatow, it just seemed like a half-ass effort on his part)

The silliness and the excess and the mindless destruction are apt for the end of days. And I love Seth Rogan and Cameron Diaz and James Franco. But honestly, a video made by them on on "Funny or Die" would have been more entertaining and a huge savings of time, money and props.

Sure, there are times Seth Rogan is funny doing his "I've smoked way too much pot" raspy chuckle, and there are some wild explosions and chase scenes and generally cool destruction, but far too few to merit watching this thing. Especially to pay to watch it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Charlie Brown Christmas Segment - Snoopy Dancing

Wow, you guys are so persistent. Fine, if you insist, here is that wonderful e-mail I got from Brazil:

I started with your blog over a year, and I read almost every day and love it. I love your no BS approach to things while still having a heart, insight on social behavior and rock history.

I only skip sports comments bc they make no sense to me – I’m Brazilian and a woman and only watch soccer (national religion as you know) in the world cup, so you get it.

Anyway congratulations and thank you for your work,


(Doing my best Eddie Murphy Donkey from "Shrek.") See that? She said noble steed.

Let's see more of this in the future, Slats and Nugs, or it is come-to Jesus time up in here.

The Sundance "No kidding around" Kid

Whoa, smack, bitty-bop, bang, shalang, kaboom, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train from California to Portland for talking on her cell phone for 16 straight hours. Now we know why Osama bin Laden wanted to blow up Amtrak.

Just saw a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love-child mistress, Mildred Baena. Wow, OK, first thing we have to do is stage an intervention and get Arnold off of his Viagra addiction.

In his autobiography, “American Idol” judge Steven Tyler said he tried gay sex once, and he just did not dig it. To which Ryan Seacrest said; “Quitter.”

Hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you’re gonna risk losing hundreds of millions in a divorce, you might not want to have an affair with a woman who resembles Shrek.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is putting his career on hold. Oh, he is the one putting his career on hold? Arnold’s career is so dead Mel Gibson isn’t returning his calls.

Apparently some devout Christians believe Saturday is the rapture and they will be swept into heaven and everyone else will be killed in the Apocalypse. Finally some good news for New York Mets fans.

Haley was voted off “American Idol.” She seemed fine, but Haley’s parents were upset, both Steven Tyler and Melissa Ethridge.

So how does this being swept into heaven for being a good Christian rapture thing work? Is it like Christmas where you just have to be good up to a certain date?

Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot comes down to a single gene. They are calling it the Ron Howard/Clint Howard syndrome.

Scientists say coffee can seriously cut down a man’s risk of getting prostate cancer. However, coffee has virtually no effect on a woman’s risk of getting prostate cancer.

Guys, this shows how far Starbucks has been sticking it to us.

Since you asked:
As I am a fan of Robert Redford’s work, but not necessarily of the individual, it has been interesting to read bits and pieces from reviews of his biography, but I don’t want to invest the time to read the whole thing.

An interesting fact that emerges is that Redford is difficult. He is driven and a perfectionist, but he is also chronically late and a cold and distant diva. William Goldman had very unflattering things to say about Redford letting success turn him into a paranoid recluse – implying heavy cocaine use or alcohol abuse if not both – without actually saying it.

Redford himself admitted to drinking himself out of a baseball scholarship at the University of Colorado. One of the psychological insights that Goldman offers is that many difficult movie stars are woefully insecure pseudo-intellectuals masking their humiliation of having failed spectacularly socially as well as educationally. Redford, Barbra Striesand, Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman to be specific. Beatty and Redford at least flunked out of freshman year of college, Hoffman and Streisand didn’t graduate from high school.

Utter social and educational failure early in life also helps explain the psychopathic womanizing Hoffman and Beatty indulge. Nobody needs to sleep with thousands of women who isn’t seriously screwed up psychologically and epically insecure. (See: Arnold*)

This also explains not-so-bright actors hilariously uninformed opinions on politics and yet their utter insistence of trying to appear politically astute.

That also explains why these actors are so mean and often sadistic to writers, directors and producers who they rightfully feel are vastly intellectually superior. Goldman described Hoffman’s abuse of “Tootsie” author, Larry Gelbert as borderline criminal. When Hoffman tried every way he could to have Gelbart fired, he resigned to naming a drinking buddy Gelbert despised as a co-writer so Gelbert wouldn’t get all the credit for writing it.

