Thursday, March 26, 2009

Awwwwk-Woooooooord, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Too bad
Almost a century after it sunk, a Federal Judge in Virginia is set to protect the Titanic and all it’s belongings from ever being touched. And just when FEMA was about to arrive to save them.

Uh oh
Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. There was one awkward moment when Michelle unearthed about ten thousand Florida ballots for Al Gore.

Not good
The New York Knicks are a miserable 28-42. The good news? Two more loses and the Knicks get a big fat bonus from AIG.

Dig it
Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. It was a little awkward when Michelle dug up Bill Clinton’s Members Only jacket, a bottle of High Karate and his little black book.

Comedy rule #1
Robin Williams had successful heart surgery. Right before he went under, Robin advised the surgeon; “Doc, if you get in trouble, remember, when in doubt, grab your penis.”

Always the cut up, when Robin awoke from surgery, he looked at his chest scar and yelled; “Why you butchers, I just wanted a tummy tuck.”

Robin Williams had successful heart surgery. But it was by no means an easy procedure. It took them twenty minutes just to get past the chest hair.

One or the other
Believe it or not, Bernie Madoff is fitting in well with the prison inmates. Or is it the prison inmates are fitting in Bernie Madoff well?

Test score
Georgia’s QB Matt Stafford scored an impressive 38 on the NFL’s pre-draft Wonderlic Intelligence test out of a possible 50. 30 on the Wonderlic test is good, scoring below 12 means you think a Wonderlic is the service for which Alex Rodriguez paid hookers.

Lance Armstrong fell off his bike and broke his collarbone and is likely out of the Tour De France. When he heard this, French President Nicolas Sarkozy was so upset he nearly broke his collarbone when he fell of his wife, Carla Bruni.

That guy
A Federal study reveals a diet heavy in steaks, hamburgers and pork chops is bad for your health. This study was apparently conducted under the supervision of Professor Noshirt Shelock.

Since you asked:
The band I’m in, The Railheads, is playing at a sports bar in Escondido tonight called Pounders. It should be a blast. Somewhat of a local/biker bar, but it is a step up from our previous regular gig, the Mira Mesa Inn. This has lighting and a stage as opposed to just playing on the floor in the corner.

We have quite the crowd coming tonight despite the fact that it is a school night. This is sort of an audition and if it goes well – meaning we don’t suck and we bring in a big booze-buying crowd - we will get future monthly gigs on Fridays or Saturdays, a more our-crowd-friendly time.

Yours truly plays harp on such classics as the Door’s “Roadhouse Blues”, the Stones “Brown Sugar” and “Honky Tonk Woman” the Doobie’s “Long Train Running” Jimi’s “Red House” Lynnard Skynnard’s “Whisky Man” as well as, gulp, me lead singing on the intro and closing of Led Zeppelin’s version of Sonny Boy Williamson’s “Bring it on Home” and the whole lead on a stepped-up version of the Stones “Love Is Strong.”

As I have done quite a few band gigs and comedy shows, both for charities, and I have to promote them a bit, it has been my experience there are two kinds of people in the world. The first say they want to come, but they aren't sure they can make it, but they will try. And almost invariably they do show up.

The second type of people are the ones who light up excited to be asked and promise over and over again that they will not only be there, they will bring all the people they know.

Invariably they never show up.