Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Let’s get it started in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Don’t be silly
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, insists she gets $69 mil of the $60 billion he swindled. That’s nuts, you can’t get that much money for doing nothing unless you’re an AIG executive.

Not bad
President Barack Obama picked 14 of the final 16 NCAA teams. Which is pretty good considering our last president thought Gonzaga in the semis was something you got drinking the water in Mexico.

Not kidding
You know that $165 million in bonuses AIG handed out? Turns out it was actually $218 million. That’s how you show competence, miscount by $53 million the bonuses you gave in taxpayer bail out money. Swear to god, these morons would choke to death on a free lunch.

Barack Obama was on “Sixty Minutes” Sunday. It was awkward when they asked President Bush if he watched Obama on “Sixty Minutes” Bush said; “Who has two hours to watch TV?”

Old USSR joke
The US is now going to buy condoms from China. In a propaganda move, we ordered a test sample for ten inch long condoms. In a counter move, China sent them marked Medium.

Otherwise known as
Motorcycle gangs in Australia got into a huge brawl at the Sidney Airport. Witnesses say there was lots of beer drinking and fighting. Or as we call that: being Australian.

Due to a water main break, residents of San Diego have been told their tap water may be contaminated. They’re trying to put a positive spin on it, now they’re saying the water is available in homestyle extra chunky.

That would be the word
In Florida, 62-year-old Unni Haskell’s first ever golf shot was a hole-in-one. Every single experienced golfer can advise her exactly what to do next in one word: Quit.

Parallel parking
Michael Strahan planted a tracking device on his girlfriend’s Range Rover because he suspected her of straying on him. Guess where she turned up? In the space between Strahan’s front teeth.

A-Rod just keeps rocking
Alex Rodriguez was a customer of the brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. OK, lying about cheating with steroids? OK. Dating Madonna? Overlooked. Hiring prostitutes? Forgivable. But going to the same whore house as a sleazy politician? That’s too much.

More A-Rod
Alex Rodriguez was a customer of the brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. In fact, Spitzer recommended to A-Rod the hooker named Diamond because she knew how to execute the squeeze play.

Department of Duh
A new study reveals that a diet heavy in steaks, burgers and pork chops is hazardous to your health. I believe the name of the study is “Oh, yah think?” This just in: playing in traffic is dangerous.

That too
A new study reveals that a diet heavy in steaks and chops shortens your life. How it works is if you spend money on steaks and chops, you’ll go broke and starve to death.

Since you asked;

You can Google people, you can search the White Pages, you can read their blogs, post on their Facebook page or their MySpace, you can text them, e-mail them, G-Mail them and Fax them, you can call their cell phone or their land line.

Do you realize what this means? That person you were hopelessly in love with back in grade school? They aren’t in touch with you because they simply don’t want to.

Now that stings a little bit.

The erstwhile Karen Dean , can this really be true?