Thursday, March 26, 2009

Awwwwk-Woooooooord, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Too bad
Almost a century after it sunk, a Federal Judge in Virginia is set to protect the Titanic and all it’s belongings from ever being touched. And just when FEMA was about to arrive to save them.

Uh oh
Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. There was one awkward moment when Michelle unearthed about ten thousand Florida ballots for Al Gore.

Not good
The New York Knicks are a miserable 28-42. The good news? Two more loses and the Knicks get a big fat bonus from AIG.

Dig it
Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. It was a little awkward when Michelle dug up Bill Clinton’s Members Only jacket, a bottle of High Karate and his little black book.

Comedy rule #1
Robin Williams had successful heart surgery. Right before he went under, Robin advised the surgeon; “Doc, if you get in trouble, remember, when in doubt, grab your penis.”

Always the cut up, when Robin awoke from surgery, he looked at his chest scar and yelled; “Why you butchers, I just wanted a tummy tuck.”

Robin Williams had successful heart surgery. But it was by no means an easy procedure. It took them twenty minutes just to get past the chest hair.

One or the other
Believe it or not, Bernie Madoff is fitting in well with the prison inmates. Or is it the prison inmates are fitting in Bernie Madoff well?

Test score
Georgia’s QB Matt Stafford scored an impressive 38 on the NFL’s pre-draft Wonderlic Intelligence test out of a possible 50. 30 on the Wonderlic test is good, scoring below 12 means you think a Wonderlic is the service for which Alex Rodriguez paid hookers.

Lance Armstrong fell off his bike and broke his collarbone and is likely out of the Tour De France. When he heard this, French President Nicolas Sarkozy was so upset he nearly broke his collarbone when he fell of his wife, Carla Bruni.

That guy
A Federal study reveals a diet heavy in steaks, hamburgers and pork chops is bad for your health. This study was apparently conducted under the supervision of Professor Noshirt Shelock.

Since you asked:
The band I’m in, The Railheads, is playing at a sports bar in Escondido tonight called Pounders. It should be a blast. Somewhat of a local/biker bar, but it is a step up from our previous regular gig, the Mira Mesa Inn. This has lighting and a stage as opposed to just playing on the floor in the corner.

We have quite the crowd coming tonight despite the fact that it is a school night. This is sort of an audition and if it goes well – meaning we don’t suck and we bring in a big booze-buying crowd - we will get future monthly gigs on Fridays or Saturdays, a more our-crowd-friendly time.

Yours truly plays harp on such classics as the Door’s “Roadhouse Blues”, the Stones “Brown Sugar” and “Honky Tonk Woman” the Doobie’s “Long Train Running” Jimi’s “Red House” Lynnard Skynnard’s “Whisky Man” as well as, gulp, me lead singing on the intro and closing of Led Zeppelin’s version of Sonny Boy Williamson’s “Bring it on Home” and the whole lead on a stepped-up version of the Stones “Love Is Strong.”

As I have done quite a few band gigs and comedy shows, both for charities, and I have to promote them a bit, it has been my experience there are two kinds of people in the world. The first say they want to come, but they aren't sure they can make it, but they will try. And almost invariably they do show up.

The second type of people are the ones who light up excited to be asked and promise over and over again that they will not only be there, they will bring all the people they know.

Invariably they never show up.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

There is a heavyweight boxing contender named Christobal Arreola. And contender is no titular title, this Arreola is no boob, he is quite a knocker in the ring, but we will keep you abreast of Arreola’s progress.

(Writer’s note: that joke was so god-awful it just got a bonus from AIG)
Let’s get it started in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Don’t be silly
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, insists she gets $69 mil of the $60 billion he swindled. That’s nuts, you can’t get that much money for doing nothing unless you’re an AIG executive.

Not bad
President Barack Obama picked 14 of the final 16 NCAA teams. Which is pretty good considering our last president thought Gonzaga in the semis was something you got drinking the water in Mexico.

Not kidding
You know that $165 million in bonuses AIG handed out? Turns out it was actually $218 million. That’s how you show competence, miscount by $53 million the bonuses you gave in taxpayer bail out money. Swear to god, these morons would choke to death on a free lunch.

Barack Obama was on “Sixty Minutes” Sunday. It was awkward when they asked President Bush if he watched Obama on “Sixty Minutes” Bush said; “Who has two hours to watch TV?”

Old USSR joke
The US is now going to buy condoms from China. In a propaganda move, we ordered a test sample for ten inch long condoms. In a counter move, China sent them marked Medium.

Otherwise known as
Motorcycle gangs in Australia got into a huge brawl at the Sidney Airport. Witnesses say there was lots of beer drinking and fighting. Or as we call that: being Australian.

Due to a water main break, residents of San Diego have been told their tap water may be contaminated. They’re trying to put a positive spin on it, now they’re saying the water is available in homestyle extra chunky.

That would be the word
In Florida, 62-year-old Unni Haskell’s first ever golf shot was a hole-in-one. Every single experienced golfer can advise her exactly what to do next in one word: Quit.

Parallel parking
Michael Strahan planted a tracking device on his girlfriend’s Range Rover because he suspected her of straying on him. Guess where she turned up? In the space between Strahan’s front teeth.

A-Rod just keeps rocking
Alex Rodriguez was a customer of the brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. OK, lying about cheating with steroids? OK. Dating Madonna? Overlooked. Hiring prostitutes? Forgivable. But going to the same whore house as a sleazy politician? That’s too much.

More A-Rod
Alex Rodriguez was a customer of the brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. In fact, Spitzer recommended to A-Rod the hooker named Diamond because she knew how to execute the squeeze play.

