Friday, May 07, 2010

The dust that Pancho bit down South ended up in Lefty’s mouth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It turns out Times Square Bomber, Faisal Shahzad, vacationed in Pakistan several times. You’d think that might be a red flag, that and his “I (heart) Osama bin Laden” bumper sticker.

A 23-year-old Mobile man won a million dollars scoring the high score on a video game. The million dollar prize means he may become the first avid male video game player ever to get laid.

The world’s oldest person passed away at 114. Police continue to unsuccessfully track the world’s oldest person serial killing rampage.

Authorities were able to capture Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad using his IP address which tracks all online activities including porn sites. As a result, the entire Securities Exchange Commission has been placed on the No Fly list.

“Sports Illustrated” described an ugly picture of Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger. Apparently Ben vulgarly disrespects women in bars and leaves without paying his tab. No shock though, Roethlisberger is an old German word meaning: Microscopic Penis.

Sales of Roethlisberger’s jerseys are in the toilet, right where Ben likes to have sex in bars.

“Sports Illustrated” described an ugly picture of Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger. Apparently Ben gropes women in bars and leaves without paying his tab. Which shouldn’t be a surprise when you consider the name Roethlisberger is German for: Tiger Woods.

The oldest person in the world passed away at 114; thus making the title: oldest person in the world the worst title to have next to: Michael Moore’s Proctologist.

Times Square Bomber, Faisal Shahzad, visited Pakistan, bought bomb ingredients online and paid cash for a one way ticket to Dubai. Let’s go ahead and put the terror alert level to: We’re screwed.

Nike has stuck with sex scandal athletes like Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods and now Ben Roethlisberger. But Nike does have standards, they probably would have dropped OJ Simpson, Turns out the name Nike is an acronym: Nookie Included, Killing Excluded.

Nike has stuck with sex scandal athletes Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods and now Ben Roethlisberger. I don’t want to say Nike’s image is soiled, but their new motto is: Just Do-do it.

In Indiana, a 72-year-old grandmother is having an affair with her 26-year-old grandson and she says the sex is great. The best part of sex for him? The hard candy she gives him afterwards.

In Indiana, a 72-year-old grandmother is having an affair with her 26-year-old grandson. And that concludes this year’s “White Trash of the Year” awards. Sorry drunken lawn mower rider, sorry meth-addict hiding in manure, you simply cannot beat that.

The Arizona immigration law is so strict, all the Arizona Chi-Chi’s are changing their name to Doug-Doug’s.

Since you asked:

You know what is so great about my new diet/exercise program? No, seriously, I am asking.

Ha, ha, all kidding aside, it has been fun. Essentially eating much better to the point of being a vegetarian all day, and then not going nuts with dinner. Grilled chicken, fish, pasta, occasional grilled steak.

The exercise consists of getting back on the track in an old-guy way and doing interval strides. Nothing that would tear a hammy or an achilles, but pushing it. Add on lots core exercises including the Indo board, jumping rope, juggling a soccer ball, dumbbells, push ups, sit ups, running stairs and the occasional 3 mile run for aerobic. That and a at-least-once a week stand up paddle board session.

Now the weakest link of my program is the evil wine. And the more-than-occasional San Diego Sunset. (Mount Gay on the rocks, big splash of coconut water, squeeze of lime) But, hey, I am not training for the Olympics here so why not?

Already I feel better, sleep better, my pants fit better and I am seeing progress. Long way to go, but the great thing about a fitness program is it gives you a chance to be a winner each and every day. Work out and eat well and you’ve won.

Of course, along with that comes the chance of being a loser each day. But the great part is it is up to me. Not anyone else. Me.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Oh, I'm sure his buddies didn't tease him about this at all

Let me light your candle ‘cause, mama, I’m sure hot to handle now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Cinco De Mayo, which, for illegal Mexicans in Arizona, Cinco De Mayo means: This May We’re Sunk.

A coroner’s report claims 38-year-old actor, Corey Haims, died of natural causes despite eight different drugs found in his system. That’s like saying Abraham Lincoln died from bad acting.

The fallout from the strict Arizona immigration law continues. Today Tio Leo’s changed its name
To Uncle Lou’s.

After the “National Enquirer” claims Tiger Woods had 121 affairs, Tiger will play in the TPC this week. TPC stands for The Players Championship, TPC does not, repeat, does not, and never will stand for Tiger’s Penis is Chaffed.

At a Philadelphia Phillies game, a fan ran on the field and they tasered him. They are going to taser anyone on the field who isn’t a baseball player. More bad news for the Washington Nationals.

In honor of catching the Times Square bomber, the hookers in Times Square are offering a Times Square Bomber special. For $50 they’ll try to get you to go off in your car.