As for Hoffman, all Gelbert would say was the hilarious swipe;

“Never work with an actor who is shorter than the Oscar statue.”

Redford does amazing things with his specific cool rustic Sundance Kid style and single-mindedness. His personality also explains his gorgeous Redford-y looking restaurant Zoom in Park City, the tremendous menu selection – I had a rib-eye with a red wine reduction that rivaled my own - as well as the incredibly gorgeous and snotty, stuck up hostess literally looking down her nose at everyone who shows up to eat who dares not being Robert Redford.

There is no denying the giant impact Robert Redford has on the world. From his amazing films, his own ski resort, and the Sundance Film Festival to his huge impact on environmental issues. Nowhere is it written a guy who can do all of that has to be a nice, warm and fuzzy. Unlike we have discovered too well with the utterly phony Arnold Schwarzenegger, Redford is the real deal.

Redford is also a giant pain-in-the-ass who, like Clint Eastwood, works way too hard and, as a result, has almost no fun while doing it, working hard at living up to the impossibly iconic image they have so carefully crafted.Of Mick Jagger - who also fell way short academically, especially in the eyes of his fairly renowned professor father, Joe - Keith Richards once remarked;

“You’d think it would be a lot of fun being Mick Jagger, but he works extremely hard at it.”

In short, Paul Newman is Keith Richards, and Robert Redford is Mick Jagger.

*Obviously, Arnold’s insecurities were not physical short-comings, like Dustin Hoffman. But I will never forget the first time I saw Arnold. He was just a champion body builder and was a guest on the “Mike Douglass Show.”

Clearly without informing his panel of guests ahead of time, Douglass handed out cards for the guest to take turns reading. Right away I noticed something was horribly wrong with Arnold. This giant mass of a hulking man looked scared and terrified as a little kitten.

When it came his turn to read, Arnold froze. He tried muttering and finally just threw the card aside in abject embarrassment. Douglass and the other guests shared incredulous looks. At that time, whether it was due to a language gap or not, either way, the later-to-be-former Governor of California could not read English.

To be perfectly candid, I lost respect for Arnold Schwarzenegger ever since he opted to wear a dead biker's underwear in "The Terminator."

You're welcome for that image.

P.S. Wasn't it great getting that really nice e-mail from your reader in Brazil, Tatiana? Oh, what, you didn't get one? Well I did, so neener, neener, schaneener neee haw. (Doing the Snoopy dance) Thanks Tatiana.

when the levee breaks/led zeppelin

OK, OK, if you have to know, yes, I can play the harp on this.

Led Zeppelin-Going To California

In the melodramatic self-absorption that ensues with the naive vigor of youth, I was certain this was a my own personal message. Turns out it kind of was.
Catch the wind, we’re gonna see it spin, girl, we’re gonna sail away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A 59-year-old Wisconsin man, Don Gorske, celebrated eating his 25,000th McDonalds Big Mac. He buys ten at a time and then puts them in the freezer. Right next to the severed head of a drifter.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy and the first lady, Carla Bruni are expecting a child. The couple is not going to find out the sex of the child until it is born. Hell, they may never find out who the father is.

The French chief of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in a New York jail for trying to rape a hotel maid. The guy got naked, hid in the bathroom and jumped the maid. Or as they call that in France: a date.

The maid was disgusted and you can’t blame her. Imagine getting attacked by an old, naked French guy. The smell alone would kill you.

French first lady, Carla Bruni is pregnant. I don’t want to say the French first lady is promiscuous, but when they discovered Carla was pregnant, Bill Clinton left Europe for the US, Arnold Schwarzenegger became separated, and Donald Trump stopped running for president.

Sarkozy’s household staff is preparing for loud tantrums, cleaning up messy high chairs and putting in booster seats. And besides caring for Sarkozy, they’re getting ready for a baby.

When single, Carla had quite a list of celebrity lovers including Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger, Donald Trump, Kevin Costner and many more. Statisticians are working on how it was even possible Bruni missed Charlie Sheen.

Arnold Schwarzenegger slept with a house servant and she had his child. Or as the always positive Arnold likes to think of it, he was acting in the manner of the great Thomas Jefferson.

