The only dilemma in "The Dilemma" is whether this movie blows or sucks

Rock and Roll ain’t noise pollution, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Ashton Kucher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men.” Except they are changing the title to “Dude, Where’s My Half a Man?”

There is a Los Angeles Lakers brand of bottled water. I tried it, it did not go well. The Laker water was too expensive, it swept through me and I had to go home early.


Wow, OK, fine, stop bugging me, I’ll give you my recipe for:

Lex’s incredses scrambled eggses

(Serves two)

Mix two eggs and two egg whites in a bowl (tossing two yolks away) Add a splash of milk and (this is the secret) a splash of chicken broth. (It makes the eggs taste as fresh as you got them right out the chicken) Mix very well with a fork adding crumbled feta cheese, shredded parmesan (not grated) sea salt, garlic powder, pepper and chopped fresh chives.

Heat dollop of butter in a non-stick pan until you can barely hear the butter sizzling. (Put the English Muffins in the toaster) Pour in the eggs and gather up immediately into a pile of a sort of half-assed looking omelet in the middle and then leave it alone, don’t keep mixing it up. Until you can start to see steam/smoke coming from underneath.

Then flip the clump as whole as you can with a spatula. Should see slight light brown char once it is all flipped. (Zap the bacon for 45 seconds in the microwave) Leave eggs on the uncooked other side until you see smoke/steam coming from underneath again and begin flipping the eggs (they should be much firmer by now) in the pan by hand fancy-chef-style. Do that until both sides have the perfect light brown/golden yellow char.

Serve with golden brown buttered English Muffins, microwave-nuked pre-cooked bacon, OJ and Coffee with a dollop of honey.

You are skank-hankin’ welcomed is what your narrow tuchus be.

Saw “The Dilemma” this weekend.

“The Dilemma” is an absolute study, it is a documentary, it is a scientific analysis on how, despite having every single factor in its favor: great director in Ron Howard; big budget; funny lead actors in Vince Vaughn and Kevin James; and hot-looking great actresses in Winona Ryder and Jennifer Connelly and a great location: Wrigleyville in Chicago, a movie can still suck really bad.

Oh, come on, you ask. How bad could a movie be that is "Wedding Crashers" meets "Paul Blart Mall Cop" meets "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" meets "A Beautiful Mind"? You won't believe how bad it can be until you see it and I am begging you not to see it.

It is almost dumbfounding how many things this movie is not. It isn’t funny, it isn’t suspenseful, it isn’t romantic, it isn’t a mystery, it isn’t an action movie, it isn’t, well, anything.

And yet you get the feeling this film was trying to be all of those things. It even has the now lame cliché of Queen Latifa as the foul-mouthed sassy big black gal. Imagine how god-awful a movie would be if you tried to make a chick-flick buddy movie? That is this dirge.

You know how Vince Vaughn plays himself and that is usually pretty damn funny? Like in “Wedding Crashers” when he asks Owen Wilson if he motorboated Jane Seymore’s awesome boobies, you can tell that is what Vince Vaughn actually improvised.

In “The Dilemma” they begin to let Vaughn be Vaughn – and that is why you first can’t tell this movie will suck so much – but then Howard puts a wet blanket on Vaughn for the rest of this dentist appointment-like death march of a movie.

Most movies I can tell if I like it or hate it in the first minute. Not the case with this shivering mass of yak dung. It starts out looking promising with the patented Ron Howard-has-to-use-his-useless-brother (believe it or not, yes, he has a first name, Clint) in-a-lame-cameo.

But the sucking begins straight away after that.

This movie sucks harder than Charlie Sheen going after a frozen margarita.

Despite the fact she is a thief and a nut-job, Winona Ryder is a hot looking and talented actress, right? By the end of this movie, she is such a cranky and bitchy drag of cat poop – how is it even possible she can yell and whine at the same time? - you want to see Winona get Bravehearted. (Yes, I turned the act of getting tortured and disemboweled into a verb using the movie “Braveheart.” You’re welcome)

The single and only good thing about this movie is the incredible hot-to-the-point-of-brain-exploding gorgeousness of Jennifer Connelly's legs.

Clearly, a group as talented as these folks did not start out with the intention of making a horrible, horrible movie. Especially Ron Howard. Even the usual excessive amount of cocaine used in movies in the Eighties could not rationalize why this movie ended up being so terrible.

Maybe it would have helped.