In honor of catching the Times Square bomber, the hookers in Times Square are offering a Times Square Bomber special. For $50 they’ll smoke you in your car.

More information coming out on the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad. He was a not-very-bright, unfriendly loner who surfed internet porn. How the Securities Exchange Commission missed hiring this guy, we’ll never know.

Since you asked:
You know what movie I used to like, but does not hold up well? “Broadcast News.” When did Holly Hunter’s voice become so annoying? I can take an S-talker or a hick accent, but not both.

And the workplace romance in the film used to remind me of the drama and flirtations of the suburban Chicago divas, debutantes, cheerleaders and princesses I used to find so alluring when I tried to date them in high school. (Think Molly Ringwald’s character, Claire Standish, in “Breakfast Club”) Now, thanks to maturity and experience and California, I find both the drama and those gossipy, spoiled divas of my memory a little annoying, even, in one or two cases, embarrassing.

The term coquette is cute when you’re 17. By 22 and counting it is intolerably self-indulgent and narcissistic. By age 30 a coquette is a sad joke. Somehow in the intervening years of our lives, a lot of those girls went from Molly Ringwald’s character, Claire Standish, in “Breakfast Club” to various versions of Martha Stewart. Now how scary is that?

That is not to say all suburban Chicago women are like that. Just the ones I was attracted to at the time. For some reason, until I got to Santa Barbara, I had a genuine stubborn masochistic tendency in the women I found alluring. Only the women who either did not like me or truly enjoyed torturing guys like me held any interest. It’s tough to have a good relationship when the biggest thing you have in common was a mutual doubt about me. I was insecure and they agreed I should be.

But not Betsy Fox, she was great. We were so young and innocent I am not sure it really counted, but, man, do I love it that I dated a great gal named Betsy Fox my sophomore year.

Truth be told, several of the women I talked to at my 10 and 20 year high school reunions were wonderful. Another Betsy, Ann and Marion specifically. (One of the prettiest and nicest ones, Katie, sadly, passed soon after the 20th)

But for the most part, I have no genuine sentiment for the women I “dated” in my callow youth. No hard feelings either, but no heart-warming sentiment nor wistful lingering fondness that a lot of people claim to have for their high school sweetheart.

That’s both sad and good, I guess. It would be more romantic to have a cherished high school crush to pine for in my mind, to sigh, smile and sweetly reminisce when I hear songs from the time like “Born To Run” “Layla” “Hotel California” “Stairway to Heaven” “Helplessly Hoping” and “Wild Horses.”

But I also think it is far better, and healthier, not to have a single solitary regret.

Of course, it helps greatly to have a wonderful and beautiful California wife, who grew up in Colorado.

With possibly one exception, all of my old and new friends would drop to their knees and thank heaven they married the woman they started dating in college or after and not any of the girls they dated in high school. Maybe it’s simply a maturity and or timing issue.

Happy early Mother’s Day, Virg. Without any question you and Ann Caroline are the best things ever to happen to me.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

It was then Diego began considering a career in car sales

Hey, hey, my, my, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The fallout from the strict Arizona immigration law continues. Today El Pollo Loco changed its name to The Whacko Chicken.

United Airlines is merging with Continental Airlines. Good thing Continental didn’t merge with Germany’s InterSky, that would form Incontinent Airlines.

More information is out about failed Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad. Turns out he was a loser professionally, socially and romantically. Even if he had blown himself up, instead of 72 virgins in heaven, he would have only gotten one 72-year-old virgin.

Siobhan Magnus got the boot on “American Idol” But don’t worry about her, Siobhan is going to join Sade in the “Missing H-in-their-name” tour.

At a Wisconsin pub where the patrons were cheering for the Milwaukee Bucks in a playoff game chanting “Fear the deer,” two deer crashed in through the window. It’s the oddest coincidence since Pee Wee Herman joined a New York Yankee party.

The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada became the first to hire a male prostitute for female clients. $500 for sex. Cuddling, sensitive listening and sharing feelings sold separately.

Diminutive actor Seth Green got married last week. It was cute, the couple wrote their own vows and he read his part while sitting on the bride’s lap.

More information is coming out about the attempted Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad. Turns out he played online poker on Facebook. Shahzad played with his poker buddies, Jihad, Mullah, Osama and one guy called “Death to Infidels” Fidel.

Continental is merging with United Airlines. Now if United and Continental merged with the Department of Transportation they would form Un-Constipation.

Since you asked:

Why Are Sports Writers Such Spineless Dorks?

Once again with the “SI” scorching-unflattering portrait of Ben Roethlisberger, as with Tiger Woods, it took a huge scandal for sports writers to grow a pair and stop kissing a successful athletes butt to reveal what a colossally huge a-hole they are and have been all along.

