Friday, June 05, 2009

A survey reveals Paris is the rudest city in Europe. This is the most shocking revelation since "Rolling Stone" revealed "American Idol" runner up Adam Lambert is gay.

Paris was even ruder than the Dutch town of Von Rudeia and the German town of Snottydorf.

An investigation reveals David Carradine died as a result of an auto-erotic sex game. Auto-erotic is a fancy way of saying he was giving himself the old Kung Fu grip.

This just in: being gnawed-to-death by slimey, disease-ridden rabid rats is now my second choice as to how I do not want to die.

Allegedly strangling makes orgasms more intense. Are people really complaining about orgasms lack of intensity? Anything that makes you shudder uncontrollably, shout, scream and then pass out asleep should be good enough. "Gosh, that was good, but it could use something more. Hand me that rope."

A survey reveals Americans have a more negative view of Muslims than they did in 2002; in fact, their view of Muslims is even more negative than the view from the back of a cab.

A survey reveals Americans have a more negative view of Muslims than they did in 2002; Apparently Americans have become so sensitive we object to people who march chanting "Death to American infidel dogs."

On NBC's "Inside the Obama White House" the first dog, Bo, was on a leash inside the White House. It's the same leash Hillary tried to use on Bill.

Paris Hilton arrived in New York to celebrate her sister Nicky's 25th birthday. It is nice to see them together, when together they form one working brain.

On NBC's "Inside the Obama White House" President Obama speaks baby talk to the first dog, Bo. It was cute. It was the first baby talk heard in the White House since Bill Clinton interviewed female interns.

Actually it was the first baby talk in the White House since Laura read a bedtime story to George W.

The economy is so rough, people can't afford facebook and are switching to facemagazine.

Joan Rivers is trying to become technically up to date. Today she logged-on to faceliftbook.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

In a German zoo, two gay male penguins adopted an egg rejected by the biological parents, hatched the chick and are raising it as their own. Is anyone surprised penguins are gay? They have such impeccably good taste in formal evening wear.
Jockey Calvin Borel will ride Mine That Bird in the Belmont. Borel could become the first jockey to sweep the triple crown with more than one horse. This is also the first time the words crown and more than one horse have been used together since Katherine the Great.

President Obama has vowed to end torture in the US. Good news, guys, that means no sequel to "He's Just Not That Into You."

Since you asked:

It has never been a more crucial time to be a publicist. What with moron celebrities having instant access to air their idiotic thoughts on Twitter, Blogger, Facebook and My Space, certified idiots like Malissa Joan Hart get caught saying she hopes Farah Fawcett's pending death doesn't knock her off the cover of "People." You have Clay Aiken saying Adam Lambert makes his ears bleed.

Wait, I gotta go, Anna Faris just updated her Twitter . . .
Two cupcakes in an oven. One cupcake says; "Man, it is hot in here." The other cupcake says; "Holy crap, a talking cupcake." (From "Two and a Half Men" rerun)

President Obama is in Egypt repeating his message that Americans want to renew their relationship with Muslims. See? That is why he is President, he is so smart. Here I am an American and yet I had no concept I wanted to renew a relationship with Muslims.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

This just in:

Actress Brooks Shield says now she is sorry she did not have sex until she was 22; but she is not nearly as sorry as "Superman" actor Dean Cain who dated Shields at Princeton before she was 22.

Clay Aiken apologized for saying in his blog that Adam Lambert "made his ears bleed." There hasn't been a cat fight like this on "American Idol" since Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell got in a backstage fight over a hair dryer.

I can hardly wait until Thursday when the NBA playoffs begin. I love all those shots at the Laker game of the celebrities who all they have in common is their abiding love for the Lakers and they caught an STD from Paris Hilton.
Time to deflate the doll and bounce on outta this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Advancing to the semi finals in the French Open are Slovakia's Dominika Cibulkova and Russia's Svetlana Kuznetsova. It's like the old joke where the women's tennis player goes to the eye doctor and the doctor asks "Can you read the letters in the first line?" and the letters are: SKUZLOBKAION.

"Can I read it?" she says; "I am playing her in the French Open."

A bodybuilding competition in the Netherlands was canceled when the contestants scattered like roaches when a drug tester arrived; it was eerily reminiscent of the time a history teacher walked into the Memphis men's basketball locker room to give a pop quiz.

Dick Cheney is in favor of torture and the right for all people to be married. This information was brought to you from the Department of Redundancy Department.

It was such a beautiful day in New York, Madonna decided take a walk with the top down on her boyfriend's stroller.

In New York, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser dinner. That's nothing, people paid $10,000-a-plate to attend the "Joe Biden Will Not Speak" fundraiser dinner.

Since you asked:

OK, what the heck is going on? As I type we are having a freak thunder/rain/hail shower with hail the size of marbles. It scared my chucklehead Labradors, Kasey and Wrigley, half to death. Now they are cowering together in the garage.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

This just in:

In the next "Rolling Stone" issue, "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert will reveal he is gay. Really? Didn't he reveal he was gay when he appeared on stage wearing a bird cage?

This news will come as quite a shock to Lambert's boyfriend.

This promises to be the most shocking event since a Marathon was won by a Kenyan.

Different media types are pronouncing Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's name differently. NBC's Brian Willams pronounces it Soto-may-er, CBS's Katie Couric pronounces it Soto-my-your, Lou Dobbs pronounces it Reprehensible, and Rush Limbaugh pronounces it Fernandez.

As an undisclosed, let's review: the Republicans are angry at the Supreme Court nomination of Sonia Sotomayor, they are angry at Colin Powell for not being more of a Republican, they are angry at Nancy Pelosi and anyone who is against water boarding, but mostly they are angry at being portrayed as the party of bitterness.

What to the what to the what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I'll be candid, my memory is not what it used to be. Plus my memory? It's not what it used to be. So help me out, is this the 2008, 2009, or 2010 NBA Playoffs?

When did the NBA Playoffs become like the Davis Cup in tennis? A sporting event with no discernible ending?

This is a tough final for Shaquille O'Neal. He has to decide to cheer for the guy he used to have a bitter public feud with, Kobe Bryant, or the guy he currently has a bitter public feud with, Dwight Howard. To decide Shaq will shoot a free throw. If he misses he is for Kobe, if he misses by a lot, he is for Howard.

The Republicans are upset because President Obama's New York date night with Michelle cost $24,000. Republicans feel the only person who can spend that much money to eat one dinner is Rush Limbaugh.

President George W. Bush debated President Bill Clinton in Canada. Let's see, Bush and Clinton and Canadians. I am guessing the topic was not how to enlist and go fight a war.

I gotta admit it feels pretty good to be a GM Shareholder. Today I gave myself a huge bonus for taking a nap. Now it's off in my private jet to have dinner in Paris.

It was nice, President Obama flew Michelle to New York for a nice dinner and a Broadway show. Afterward they took Donald Trump's hair for a nice walk down Fifth Avenue.

Even though it has been a while, critics and fans are still questioning how Kris Allen beat Adam Lambert in "American Idol." My thinking? If you want to win "American Idol" don't ever show up on stage wearing a bird cage.

My gal, Anna Faris, said she and her fiance keep things hot by sending each other explicit text messages mid week. They call it "Sex-text-Wednesday." Let's just say it brings them a whole new meaning to hump day.

It was such a beautiful day in New York, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for Orange Crush.

It was such a beautiful day in New York, Madonna decided to take the top down on her boyfriend's stroller.