Republican candidate, Rick Santorum, said John McCain does not understand torture as well as he does. Sure, McCain was brutally tortured everyday in a Viet Cong prison camp for over 5 years, but Santorum had to endure rush week at the Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity at Penn State.

Because of his out-of-wedlock child and the upcoming divorce, Arnold Schwarzenegger could lose $150 million. That is a lot to pay to get your Schwarzen Egger’d.

Disney has procured the rights to the name Seal Team Six. Kinda wish Warner Bros. got it, then we could have had Foghorn Leghorn as Osama; “Boy, I say, boy, I’m not a terrorist, that right there - look at me when I’m talkin’ to you, boy - that right there is a terrorist.”

A 59-year-old Wisconsin man, Don Gorske, celebrated eating his 25,000th McDonalds Big Mac. For 39 years he’s averaged about two a day. And here is the bad news, gals: he’s taken.

With Oprah’s show ending, quite frankly, I’m a little worried. Prices are high and the economy is bad, I sure hope Oprah has saved enough for retirement.

Because of his out-of-wedlock child and the upcoming divorce, Arnold Schwarzenegger could lose $150 million. Even Charlie Sheen could keep it in his pants for that much.

Stories of Hollywood nice guy Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mistreatment of women are emerging. In short, Arnold treats women worse than critics treated “Jingle All the Way.”

Since you asked:

Arnold’s Hollywood career is stuffed. Mel Gibson stuffed.

We knew that, due to his wild abuse of steroids, Arnold built an incredible career in body building, Hollywood and in politics seemingly on the power of sheer will and positive thinking. Now we know just how fragile the base of that career is, worse, we got a full stench-y whiff of the immorality and the egomania that is really Arnold’s foundation.

If the basis of Arnold’s life is from cheating with steroids, why wouldn’t he think lying and cheating is fine? This is a cigar chomping ape who grabs and paws women like a psychopath and keeps a rabid pit bull on his payroll, attorney Marty Silver, to scare the women from pressing charges.

We all know Arnold cannot act. But it was fun watching him like it is fun watching a little kid pretend to be soldier or a cowboy. Now that we know the great big likeable little kid isn’t at all likeable, it will be no fun to watch Arnold act badly anymore.

And Arnold was stupid enough to blow it all on a maid. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a maid. But she knew what - and who - she was doing) Not a hot maid, either, a common looking maid. Let’s say Arnold's the kind of disgusting pig-monster that, even though married with four kids, got hot looking at a frumpy maid vacuuming his office. Even if he is that much of a vile penis head, doesn’t he have the decency to put on a condom?

Arnold didn’t. And now he is more screwed than any personal assistant from any of his movies. You can’t feel sorry for Arnold for the exact same reason you can’t feel sorry for Tiger Woods. Who you can feel sorry for are the people who desperately wanted to believe in a big, upbeat immigrant rising to the top on hard work and optimism.

Instead they’re stuck with an immoral cheater and a liar who happened to get incredibly lucky.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Yah got’s a know what you got’s a do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

India has made the cheapest car, the Tata Nano, which costs $2,000. It’s aptly named Tata Nano, you take a woman on a date in this and you won’t get a Nano-second on her Tata.

Fans of Harry Potter have begun playing the game quidditch on college campuses pretending their brooms really fly. And you thought the guys in the chess club didn’t get laid?

CNN anchor, Don Lemon, has announced he is gay. Good for him, your move, Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

Fans of Harry Potter have begun playing the game quidditch on college campuses pretending that their brooms really fly. And here’s the best part, college women: these guys are single.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car, the Tata Nano, which costs $2,000. It is so stripped down the GPS device is your nagging mother-in-law.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car, the Tata Nano, which costs $2,000. It is so stripped down the CD player is a kazoo on a string.

Fans of Harry Potter have begun playing the game quidditch on college campuses pretending their brooms really fly. Not all college campuses, just the ones where guys don’t ever get laid.

Our relationship with Pakistan is tense. In fact, on Facebook, our relationship with Pakistan went from complicated to downright Meat Loaf and Gary Busey-like.

The bad news is I was talking to this nice girl, just a friend, but she suddenly gave me the old phony; “Sorry, my phone is dying” brush off. The worst part? We weren’t talking on the phone.