It didn’t take me five seconds of meeting Michael Irvin for me to figure out this guy was a psycho megalomaniac capable of the worst in human behavior. Many years later, Irvin stands accused of rape. But, prior to that, the national and Dallas press couldn’t smooch Irvin’s butt hard enough.

Maybe if all of the countless incidents the local Pittsburgh press witnessed of Roethlisberger groping women, vulgarly insulting them, treating service people like garbage and skipping out on bar tabs had been reported, Roethlisberger’s poor behavior would have been publicized and the sexual attack of at least two women may have been prevented.

But the Pittsburgh press was too busy smooching Pig Ben’s fat, ugly, hairy ass.

Pig Ben most-likely raped a hotel worker in his room and a bar patron in the bathroom in part because he felt bulletproof thanks to the coddling of him by the Pittsburgh press. They knew how Pig Ben behaved, but he won a Super Bowl, so they let his atrocities go unreported.

In his now second sexual assault charge, the evidence has a pretty, albeit intoxicated, 20-year-old Georgia coed emerging from being alone in a bar bathroom with Pig Ben screaming hysterically and with a savage bump on her head that required immediate hospitalization. Oh, and she has Pig Ben’s “swimmers” on her clothes.

How is this steaming pile of filth called Roethlisberger not in prison? A six game suspension? That isn’t a slap on his hairy palms.

And how about those smug flaming hypocrites at Nike? From eyewitness experience, I know for a fact the offices of Nike are chocked tight with full-blown Vegan radical feminists who can kick my ass up and down a mountain bike trail or softball field. How dare they support and work for a company that supports and pays Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger? How do they sleep at night?

How many Ryan Leaf’s does the NFL brass and press have to tolerate before they finally figure out covering up for a world class schmuck will not pay off? The public has the right and the need to know if a famous athlete is, at least, like Leaf, a vile wretch of a useless oxygen thief, or worse, a potential sexual predator or homicidal felon. And, as was the case with O.J. Simpson, two people paid that price of press-fueled-image-deceit with their lives.

The forensic evidence in the Ray Lewis murder trial clearly showed the victim’s blood on Lewis’s fur coat meant only one of two things: he either stabbed the victim, or held the victim while he was stabbed. And yet Lewis walks free, praises Jesus every chance he gets and is considered a hero by countless thousands. It is my deep-rooted belief Ray Lewis will murder again when fortified with enough booze and drugs.

From what I gathered of Ben Roethlisberger’s character, or lack thereof, from the “Sports Illustrated” article, despite his new bad publicity and narrowly dodging two sexual assault convictions, Pig Ben will undoubtedly drunkenly sexually attack some other father’s daughter. At that point, Pig Ben will finally go to prison.

But by that point, it will be way too late for the daughter and her father. And spineless sportswriters will be partially responsible.

And Nike's* image is so soiled now, their motto should be;

Just do-do it.

* Dear Nike:

If someone there is reading this - and I know you paranoid Google-crazed a-holes are - I will stop picking on you for a price. A hefty price. Like you, my soul can be purchased.

It was at this moment Carl started to think his second choice career as a comedy writer wasn't so bad.

You don’ gossado me no wrong, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Puerto Rico, for his wake, a man’s body was mounted on his motorcycle. The procedure was very expensive, plus he got a parking ticket and he was fined for not wearing a helmet.

The Gulf oil spill is a fiasco. There hasn’t been a more expensive drilling mistake since Tiger Woods nailed his 21-year-old neighbor.

Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 to save the Hollywood sign. Hef is sentimental, he has fond memories of the words Holly and wood.

Good news guys, Halle Berry has broken up with her model boyfriend. For those men who think they are interested in dating Halle next, there is a toll free hotline: 1-800 Oh Please.

President Bush’s book, “Decision Points” is coming out in November, right now they are editing and correcting it. “Uh, Sir, for the last time, there is no such word decisivelyness.”

President Bush’s book, “Decision Points” is coming out in November, it focuses on key decisions President Bush made during his term: “Chapter One: Boxers or briefs? Chapter Two: For here or to go? Chapter Three: Tastes great, or less filling?” 

In Tennessee, a woman had her son arrested for stealing sedatives from her bra; he was charged with theft, possession of a controlled substance and, worst of all, for snooping through his own mother’s underwear.

Troubled New York Jets Antonio Holmes was kicked off a flight to Las Vegas for refusing to turn off his iPod during landing. To give you an idea what Holmes is like, when he was on the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger was only the second stupidest jerk on the team.

Last week, a dog in Alaska led firemen through the woods to save a family from a fire. But the most famous animal that week was a cat who stands on a couch on YouTube. That’s it, dogs, you need to hire a better publicist.