Department of Duh
A new study reveals that a diet heavy in steaks, burgers and pork chops is hazardous to your health. I believe the name of the study is “Oh, yah think?” This just in: playing in traffic is dangerous.

That too
A new study reveals that a diet heavy in steaks and chops shortens your life. How it works is if you spend money on steaks and chops, you’ll go broke and starve to death.

Since you asked;

You can Google people, you can search the White Pages, you can read their blogs, post on their Facebook page or their MySpace, you can text them, e-mail them, G-Mail them and Fax them, you can call their cell phone or their land line.

Do you realize what this means? That person you were hopelessly in love with back in grade school? They aren’t in touch with you because they simply don’t want to.

Now that stings a little bit.

The erstwhile Karen Dean , can this really be true?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

We got some Puerto Rican girls that’s just dyin’ to meet you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Specialty acts
Alex Rodriguez was a frequent customer of the same brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer; so apparently that brothel specialized in A-Rods and A-Holes.

That explains it
On “Celebrity Apprentice”, Dennis Rodman angrily got into the face of country singer Clint Black; apparently Rodman was offended Black wouldn’t go by the name Clint African-American.

What a card
There is a line of cards that features past and present “American Idol” contestants and judges. They have Ryan Seacrest on the Queen of Diamonds.”

President Bush is coming out with a book about the 12 hardest decisions he made in office. It’s called “Dumber By The Dozen.”

Tough choices
President Bush is coming out with a book about the 12 hardest decisions he made in office. #3, Paper or plastic? #7, Non fat or fat free milk? #9, Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana?

Not the same
Alex Rodriguez was a customer at a brothel and dated the brothel’s madam, Kristin Davis; Now don’t confuse this Kristen Davis with the actress on “Sex and the City” who played Charlotte. A-Rod’s Kristin Davis played Harlot.

Since you asked:
All you need to know about Ruth Madoff – besides she thinks she should keep $69 million of the $60 billion her husband stole – is that an article in “Vanity Fair” revealed that, for 30 years, the Madoffs had their own table and ate at least three times a week at a nice family owned Italian restaurant near their penthouse on the Upper East side.

The owner of that restaurant greeted them at their table each time. Not once in the thirty years - times three times a week - did Ruth Madoff deem this man worthy of even a polite glance let alone one word of civil conversation.

The Madoffs are going to the likes of hell for which they so richly deserve.

What is the expression? You can judge a person by how well they treat those who cannot benefit them? Bernie and Ruth Madoff even treated rudely people from whom they stole their life savings.

Is it just me or are there crimes where prison and even the death sentence don’t seem adequate? Terrorist attacks, intentionally hurting a child, animal or the infirmed in any way and stealing from charities and widows. Short of basic physical torture, there needs to be some way of making these people utterly miserable for a long, long time so they know the inconsolable misery of losing all hope, as they did so gleefully to their innocent victims.

Why didn’t I think of this before? We make the Madoffs, Osama bin Laden and Michael Vick attend life insurance and estate planning seminars followed by high school poetry readings and, finally, film school student panel discussions.

Oh the humanity.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I was just thinking how weird it is we eat birds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad sign
What have we learned from the Bernie Madoff scandal? I’m no expert, but generally it’s not a good sign when you ask somebody about your investment manager and they say “Turn on CNN.”

Try that
President Barack Obama was making a joke on his bad bowling when he compared it to the Special Olympics and now people are upset. He should have compared his bowling to Dick Cheney’s quail hunting.

So that’s how it works
Have you seen the commercials for Abilify? It is a drug for those already on an anti-depression medicine who still have symptoms of depression. Apparently Abilify blocks your ability to follow the stock market and your 401K.

Doesn’t Abilify sound like a word president Bush would use to describe teaching? “We need to abilify those kids so they become educationable.”

Whew who and stuff
It’s Spring Break time in California. The nerds from Cal Tech are going all the way to Palm Springs not to get laid.

Pizza time
Kim Jong Il wants North Korea to have it’s first pizza chain. And Kim Jong Il is putting his cousin in charge of the pizza chain, Physically Il.

North Korean pizza is a little different; their meat lovers pizza comes with extra schnauzer.

Should follow logically
An Australian study reveals that the regular expulsion of semen helps prevent prostate cancer. So, by logical assumption, getting a blood transfusion from John Mayer also prevents prostate cancer.

Since you asked:

“Hoosiers” correction. Had it mostly right when “Shooter” was giving a scouting report to Norman Dale.

“My friend, you cannot play that team one-on-one. They got no head-toppers. Cedar Nob? A bunch of mites. Run you off the boards. You got to squeeze them in the paint. Make ‘em chuck it from the cheap seats. Mind that purgatory they call a gym. No drive twelve foot in. That’ll do yah.”

And I am going in for brain surgery if that tune they play during the montage of the cars following the bus along cornfields and slow motion of the games doesn’t leave my head.

Dah de dah daaaah, dah dah deee dah dee dee dah . . . .

Sunday, March 22, 2009

This here how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Some people never learn. Today in prison Bernie Madoff swindled 200 inmates out of their cigarettes.

It’s not all bad news about the economy. Today in prison, Bernie Madoff was swindled out of the bar of soap he dropped in the shower.

Friday was the first day of spring. Congratulations, you made it through winter, your money didn’t, but you did.

More information is coming out on Bernie Madoff. It turns out he was rude, snotty, arrogant, vain, deceitful, pompous, imperious . . . no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Donald Trump.

Some people don’t get March Madness. Today when they asked President Bush if he had Gonzaga in the semis, he said; “No, thank goodness, that’s why I eat bran.”

More information is coming out about Bernie Madoff. It turns out he was imperious, snotty, rude, vain, mean, vindictive, arrogant, deceitful, pompous . . . no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Rush Limbaugh.