Everyone knows the Osama bin Laden raid was accomplished by that awesome Navy Seal Team Six? Guess who just patented the name Seal Team Six? Disney. Great news, can’t wait to watch “The Suite Life of Zach, Cody and Seal Team Six.”

Fans of Harry Potter have begun playing the game quidditch on college campuses pretending that their brooms really fly. “Gosh, thanks for the offer” said a USC student, “But I’ll have sex on the roof with a babe instead.”

Lady Gaga became the first person to break 10 million followers on twitter. And that ends today’s story you parents will never understand.

“Don’t let that crazy meat-wearing bitch beat me,” tweeted Justin Bieber.

Guess who is now on twitter? The Taliban. OMG, like Akmed totally flirted with Haseem’s camel. WTF?

Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together on twitter. Gosh, what could possibly go wrong here?

Details of the Navy Seal raid on Osama bin Laden are emerging and let’s just say the raid did not go as smoothly as expected. At one point one Seal yelled at the other Seal for stealing his mother-effing sponges.

Luckily for the Seals, Osama was too busy watching porn to hear them come in.

First John Edwards had an illegitimate child with a staff member, so did Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now one of France’s top politicians, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in jail for raping a maid. If politicians are not careful, people are going to start thinking they’re sleazy.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You motor-boating son-of-a-bitch, you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump announced he is not running for President in 2012. Not sure who is more upset about this, President Barack Obama or every single comedian in the country.

That’s too bad he isn't running because Trump has such style, such class and he cares so much about other people, Bwha hah hah, oh, shoot, I thought I could say it with a straight face.

The government revealed there was a lot of porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer disks. “Gosh, I hope the CIA doesn’t look at my computer” thought most guys in the country.

They found some pretty disgusting porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer; especially “How I Met Your Mullah” and; “Dude, Where’s My Camel?”

They found some interesting things on bin Laden’s computer. Did you know his most-played song on iTunes was the rap song; “Give a hollah to a mullah when you see him on the street.”

Remember that old wives tale your mom used to use to get you to stop making faces? If you make a funny face it will stick? Turns out it’s true, look at Donald Trump.

When asked his opinion on gay marriage, Donald Trump gave a speech about golf putting. What does gay marriage have to do with a guy standing over a ball holding a putter and looking at a hole . . . wait, never mind.

Tijuana Mexico’s pro soccer team, the Xolos, might be promoted to the prestigious Primera Division. The Xolos full name is Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente. Which in Spanish means; “Drug lords please don’t shoot us.”

Barry Manilow is coming out with his first new album in ten years. “Wow, I can’t wait to buy that,” said no straight male under 60.

This could be the album of the year, provided the year is 1978.

A California woman is giving her 8-year-old daughter botox injections so the child can do better in beauty pageants. Navy Seals, we just found your next target. Take that crazy-assed mom out.

Steven Tyler debuted his single on “American Idol.” If you didn’t see it you can replay it by tasing my crazy hippy Aunt Daisy.

It is reported that in towns where the Navy Seals train, like Virginia Beach and San Diego, guys are lying to women about being Navy Seals to sleep with them. Women, here are some signs a man might be lying to you about being a Navy Seal:

His “Bieber Fever” t-shirt.

Tries to prove he is a Seal by balancing a beach ball on his nose.

Claims his Appletini is the Seal-approved cocktail.

“Top Gun” Maverick-like Navy call sign is “Dumbass.”

(Sorry, don’t have a sign here, our writer is out trying to hit on women in bars claiming he is a Navy Seal)

Shows you a Seal seal of approval.

Only evidence he is a Seal is to get all sassy and huffy and say; “Prove I’m not a Seal.”

Can you believe all the conspiracy theories following the Navy Seal raid on bin Laden? There is even a rumor that I had a part in the planning. Isn’t that the silliest, (finger-to-ear, talk into cuff) tango bravo niner team six, you are a go on Moammar K, repeat, a go on Moammar K. Sorry.

Insiders in Washington say our relationship with Pakistan is strained. It is so strained, we are seriously thinking of levying a hefty Big-Gulp and Slurpee tax.

It was a little awkward when former President Bush s
uggested we should deport Apu from “The Simpsons.”

Monday, May 16, 2011

The only dilemma in "The Dilemma" is whether this movie blows or sucks

Rock and Roll ain’t noise pollution, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ashton Kucher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men.” Except they are changing the title to “Dude, Where’s My Half a Man?”

