It was at this moment Carl started to think his second choice career as a comedy writer wasn't so bad.

You don’ gossado me no wrong, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


In Puerto Rico, for his wake, a man’s body was mounted on his motorcycle. The procedure was very expensive, plus he got a parking ticket and he was fined for not wearing a helmet.


The Gulf oil spill is a fiasco. There hasn’t been a more expensive drilling mistake since Tiger Woods nailed his 21-year-old neighbor.


Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 to save the Hollywood sign. Hef is sentimental, he has fond memories of the words Holly and wood.


Good news guys, Halle Berry has broken up with her model boyfriend. For those men who think they are interested in dating Halle next, there is a toll free hotline: 1-800 Oh Please.


President Bush’s book, “Decision Points” is coming out in November, right now they are editing and correcting it. “Uh, Sir, for the last time, there is no such word decisivelyness.”


President Bush’s book, “Decision Points” is coming out in November, it focuses on key decisions President Bush made during his term: “Chapter One: Boxers or briefs? Chapter Two: For here or to go? Chapter Three: Tastes great, or less filling?” 



In Tennessee, a woman had her son arrested for stealing sedatives from her bra; he was charged with theft, possession of a controlled substance and, worst of all, for snooping through his own mother’s underwear.


Troubled New York Jets Antonio Holmes was kicked off a flight to Las Vegas for refusing to turn off his iPod during landing. To give you an idea what Holmes is like, when he was on the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger was only the second stupidest jerk on the team.


Last week, a dog in Alaska led firemen through the woods to save a family from a fire. But the most famous animal that week was a cat who stands on a couch on YouTube. That’s it, dogs, you need to hire a better publicist.


Naomi Campbell slugged an ABC News camera when she became angry at the reporter’s question. The question? How is anger management therapy working?


New York City has opened an all dog nightclub. It’s called: Why the Rest of the World Hates Us.


Since you asked:
Remember the awesome old “NFL Films”? One of the greatest names of all time? Randy Gradishar. It was so great the way legendary narrator, John Facenda, would say it, he would gutturally over-pronounce every syllable ending with an arrr of which a pirate would be proud. Then they would launch into the overly-dramatic and slow rendition of that song done to the tune of “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”

Dun dah dah dun dah dah dun dun dun dun, dun dah dah dun dah dah dun dun dun dun . . .

Good times, good . . . times.

(Polite applause)

So my lovely 11-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, asks me;

“Daddy, do you know what flaturone means?”

“Flatulent?” I ask.

“No, flaturone.”

So she pulls up the dictionary app on her Apple and types:

“F.L.A.T.I.R.O.N.”

Guess who's new nickname is Flaturone?