Friday, June 22, 2007

Tried, tied and fried, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prison officials in England discovered a prisoner had a cell phone inserted in his rear end; that’s unusual, because normally the people who yammer loudly on cell phones just have their heads up their butts.

Getting up there
Texas Ranger Sammy Sosa –who came out of a year or retirement - became the sixth player ever to hit his 600th home run and he did it against his former team the Chicago Cubs. But you can tell Sosa still feels retired. He circled the bases on his Rascal scooter.

Texas Ranger Sammy Sosa –who came out of retirement - became the fifth player ever to hit his 600th home run and he did it against his former team the Chicago Cubs, the first and only homer Sosa has hit against the Cubs. That has to hurt the Cubs. That’s like breaking up with a girl and finding out she’s dating George Clooney.

The makers of the diet drug Alli included a disclaimer that Alli can cause bad diarrhea. As a result, they are now touting Alli as an effective cough suppressant because, the diarrhea is so bad, you’ll be too afraid to cough.

The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer Alli can cause bad diarrhea. Is there such a thing as good diarrhea? The diarrhea that only hits you when you want to fertilize your garden?
Nice moment
A 71-year-old man became the oldest person to scale Mt. Everest. It was great, he stood at the summit and shouted out to the world; “You punks get off my lawn.”

Since you asked:

Besides my brilliant (cough) comedy writing and my rocking (wheeze) harmonica playing, here is yet another reason Conan, Dave, Jay, Jon and or Craig should hire me.

As I have watched more than my share of talk shows, I am now completely intolerant in every way of big shot celebrities and their lame ass anecdotes. If I could get the talk show host to sign an agreement where I cannot be fired no matter how much some big shot movie star a-hole demands that I be fired, I would become the show’s best friend.

Thus armed with an ironclad contract, I would listen to these nimrods yammer their annoying stories they plan to tell on air and ask;

“Exactly how far, Mr. Russell Crowe, was the studio flunky’s head up your ass when he told you that lame-ass story was even remotely interesting?”

And when a move star blatantly lies to cover their ass about how great a well-known a-hole, like Kilmer, Segal, Snipes, Stallone, Ford, Cruise was to work with, he would be called out on the spot by me walking out from behind the camera on to the set carrying an actual douche bag:

“You liked working with that well-known douche bag? Well that must mean you’re a douche bag too, so you have to wear this douche bag on your head for the remainder of your segment as you whore your latest movie.”

Granted, the booking person will try to have me whacked, but so what?

My entertainment industry b.s. meter is right again. If Rosie quit “The View’ to pursue other offers, where the hell are all those other offers? Rosie’s girlfriend said Rosie would honor those offers. And then all night long it was honor, offer, honor, offer.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Rock steady, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rumor has it 81-year-old Hugh Hefner has gotten his 27-year-old girlfriend pregnant: “That’s not disgusting in any way” said absolutely nobody.

Even crappier than this joke
The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer that Alli can cause uncontrollable diarrhea and they recommend wearing dark clothes and bringing a change of pants with you. Talk about a crappy endorsement.

We kid the Garden State
On a cross Atlantic Continental Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Newark, passengers had to endure the smell of overflowing human waste from the toilets. On the bright side, it did prepare them for being in Newark.

One passenger said it was horrific, horrible, nauseating, it was just like watching “The View.”

It was so bad it even made Jet Blue look good by comparison.

Oh, that guy again?
The annoying bald judge in the Anna Nicole Smith custody trial, Larry Seidlin, resigned; he wants to spend more time being a weepy, smart-ass publicity whore with his family.

Pregnant “The View” host Elisabeth Hasselbeck said she is not friendly with Rosie O’Donnell. That’s unfortunate because it turns out Rosie is the father of Elisabeth’s child.

Got himself a gun
Bill and Hillary Clinton made a parody of “The Sopranos” ending on her campaign web site. This one ends a little differently, instead of a cut to black, Bill gets whacked by an intern.

Something like that
The show “Age of Love” features 30-year-old tennis star Mark Phillappoussis as he decides between 20-year-old babes and 40-year-old babes. Mark is the perfect guy for this because his name, Phillappousis, is a Greek term meaning Fill Up the . . . Well, you know what it means.

Tough choice
The University of California Irvine baseball team Anteaters, called the Eaters for short, has advanced in the college World Series by beating the Oregon State Beavers. It was the Beavers Vs. The Eaters. Which one does Rosie O’Donnell go with there?

