Saturday, June 20, 2009

Happy Father's Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How about the rain at the US Open in Long Island? There haven't been this many water-logged rich white people since the Titanic.

Not sure any of these Long Islander folks follow golf. One woman from the Hamptons was overheard saying at the US Open; "This Tiger Woods sounds devine. Maybe we will build another summer home there."

How about all the rain they had at the US Open? There have been this many rich white people getting soaked since Bernie Madoff.

PETA complained when President Obama killed a fly on camera. Apparently PETA now stands for Pains En (Pretentious French spelling) The Asses.

PETA complained when President Obama killed a fly on camera. What a relief, because, for a while there, I was getting worried people thought PETA was a bunch of out-of-touch whackos with way too much time on their hands.

Friday, June 19, 2009

We gettin' time on the dime real fine, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"America's Got Talent' wants to find the American Susan Boyle. We already got that, only we call it: William Shatner.

Did you see President Obama kill that fly? President Bush used to have Dick Cheney water board them.

It seems more and more obvious just by the math of the protesters that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threw the Iranian election. It doesn't surprise me, this Ahmadinejad guy looks like the guy screaming obscenities at the dry cleaner because they couldn't get the Mai Tai stains out of his brown Members Only jacket.

This Ahmadinejad clown looks like a guy who gets in arguments and then threatens he has a black belt in Taekwando.

This Ahmadinejad clown looks like he works in a store front with metal bars on the window, water stains in the drywall and a ripped up Astroturf carpet.

This Ahmadinejad idiot looks like the cab driver who can't make change for anything.

This Ahmadinejad moron looks like a guy who wears an air freshener around his neck for cologne.

This Ahmadinejad looks like a guy sneaking around the back of restaurants to sell "meat" at a huge discount to cooks who don't ask too many questions.

The Ahmadinejad tool looks like a guy who has on his police record he was arrested for loitering at an adult book store.

Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. It's the worst elbow injury a Clinton has had since 1997 when Bill got tendinitis when he tried to quit interns for three months.

Let's play a rousing round of:

Scary or Hot?

Fergie? Gotta go with scary.

Megan Fox? Scary hot.

Kelly Ripa? Hot.

Angelina Jolie? Too many veins and tattoos. Could handle one or the other. Scary.

Kristen Stewart? Neither. Too artsy/bitchy/punky.

Madonna? Do I have to say it? Her arms alone are terrifying.

Cher? She would have to be half as scary just to get back to horrifying.

Kyra Sedgwick? Hot, but no more plastic surgery.

Pamela Anderson? She passed hot and was going so fast she ran right over scary.

Naomi Campbell? Scary wets its pants around her.

Lady Gaga? Since I don't really know what a Lady Gaga is, I have to go with scary.

Gabrielle Anwar? Hot, but like Kyra, let's watch the plastic surgery.

Eva Longoria? Hot but barely hanging by her skinny fingers from falling into scary.

Paris Hilton? So annoying she is scary.

Posh Spice? Used to be hot, now scary.

You wanna know who is hot? I'll tell you who is hot. That Blake Lively. Besides being a leggy blonde, her nose is just a tiny bit wide. That is what makes her hot. She is real world hot. And by the way, not only don't I know what "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" and "The Hills" are, I don't know what their channels are.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Let's give a shout out to all the people who don't use the term shout out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

60-year-old Billy Joel is getting a divorce from his 27-year-old wife, Katie Lee Joel. It's tough when a guy who would be as old as their age difference is still too old for her.

It's sad because he wrote a song for her:

"Don't go changin' my diaper to try and please me."

At the parade for the NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe Bryant led the crowd in a chant for a ring. It was almost as loud as the chant for a ring his wife Venessa started six years ago.

Shout out to Janice Hough for this story:

President Barack Obama gave a 56 minute speech to the American Medical Association. It is his longest speech to date. Are you kidding? Joe Biden can do 56 minutes standing on his hair plugs. Joe Biden can do 56 minutes just on teeth whiteners and self tanning. Joe Biden can do 56 minutes on talking for 56 minutes.

