You motor-boating son-of-a-bitch, you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump announced he is not running for President in 2012. Not sure who is more upset about this, President Barack Obama or every single comedian in the country.

That’s too bad he isn't running because Trump has such style, such class and he cares so much about other people, Bwha hah hah, oh, shoot, I thought I could say it with a straight face.

The government revealed there was a lot of porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer disks. “Gosh, I hope the CIA doesn’t look at my computer” thought most guys in the country.

They found some pretty disgusting porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer; especially “How I Met Your Mullah” and; “Dude, Where’s My Camel?”

They found some interesting things on bin Laden’s computer. Did you know his most-played song on iTunes was the rap song; “Give a hollah to a mullah when you see him on the street.”

Remember that old wives tale your mom used to use to get you to stop making faces? If you make a funny face it will stick? Turns out it’s true, look at Donald Trump.

When asked his opinion on gay marriage, Donald Trump gave a speech about golf putting. What does gay marriage have to do with a guy standing over a ball holding a putter and looking at a hole . . . wait, never mind.

Tijuana Mexico’s pro soccer team, the Xolos, might be promoted to the prestigious Primera Division. The Xolos full name is Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente. Which in Spanish means; “Drug lords please don’t shoot us.”

Barry Manilow is coming out with his first new album in ten years. “Wow, I can’t wait to buy that,” said no straight male under 60.

This could be the album of the year, provided the year is 1978.

A California woman is giving her 8-year-old daughter botox injections so the child can do better in beauty pageants. Navy Seals, we just found your next target. Take that crazy-assed mom out.

Steven Tyler debuted his single on “American Idol.” If you didn’t see it you can replay it by tasing my crazy hippy Aunt Daisy.

It is reported that in towns where the Navy Seals train, like Virginia Beach and San Diego, guys are lying to women about being Navy Seals to sleep with them. Women, here are some signs a man might be lying to you about being a Navy Seal:

His “Bieber Fever” t-shirt.

Tries to prove he is a Seal by balancing a beach ball on his nose.

Claims his Appletini is the Seal-approved cocktail.

“Top Gun” Maverick-like Navy call sign is “Dumbass.”

(Sorry, don’t have a sign here, our writer is out trying to hit on women in bars claiming he is a Navy Seal)

Shows you a Seal seal of approval.

Only evidence he is a Seal is to get all sassy and huffy and say; “Prove I’m not a Seal.”

Can you believe all the conspiracy theories following the Navy Seal raid on bin Laden? There is even a rumor that I had a part in the planning. Isn’t that the silliest, (finger-to-ear, talk into cuff) tango bravo niner team six, you are a go on Moammar K, repeat, a go on Moammar K. Sorry.

Insiders in Washington say our relationship with Pakistan is strained. It is so strained, we are seriously thinking of levying a hefty Big-Gulp and Slurpee tax.

It was a little awkward when former President Bush suggested we should deport Apu from “The Simpsons.”