Rosie 2
Pregnant “The View” host Elisabeth Hasselbeck said she is not friendly with Rosie O’Donnell. We all know Rosie O’Donnell wears her emotions on her sleeve. Along with last night’s ham, potato salad and Boston Cream Pie.

Since you asked:
What the hell?

How come nobody is asking me to run for president? Here are some of my campaign promises besides fixing Iraq, health care, immigration, blah, blah, blah.

Nobody will be allowed to give their dog a goofy name. An addendum to this is that nobody can let their kid name their dog.

No more subscription cards falling out of a magazine you just paid good money for like it’s a ticker tape parade down Broadway.

If a product is difficult to open the manufacturer will owe you double the price you paid for it.

More than ten items in the ten items or less? $500 fine for the cashier and the offending shopper. So much for the Federal deficit.

Double Park in a fire zone and your car will be seized and then given to a single parent.

The designated hitter rule in baseball is gone.

Thanking god or Jesus after playing a sport carries an automatic $10,000 fine.

Every song will be available on iTunes.

For every celebrity who makes an uniformed political comment: thirty hours of community service.

For every politician who tries to sing, dance, or act like an entertainment celebrity: forty hours of community service.

The immediate establishment of the Entitlement Police. Anyone seen acting rude and overly-entitled in public, i.e. loud cell phone calls, crying babies left in restaurants, slow diagonal walks down parking lots, balancing their checkbook at the cashier, will be subjected to a $100 fine and an indelible blue spray paint mark on their forehead, both issued by the Entitlement Police, so others can be prepared for future rudeness.

$50 fine for anyone caught discussing their detox-cleansing diet drink.

$100 fine for anyone who cuts into a cut of meat to see if it is done.

$1, 000,000 FCC fine for anyone who hires Rosie O’Donnell for any kind of TV show.

Ryan Seacrest? See above.

It will now be legal for talk show hosts to bitch-slap any big shot movie star who tells a really uninteresting, self-indulgent anecdote

Reduce to a misdemeanor the crime of shooting door-to-door salespeople or religious missionaries.

It is only legal to talk on a cell phone in a car, whether handless or not, if asking for directions or explaining a delay due to traffic. Causing an accident while talking on a cell phone is punishable with life in prison.

$1, 000 fine for anyone who says on a golf course the following remarks. Your problem is you’re standing too close to the ball (pause for affect) after you hit it. No, nice shot, you’re on the beach. I’m on the dance floor but I can’t hear the music. Does your husband play the game? (only to a guy) 100% of all shots not hit far enough don’t go in.

If somebody sues somebody and loses, the plaintiff and his lawyers pay all court costs, legal fees plus lost income times ten.

Anyone who yells anything negative or pejorative at a child’s soccer game will be sentenced to 24 hours of service at a children’s hospital.

$1,000 fine for using any of these expressions without obvious sarcasm: At the end of the day. It is what it is. Don’t go there. You go girl. No he di’n’t. Oh snap. Ahhhiiiiight. Calling something other than a dog dog. Check it out. B.F.F., L.O.L., A.S.A.P., F.Y.I. Peace out. Blank in the house. Represent. And a $5,000 fine for over-using the word random.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Oh snap diddley dap dippity do bappity bap, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s a good deal
A restaurant in Florida is offering a $100 hamburger. And for an extra $20, the waiter will kick you in the ass for spending $100 on a hamburger.

Of course
Bob Barker said that Rosie O’Donnell is being considered as his “The Price is Right” replacement host. But, of course, Rosie would have to get neutered first.

This is a bittersweet time for boys graduating from high school. On the one hand it is a huge step to becoming adults; on the other hand, they have to break up with their hot woman high school teacher.

See what I mean?
In Wisconsin a substitute teacher is charged with sleeping with her 16-year-old male student. It was a passionate relationship, let’s just say he put the stud in student. And she put the tit in substitute.

Get it?
Tennis star Mark Philippoussis stars in the reality dating show “Age of Love” where he has to pick between 20-year-old hotties and 40-year-old hotties. Of course Mark is going for the older women. Tennis players like it when it is 40 love.

Since you asked:

Not to brag- but if I don’t, nobody else will – but that was my rope-a-dope-smokin’ joke on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last nicht.

Which one? The cruel and mean-spirited one, of course. Duh.

A 71-year-old man became the oldest person to climb Mount Everest. When he got to the top he asked;

“Now what did I come up here for?”

It was a little weird because I sent it in a week ago. Usually they use them in one or two, three at the most days.

But I will take it, because, as I have stated many many times, I am a filthy comedy whore.

“Filthy Comedy Whore” is the name of my next LIVE CD.

Happy Birthday, Scoots.