Joe Biden once did 56 minutes just introducing the guy who was supposed to speak.

During a White House interview, President Barack Obama swatted a fly and PETA objected. Does PETA still stand for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or does it now stand for Protesting Everything That's Annoying?

In an interview seen on TMZ, Paris Hilton said she is tired because she works too much. Paris, sweety, just because you've decided to start charging guys to do you, it doesn't really qualify as work.

In Alaska, a 6-year-old girl caught a 138 pound halibut. And she got to keep it because, sadly, the fish died of humiliation.

In Alaska, a 6-year-old girl caught a 138 pound halibut. I'm warning you right now, David Letterman, don't even think about making a joke about that Alaskan girl or Sarah Palin will hunt you down like a moose.

A California restuarant held an eating contest that featured a five pound burrito. The real loser? The plumber the winner will have to call.

In an interview with David Letterman, actor Ryan Reynolds admitted his hobby is tending bees. The guy is married to Scarlet Johansson and he spends his time actually making honey when he could be figuratively making honey with Scarlet. And Hollywood wonders why we hate them.

There is a poorly kept NBA secret tradition that the players at the victory parade are all horribly hungover. And I think it's true, Kobe Bryant was still so drunk he gave a $4 million diamond ring to his wife Venessa for the hosing he gave the Orlando Magic.

Sunday is Father's Day and I am warning you, Letterman, don't even think about doing a Palin daughter joke.

Critics say Bruce Springsteen's "Living in the Future" is a case of self-plagiarism of "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out." Hey, self-plagiarism is serious, it killed David Carradine.

This has not been my week. I decided to follow Paris Hilton on Twitter? Now my Twitter has a nasty S.T.D.

Since you asked:

No lie, not that I am proud of it, but I did try to follow Paris Hilton on Twitter. Five minutes and I had to remove her. She makes so many freaking posts it is mind-blowing, but the last one that lectured me to do more for the refugees in Africa was the last straw. What a self-important moron.

Is it just me or does Bruce Springsteen look like an older brother of Adam Sandler doing a killer Bruce Springsteen imitation?

Killer grilling tip:

For the better cuts of steak - top sirloin up to fillet mignon and T-Bones - I got a great way to grill them. Use on old school Weber kettle grill and heat up mesquite lump charcoal in your trusty chimney lighter. While that is lighting, pour olive oil over the steaks on both sides and let them rest up to room temp.

When the coals are ready, pour them out in a pile against one wall. Salt the steaks liberally with sea salt and put the steaks on the grate at the other end of the Weber away from the coals. Leave the top off but handy. Go inside and crush about six or more garlic cloves in a bowl and add a dash of water to make it look like a paste.

After about ten minutes per side - the steaks take longer using this "Argentinian style" of slower cooking them over indirect heat - throw the garlic paste right on the fire, immediately place the steaks right over the coals and cover the top of the Weber with the holes open. After a few minutes, flip the steaks. Add olive oil and salt again and let them rest under tent of tin foil. The garlic smoke will mix with the mesquite and the steaks will be unbelievably juicy and tasty.

Often I will saute garlic and finely chopped onions, add a cup of red wine a big dollop of Worcestershire and ketchup and garlic powder and reduce to half for a steak sauce.

Big glass of red wine, mixed salad, Cubs game and there you go.

Remember, do not throw the garlic paste on the steaks, throw them on the coals. Once some got on a steak and the garlic burned brown and bitter tasting.

Seriously, if you want to pay me for this stuff, I will let you.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

New York authorities are going to crack down on the dangerous overflow of Canadian geese; Canadian geese are easy to hear, they're the ones who go "Honk, eh?"
We flankin' and tankin' and crankin' all up in this bofizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in:
After announcing his retirement, Sammy Sosa was nailed for taking steroids in 2003. And it gets worse. At his retirement home, Sosa was caught playing shuffleboard with a corked cue.

