Thursday, June 21, 2007

Rock steady, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rumor has it 81-year-old Hugh Hefner has gotten his 27-year-old girlfriend pregnant: “That’s not disgusting in any way” said absolutely nobody.

Even crappier than this joke
The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer that Alli can cause uncontrollable diarrhea and they recommend wearing dark clothes and bringing a change of pants with you. Talk about a crappy endorsement.

We kid the Garden State
On a cross Atlantic Continental Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Newark, passengers had to endure the smell of overflowing human waste from the toilets. On the bright side, it did prepare them for being in Newark.

One passenger said it was horrific, horrible, nauseating, it was just like watching “The View.”

It was so bad it even made Jet Blue look good by comparison.

Oh, that guy again?
The annoying bald judge in the Anna Nicole Smith custody trial, Larry Seidlin, resigned; he wants to spend more time being a weepy, smart-ass publicity whore with his family.

Pregnant “The View” host Elisabeth Hasselbeck said she is not friendly with Rosie O’Donnell. That’s unfortunate because it turns out Rosie is the father of Elisabeth’s child.

Got himself a gun
Bill and Hillary Clinton made a parody of “The Sopranos” ending on her campaign web site. This one ends a little differently, instead of a cut to black, Bill gets whacked by an intern.

Something like that
The show “Age of Love” features 30-year-old tennis star Mark Phillappoussis as he decides between 20-year-old babes and 40-year-old babes. Mark is the perfect guy for this because his name, Phillappousis, is a Greek term meaning Fill Up the . . . Well, you know what it means.

Tough choice
The University of California Irvine baseball team Anteaters, called the Eaters for short, has advanced in the college World Series by beating the Oregon State Beavers. It was the Beavers Vs. The Eaters. Which one does Rosie O’Donnell go with there?

Rosie 2
Pregnant “The View” host Elisabeth Hasselbeck said she is not friendly with Rosie O’Donnell. We all know Rosie O’Donnell wears her emotions on her sleeve. Along with last night’s ham, potato salad and Boston Cream Pie.

Since you asked:
What the hell?

How come nobody is asking me to run for president? Here are some of my campaign promises besides fixing Iraq, health care, immigration, blah, blah, blah.

Nobody will be allowed to give their dog a goofy name. An addendum to this is that nobody can let their kid name their dog.

No more subscription cards falling out of a magazine you just paid good money for like it’s a ticker tape parade down Broadway.

If a product is difficult to open the manufacturer will owe you double the price you paid for it.

More than ten items in the ten items or less? $500 fine for the cashier and the offending shopper. So much for the Federal deficit.

Double Park in a fire zone and your car will be seized and then given to a single parent.

The designated hitter rule in baseball is gone.

Thanking god or Jesus after playing a sport carries an automatic $10,000 fine.

Every song will be available on iTunes.

For every celebrity who makes an uniformed political comment: thirty hours of community service.

For every politician who tries to sing, dance, or act like an entertainment celebrity: forty hours of community service.

The immediate establishment of the Entitlement Police. Anyone seen acting rude and overly-entitled in public, i.e. loud cell phone calls, crying babies left in restaurants, slow diagonal walks down parking lots, balancing their checkbook at the cashier, will be subjected to a $100 fine and an indelible blue spray paint mark on their forehead, both issued by the Entitlement Police, so others can be prepared for future rudeness.

$50 fine for anyone caught discussing their detox-cleansing diet drink.

$100 fine for anyone who cuts into a cut of meat to see if it is done.

$1, 000,000 FCC fine for anyone who hires Rosie O’Donnell for any kind of TV show.

Ryan Seacrest? See above.

It will now be legal for talk show hosts to bitch-slap any big shot movie star who tells a really uninteresting, self-indulgent anecdote

Reduce to a misdemeanor the crime of shooting door-to-door salespeople or religious missionaries.

It is only legal to talk on a cell phone in a car, whether handless or not, if asking for directions or explaining a delay due to traffic. Causing an accident while talking on a cell phone is punishable with life in prison.

$1, 000 fine for anyone who says on a golf course the following remarks. Your problem is you’re standing too close to the ball (pause for affect) after you hit it. No, nice shot, you’re on the beach. I’m on the dance floor but I can’t hear the music. Does your husband play the game? (only to a guy) 100% of all shots not hit far enough don’t go in.

If somebody sues somebody and loses, the plaintiff and his lawyers pay all court costs, legal fees plus lost income times ten.

Anyone who yells anything negative or pejorative at a child’s soccer game will be sentenced to 24 hours of service at a children’s hospital.

$1,000 fine for using any of these expressions without obvious sarcasm: At the end of the day. It is what it is. Don’t go there. You go girl. No he di’n’t. Oh snap. Ahhhiiiiight. Calling something other than a dog dog. Check it out. B.F.F., L.O.L., A.S.A.P., F.Y.I. Peace out. Blank in the house. Represent. And a $5,000 fine for over-using the word random.