Naomi Campbell slugged an ABC News camera when she became angry at the reporter’s question. The question? How is anger management therapy working?

New York City has opened an all dog nightclub. It’s called: Why the Rest of the World Hates Us.

Since you asked:
Remember the awesome old “NFL Films”? One of the greatest names of all time? Randy Gradishar. It was so great the way legendary narrator, John Facenda, would say it, he would gutturally over-pronounce every syllable ending with an arrr of which a pirate would be proud. Then they would launch into the overly-dramatic and slow rendition of that song done to the tune of “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”

Dun dah dah dun dah dah dun dun dun dun, dun dah dah dun dah dah dun dun dun dun . . .

Good times, good . . . times.

(Polite applause)

So my lovely 11-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, asks me;

“Daddy, do you know what flaturone means?”

Flatulent?” I ask.

“No, flaturone.”

So she pulls up the dictionary app on her Apple and types:


Guess who's new nickname is Flaturone?

Monday, May 03, 2010

Somebody has a case of the Mondays

We flea-doggin’ ‘n Toates McGoatsin’ all up in this here flambizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In response to Arizona’s strict immigration law, the mayor of San Francisco is calling for a boycott of Arizona. This means Arizona will have to choreograph their square dances themselves.

In a “Forbes” survey the most liked mascot was the San Diego Chicken. The least liked mascot? The S.E.C. Choking Chicken.

The SEC employees who were caught surfing porn as much as eight hours a day have not been fired. Yeah, nobody wants to shake their hands goodbye.

In a “Forbes” survey the most liked mascot was the San Diego Chicken. The most loved mascot? Pea Ridge West Virginia high’s Katy the Cute Cousin.

In a “Forbes” survey the most liked mascot was the San Diego Chicken. The least liked mascot? USC’s Tommy the Popped Trojan.

“The National Enquirer” claims Tiger Woods confessed to sleeping with 121 women while married to Elin Nordegren. That’s a lot of strokes even for a golfer.

Friends of Heidi Montag are rumored to be worried Heidi has an addiction to pain killers; that is shocking. Heidi Montag has friends?

Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah’s ark on top of Mt. Ararat. In fact, they may even have the transcript of the last comment from Noah’s wife, Nammah. She said: “Bad news, Noah, I think the male unicorn is gay.”

Sunday, May 02, 2010

She goin' left'r than a moficky
That how we do when we do the do that we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In London, Amy Winehouse was hospitalized after a fall. Doctors say she is doing remarkably well when you consider Amy should have been dead three years ago.

The “Peanuts” comic-strip characters have been sold to Joe Boxer, an underwear company. Here’s my question: Do you really want a character plugging your underwear named Charlie Brown? Still, I suppose it’s better than Winnie-the-Pooh.

Now officials in Arizona claim the new strict immigration law does not target Mexicans. Yeah, it’s designed to stop that pesky and growing influx of rowdy Newfoundlanders.

In Nebraska, a teenage boy blamed his car crashing into a pole on his dog vomiting on him; not only that, did you know what the dog ate that made him sick? The boy’s homework.

In Nebraska, a woman got mad at a man who called her fat and bit off a piece of his ear. Boy, she sure showed him, he called her fat and she ate him.

Wow, did you see who got kicked off “American Idol”? Yeah, I can’t pronounce her name either.

Childhood obesity is bad, today a kid ate his iPad because he thought an app was short for appetizer.

Childhood obesity is bad, in Arizona they had to use a fork lift to deport a fat illegal alien kid.

Turkish scientists claim the have found the remains of Noah’s ark on top of Mt. Ararat. They are going to bring in an eyewitness expert to verify it, Larry King spent his first honeymoon onboard.

Seven Eleven is selling its own beer called Game Day. Game Day is a much better name than their first idea: Looser Boozer.

$40 billion swindler Bernie Madoff turns 71 today. That’s 151 in old-guys-having-unwanted-prison-sex years.

The only individual charged with fraud in the Goldman Sachs case is trader Fabrise Tourre. Fabrise calls himself “Fabulous Fab” and he’s from France. And you thought you despised him before?

Since you asked:
Working on new nicknames for my Cubbie bubbies for 2010. Marlon “Alcatraz” Byrd. Derrick “D-lirious” Lee, Mike “B Harp” Fontenote (which is what you play for a song in F) Ryan “T-Crazed” Theriot, Alf “Gordon Shumway” Sorriano, Aramis "Cologne" Rameriz. “Dangling” Chad “Dick” Tracy, (Not to be confused with dangling dick)
Geo "Metro" Soto. And, for the Skip, Lou “Al Dente” Piniella. Oh, and Koske "My homay" Fukudome.