Tens of thousands gathered in Los Angeles to watch the Lakers NBA Championship parade. Not to be left out, the Clippers fans had their own parade and afterwards got a booth at the Rancho Cucamonga Dennys.

Tens of thousands gathered in Los Angeles to watch the Lakers NBA Championship parade. Since Michael Jordan, it has been a poorly-kept secret tradition that the players attend the parade sleepless and horribly hung-over. Or as Dennis Rodman calls that, Wednesday morning.

Sarah Palin reluctantly accepted Letterman's apology in the hope men who joke about sexual exploitation of young women will evolve. Letterman has not heard an apology acceptance that lame since his honeymoon.

"The New York Times" has describe Ruth Madoff as the loneliest person in New York; which is ironic because, in prison, Bernie Madoff's dance card is quite full indeed.

I'm still not sure about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad clown. He looks like a guy who takes coins out of the penny dish when the Seven Eleven cashier isn't looking.

I'm still not sure about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad clown. He looks like the guy at the swap meet arguing over the price of tube socks.

In Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is declaring himself the winner in a very shaky election. His opponent, al Gore-jad, has no choice but to gain a lot of weight and whine about global warming.

Since you asked:

It really was stunning to see the segment on "60 Minutes" about the guy who blew the whistle on that scum-bucket, Bernie Madoff. They showed clips of Madoff holding forth in meetings and his air was unbelievably pompous, arrogant and condescending, at the exact same time he knew his scam of stealing billions from old widows and children's cancer charities was about to come crashing down.

There are instances where life in prison or even the death penalty are simply not good enough and this is one of them. While rotting in a maximum prison is no picnic, it sure beats the uncertainty and terror facing the people Madoff left utterly penniless.

At this point we can only hope for a Jeffery Dahmer-like case of in-prison vengance.

But it does make me feel better to know that vile wretched witch, Ruth Madoff, is penniless and shunned.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

This just in:

In the Iranian election, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad out, al Frankenejad in.

So as not to be left out by the rioting Lakers fans, today the Clipper fans rioted also; well, not so much as rioted, but they did refuse to make and fold up their Futon in their parent's basement.

Can you believe Britney Spears is going to be 28 this year? Her two kids are getting so big it is getting harder and harder for Britney to pick them up and drop them.

(In case Sarah Palin sees this, I would like to go on record and say I am neither condoning nor endorsing the dropping of small children)

Britney is at that awkward age, too young to be a has been, to old to be a lost, troubled kid.

Friday all TV's had to be on digital. It is heartbreaking to see Andy Rooney spending the better part of his evenings swearing at and batting his TV's rabbit ears.

A fashion designer in Beijing produces outfits exclusively for dogs. This being China, let's hope it doesn't bring a new and ugly meaning to dressing for dinner.

A company has made a solar powered vibrator. Guys, you thought your woman got cranky when it rained before?

We all kinds of slappy, tappy and happy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For the first time in years, they are going to open the crown of the Statue of Liberty to all visitors. All except the New York Knicks, they are so bad they can't get inside anyone's head.

It will be the first time in years more voices will be heard in the Statue of Liberty's head than in Manny Rameriz's head.

How about that NBA Laker celebration in Orlando? I've seen more emotion at insurance seminars.

The Chicago Cubs host the White Sox at Wrigley Field. This is a friendly rivalry in the same way Bernie Madoff's clients are a little disappointed in their investment's returns.

There is Gwen Stafani (No Doubt) Kobe Bryant is a great, great player. But did you notice when they handed Bryant the NBA trophy, everyone around him looked like the unwilling guests at the rich brat's birthday party? "Eww, his nibs got another expensive toy, oh goody."

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were on "The Today Show." The segment was titled "Why the rest of the world hates us." The press combines their first names to form Speidi. Why? It is more accurate to combine their last names, Pratt-Montag, and make Rat Poontang . . . OK, so it almost does.

Since you asked:

There is Gwen Stafani (No Doubt) in my mind that, as an old school midwestern class act and father, David Letterman, feels genuine remorse that Todd and Sarah Palin and their supporters are hurt and upset over the joke Letterman made about the Palin daughter getting pregnant at the Yankee game.