It was my lovely wife’s birthday last night. Did the fish tacos at the Del Mar park last night with a twist. Turns out the jammin’ reggae/rock fusion band Common Sense was playing there and a good time was had by all. Especially Miss Ann Caroline. She petted many puppies, played soccer, jumped rope, played wiffle ball.

Not to brag again, but, for a soon-to-be nine-year-old, AC is quite the natural athlete. Much more so than I was. She is big and fast and strong – that is the part I had down - but she has quite the eye-hand coordination. I don’t. She can smack a baseball and a golf ball. Me? Not as much.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What it is and what it shall be, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Short lived idea
In Antioch, California, a two-year-old toddler got sick after Applebees served him a margarita in his sippy cup. So much for Applebees’ new Michael Jackson happy hour.

Paris Hilton’s sister, Nicky, visited Paris in jail. It was nice, they both got to use the brain they share.

Career change
The prosecuting attorney in the ill-advised Duke Lacrosse team rape trial, Mike Nifong, was disbarred for lying and hiding evidence. Now what happens to someone who is determined to be too sleazy to even be a lawyer? One word: Congress.

Life dream
After 50 years in television, “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker is retired. Barker is going to spend his time devoted to his passionate cause: neutering Kevin Federline.

You punks get off my lawn
In this weekend’s inter-league match up between the New York Mets and the New York Yankees, 44-year-old pitcher Roger Craig faced 48-year-old Julio Franco. There was an awkward moment when Craig and Franco had to take a time out to remember where they put their glasses.

Nous plaisantons avec le français
For the first time ever, a Frenchman, Tony Parker, was named NBA playoff MVP in the San Antonio Spur’s clean sweep four game win over the Detroit Pistons. This is also marks the first time the words Frenchman, sweep, clean and win have ever been used together.

As a guest drummer on the Cyndi Lauper tour, Rosie O’Donnell said about “The View” that she didn’t like heterosexual women because, when you turn around, they stab you in the back with a high heel shoe. That is shocking. “The View” host Joy Behar is straight? When did that happen?

Rosie O’Donnell was a guest drummer on the Cyndi Lauper tour. Did you know Rosie was a drummer? I thought the only thing she liked to beat on was poor little Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Take it to the rack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Americans Idle”
Former American Idol winner, Kelly Clarkson, had to cancel her summer tour due to weak ticket sales. When asked to comment, former second place finisher Justin Gaurini said;

“Welcome to the Olive Garden, can I take your order?”

You punk get off my lawn
In a inter-league match up between the New York Mets and the New York Yankees, 44-year-old pitcher Roger Craig faced 48-year-old Julio Franco. There was an awkward moment when Craig and Franco had to take a time out to remember where they put their reading glasses.

Truth in advertising laws kicking in
Rosie O’Donnell has been named as a possible replacement “The Price is Right” host for Bob Barker. Of course, if Rosie is the host, the name will have to change from “The Price is Right” to “The Price Is Right But Rosie is Truly Scary”

Sounds eerily familiar
The US Open at Oakmont was tough. How tough? To get them back on the course on Sunday, many of the players had to be handcuffed and led sobbing into a patrol car.

Hate to see that
Angel Cabrera won the US Open on a tough Oakmont course outside Pittsburgh. The course was so tough, John Daly hit a ball that accidentally knocked the knife out of his wife’s hands.

How tough was it?
To give you an idea how tough the US Open was at Oakmont was even for Tiger Woods, for one split second, I actually almost felt sorry for a young, handsome billionaire golfer who is married to a Swedish swimsuit model.

In Pennsylvania, 12 women ages 70 to 80 posed nude for a charity calendar. Actually, it was only 11 women. Miss June sagged all they way down through to July.

Don’t confuse the two
The new hit show on HBO is “John From Cincinnati” about a dysfunctional surfer family. And here I thought “John from Cincinnati” was the name they give a guy testifying against the Bengals in the witness protection program.

Since you asked:

We did it up San Diego style for Dad day. Grabbed some tasty Rubio’s fish tacos and went to the park above the beach in Del Mar. Set up the wooden slat table complete with a candle, put out the iPod portable speaker and played a playlist heavy with Jimmy Buffet, the Beach Boys and Jack Johnson after a brisk swim in the ocean.

We met our friends whose daughter, Hannah the Dynamo, plays soccer with our A.C. and we sipped wine and munched while the girls boogy boarded and jumped rope and kicked the soccer ball.

Now if the Cubs could have just beaten the Paydays it would have been the perfect Dad’s day.
But it was pretty good.