There is a Los Angeles Lakers brand of bottled water. I tried it, it did not go well. The Laker water was too expensive, it swept through me and I had to go home early.

Wow, OK, fine, stop bugging me, I’ll give you my recipe for:

Lex’s incredses scrambled eggses

(Serves two)

Mix two eggs and two egg whites in a bowl (tossing two yolks away) Add a splash of milk and (this is the secret) a splash of chicken broth. (It makes the eggs taste as fresh as you got them right out the chicken) Mix very well with a fork adding crumbled feta cheese, shredded parmesan (not grated) sea salt, garlic powder, pepper and chopped fresh chives.

Heat dollop of butter in a non-stick pan until you can barely hear the butter sizzling. (Put the English Muffins in the toaster) Pour in the eggs and gather up immediately into a pile of a sort of half-assed looking omelet in the middle and then leave it alone, don’t keep mixing it up. Until you can start to see steam/smoke coming from underneath.

Then flip the clump as whole as you can with a spatula. Should see slight light brown char once it is all flipped. (Zap the bacon for 45 seconds in the microwave) Leave eggs on the uncooked other side until you see smoke/steam coming from underneath again and begin flipping the eggs (they should be much firmer by now) in the pan by hand fancy-chef-style. Do that until both sides have the perfect light brown/golden yellow char.

Serve with golden brown buttered English Muffins, microwave-nuked pre-cooked bacon, OJ and Coffee with a dollop of honey.

You are skank-hankin’ welcomed is what your narrow tuchus be.

Saw “The Dilemma” this weekend.

“The Dilemma” is an absolute study, it is a documentary, it is a scientific analysis on how, despite having every single factor in its favor: great director in Ron Howard; big budget; funny lead actors in Vince Vaughn and Kevin James; and hot-looking great actresses in Winona Ryder and Jennifer Connelly and a great location: Wrigleyville in Chicago, a movie can still suck really bad.

Oh, come on, you ask. How bad could a movie be that is "Wedding Crashers" meets "Paul Blart Mall Cop" meets "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" meets "A Beautiful Mind"? You won't believe how bad it can be until you see it and I am begging you not to see it.

It is almost dumbfounding how many things this movie is not. It isn’t funny, it isn’t suspenseful, it isn’t romantic, it isn’t a mystery, it isn’t an action movie, it isn’t, well, anything.

And yet you get the feeling this film was trying to be all of those things. It even has the now lame cliché of Queen Latifa as the foul-mouthed sassy big black gal. Imagine how god-awful a movie would be if you tried to make a chick-flick buddy movie? That is this dirge.

You know how Vince Vaughn plays himself and that is usually pretty damn funny? Like in “Wedding Crashers” when he asks Owen Wilson if he motorboated Jane Seymore’s awesome boobies, you can tell that is what Vince Vaughn actually improvised.

In “The Dilemma” they begin to let Vaughn be Vaughn – and that is why you first can’t tell this movie will suck so much – but then Howard puts a wet blanket on Vaughn for the rest of this dentist appointment-like death march of a movie.

Most movies I can tell if I like it or hate it in the first minute. Not the case with this shivering mass of yak dung. It starts out looking promising with the patented Ron Howard-has-to-use-his-useless-brother (believe it or not, yes, he has a first name, Clint) in-a-lame-cameo.

But the sucking begins straight away after that.

This movie sucks harder than Charlie Sheen going after a frozen margarita.

Despite the fact she is a thief and a nut-job, Winona Ryder is a hot looking and talented actress, right? By the end of this movie, she is such a cranky and bitchy drag of cat poop – how is it even possible she can yell and whine at the same time? - you want to see Winona get Bravehearted. (Yes, I turned the act of getting tortured and disemboweled into a verb using the movie “Braveheart.” You’re welcome)

The single and only good thing about this movie is the incredible hot-to-the-point-of-brain-exploding gorgeousness of Jennifer Connelly's legs.

Clearly, a group as talented as these folks did not start out with the intention of making a horrible, horrible movie. Especially Ron Howard. Even the usual excessive amount of cocaine used in movies in the Eighties could not rationalize why this movie ended up being so terrible.

Maybe it would have helped.