But there is also no doubt that, in order to be offended at the joke, you either have to be too stupid to understand Letterman meant the 18-year-old mother, Bristol, and not the 14-year-old, Willow. That or the Palin's are simply using this unfortunate case of mistaken identity as an opportunity - at their own daughter's expense - to garner free publicity.

Either way, there is nothing to apologize for. Letterman says it was the difference of intent versus perception. Well, the lack of perception on the Palin's part -or far worse, their attempts to manufacture false outrage for free publicity - is not Letterman's fault. Letterman can't help it if they are stupid and or greedy for attention.

Either way we need to get back to what is important: humiliating those idiots Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

There was a brief time, right after her speech at the Republican convention, when I was a big fan of Sarah Palin. As a devout undeclared, I wanted to see a tight election race and it seemed John McCain was almost headed for trouble.

It seemed to me Palin was a much more digestible choice for women who were not staunch far left Hillary lovers, which is most women.

But incident after incident slowly revealed Palin to be wildly under-qualified. She is all flash and appearance because there simply is nothing else there. All Tina Fey did was practically repeat word for word Palin's interview with Katie Couric and it was hilarious and sad at the same time.

Gwen Stefani about it (Oh, would you stop with that lame Gwen Stefani substitution for no doubt? It is never going to catch on) the election was over the split second Tina Fey said;

"I can see Russia from my house."

Her later appearance on "SNL" aside, remember Palin didn't appreciate that joke either.

Monday, June 15, 2009

This just in: A plastic surgeon has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. He calls it a 2009 Kirsty Alley GT.

Recently Clay Aiken said, on his blog, that Adam Lambert singing made his ears bleed; as the only two openly gay "American Idol" contestants, you'd think they'd have each other's back and stick together in the end. Wait, that didn't sound right . . .

This Iranian election is ugly. Now, instead of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you know who they think the winner is? al Franklinejad.

Since you asked:
When did bands become simply an audio fashion accessory? Now instead of listening to great music for the sake of great music, identifying your music preference is more of a way of posturing your social hipness status. The more obscure and independent the band you like the hipper you are. Today the Beatles wouldn't stand a chance. Way too mainstream, corporate and fascist.

It was interesting to go back a peruse Eagle guitar great, Don Felder's "Heaven and Hell" bio about his time with the big buck birds. When he joined he would not of spent his money on an Eagle album. He identified them as country and he associated country with dumb rednecks where he grew up in Gainesville. Felder's taste ran more to Clapton and Yes and B.B. King. To quote Matt Dillon's indy rocker character in Cameron Crowe's "Singles" it's all lifestyle and beer music.

People ask me all the time, they ask, Lex, what with possibly connecting your blog to Twitter, Facebook, video clips from Hulu and YouTube and getting pictures posted straight from your cell phone, how come "A little Bit bad" is so bare bones with just writing? And by asking all the time I mean nobody has ever asked . . .

We, all the good people here at A.l.B.b. made a concerted effort to keep the running inside ironic joke of it being an old fashioned blog. We want to fly in face of the 144 character limit of Twitter. Yes, it is a "web log" but it is also a salute to the days when people wrote letters to other people and people read them without the limitations of having A.D.E.S. (Attention Deficet, ewwwww, shiney) Thanks to my facebook friend PKM for that.

Plus we don't know how to do any of that other crap.
Some sports writers continue to whine about the noise level emitted from women tennis players. For the rest of us slobs, let me say if two hot blondes named Nastyshia Skankalova and Slutsavana Badunkadunkia want to grunt and moan to each other, it is just fine with us pigs.

And I still don't know about the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmindinejad clown. He reminds me of a guy who starts a lot of conversations with; "Can I be honest with you?"

How about that Laker NBA Championship celebration? Honestly I have seen more emotional shoe store openings. Kobe Bryant is a great player, but when they handed him the trophy, the other players looked like the reluctant guests at the really rich kid's birthday party. "Oh, great, Little Lord Fauntleroy got another really expensive toy. Eww, goodie."

