Friday, June 19, 2009

We gettin' time on the dime real fine, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"America's Got Talent' wants to find the American Susan Boyle. We already got that, only we call it: William Shatner.

Did you see President Obama kill that fly? President Bush used to have Dick Cheney water board them.

It seems more and more obvious just by the math of the protesters that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threw the Iranian election. It doesn't surprise me, this Ahmadinejad guy looks like the guy screaming obscenities at the dry cleaner because they couldn't get the Mai Tai stains out of his brown Members Only jacket.

This Ahmadinejad clown looks like a guy who gets in arguments and then threatens he has a black belt in Taekwando.

This Ahmadinejad clown looks like he works in a store front with metal bars on the window, water stains in the drywall and a ripped up Astroturf carpet.

This Ahmadinejad idiot looks like the cab driver who can't make change for anything.

This Ahmadinejad moron looks like a guy who wears an air freshener around his neck for cologne.

This Ahmadinejad looks like a guy sneaking around the back of restaurants to sell "meat" at a huge discount to cooks who don't ask too many questions.

The Ahmadinejad tool looks like a guy who has on his police record he was arrested for loitering at an adult book store.

Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. It's the worst elbow injury a Clinton has had since 1997 when Bill got tendinitis when he tried to quit interns for three months.

Let's play a rousing round of:

Scary or Hot?

Fergie? Gotta go with scary.

Megan Fox? Scary hot.

Kelly Ripa? Hot.

Angelina Jolie? Too many veins and tattoos. Could handle one or the other. Scary.

Kristen Stewart? Neither. Too artsy/bitchy/punky.

Madonna? Do I have to say it? Her arms alone are terrifying.

Cher? She would have to be half as scary just to get back to horrifying.

Kyra Sedgwick? Hot, but no more plastic surgery.

Pamela Anderson? She passed hot and was going so fast she ran right over scary.

Naomi Campbell? Scary wets its pants around her.

Lady Gaga? Since I don't really know what a Lady Gaga is, I have to go with scary.

Gabrielle Anwar? Hot, but like Kyra, let's watch the plastic surgery.

Eva Longoria? Hot but barely hanging by her skinny fingers from falling into scary.

Paris Hilton? So annoying she is scary.

Posh Spice? Used to be hot, now scary.

You wanna know who is hot? I'll tell you who is hot. That Blake Lively. Besides being a leggy blonde, her nose is just a tiny bit wide. That is what makes her hot. She is real world hot. And by the way, not only don't I know what "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" and "The Hills" are, I don't know what their channels are.