Two great NBA star multi-millionaires, Shaquille O'Neal and Dwight Howard, are actually in a feud over who calls themselves Superman. If this intellectual skirmish escalates it may result in the dreaded; "I know you are, but what am I?" debate.

Phil Jackson does not have a record ten NBA championships by accident. He has a very complicated formula for success: first, teach a zen-like philosophy which results in positive mental karma; second, establish a physical environment with a feng shui positive energy flow and, what was that third and last one? Oh yeah, only coach teams that have by far and away the greatest player/players in the league.

The great Phil Jackson rhetorical question: if you roll the balls out at practice and the greatest player/players in the league are not there to pick them up, will that impress the team owner's hot cougar daughter?

All joking aside, there is no doubt Phil Jackson instills the attitude of a natural born winner, but Michael Jordan, a younger Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant can do wonders for a coach's basketball I.Q.

Have to admit it
Dunkin Donuts has announced a new donut flavor called, "Toffee for your Coffee."
Have to admit this is better than my idea: Dough for your Joe.

Great timing
The English language has added its one millionth word. This for a culture that can't come up with anything interesting to say in 144 characters on Twitter.

"Tick tock, tick tock."
On "Sixty Minutes" Steve Croft did a segment that featured clips of $50 billion-stealer, Bernie Madoff. My word, the man was pompous, unbearably arrogant, smug, dismissive and rude. And Bernie Madoff was even worse than Croft.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Why didn't I think of this?

There is a new service called kgb where you can text a question about anything you can't remember. All you have to do is text your question to, um, uh, oh shoot . . .

Man, I am bumming. Facebook handed out user names to its members this week. I tried to get Studly Dude, but Chastity Bono already swiped it.


I don't know about this Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad guy.

He reminds me of the guy who tells you your rug cleaning doesn't apply for the sale price in their ad.

He reminds me of the magazine stand guy who constantly yells; "This is not a library."

He reminds me of the guy who sells meat door-to-door.

He reminds me of the guy at the gas station who never knows directions to anywhere.

He reminds me of a guy who insists the car he is selling isn't used, but executive driven.

He reminds me of the New York cab driver who doesn't respond when you ask why you have driven by the Statue of Liberty twice on the way to Kennedy airport.

He reminds me of the guy who splashes way too much toxic smelling
ammonia solvent to mop the floor of the fast food restaurant while you are still eating.

He reminds me of the guy in the meeting who loudly sucks his teeth after every sip of coffee.

He reminds me of the guy the police want to question for hanging out too near a playground.

He reminds me of the guy selling knock-off Rolex watches to tourists in Times Square.

He reminds me of a guy whose cologne still reeks long after he leaves the room.

He reminds me of a guy whose handshake feels like a cold dead squid.

He reminds me of a guy who brags about his success with "the ladies" seriously and often.

He reminds me of a guy at Dennys cleaning his teeth vigorously with a tooth pick.

TV experts say it looks like the Sarah Palin-David Letterman flap has been a huge boost to Letterman's ratings.

Sarah Palin accidentally causing massive support to her opponent? Why, who has ever heard of such a thing?

Poor John McCain. One suspects he feels picking Sarah Palin was the worst mistake he has made since he said; "Think I'll take one more pass at that anti-aircraft gun."

This weekend in a beautiful town in the Swiss Alps, the locals picnic on cheese, bread and wine and watch an ancient tradition to see which cow will fight to be the winner. It's kind of like when Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore go at it.

Bored Game
On Friday, flakey Chicago Cubs Milton Bradley had several base running and fielding errors including miscounting the outs and tossing a ball to a fan on the second out causing a runner to advance. The good news is the board game maker Milton Bradley heard about this and made a game inspired by Bradley based on Yahtzee: Stupid Yuhtzee.

You know it is going bad for a player like Bradley when you really start to wonder which team he wants to win.