Friday, June 22, 2007

Tried, tied and fried, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prison officials in England discovered a prisoner had a cell phone inserted in his rear end; that’s unusual, because normally the people who yammer loudly on cell phones just have their heads up their butts.

Getting up there
Texas Ranger Sammy Sosa –who came out of a year or retirement - became the sixth player ever to hit his 600th home run and he did it against his former team the Chicago Cubs. But you can tell Sosa still feels retired. He circled the bases on his Rascal scooter.

Texas Ranger Sammy Sosa –who came out of retirement - became the fifth player ever to hit his 600th home run and he did it against his former team the Chicago Cubs, the first and only homer Sosa has hit against the Cubs. That has to hurt the Cubs. That’s like breaking up with a girl and finding out she’s dating George Clooney.

The makers of the diet drug Alli included a disclaimer that Alli can cause bad diarrhea. As a result, they are now touting Alli as an effective cough suppressant because, the diarrhea is so bad, you’ll be too afraid to cough.

The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer Alli can cause bad diarrhea. Is there such a thing as good diarrhea? The diarrhea that only hits you when you want to fertilize your garden?
Nice moment
A 71-year-old man became the oldest person to scale Mt. Everest. It was great, he stood at the summit and shouted out to the world; “You punks get off my lawn.”

Since you asked:

Besides my brilliant (cough) comedy writing and my rocking (wheeze) harmonica playing, here is yet another reason Conan, Dave, Jay, Jon and or Craig should hire me.

As I have watched more than my share of talk shows, I am now completely intolerant in every way of big shot celebrities and their lame ass anecdotes. If I could get the talk show host to sign an agreement where I cannot be fired no matter how much some big shot movie star a-hole demands that I be fired, I would become the show’s best friend.

Thus armed with an ironclad contract, I would listen to these nimrods yammer their annoying stories they plan to tell on air and ask;

“Exactly how far, Mr. Russell Crowe, was the studio flunky’s head up your ass when he told you that lame-ass story was even remotely interesting?”

And when a move star blatantly lies to cover their ass about how great a well-known a-hole, like Kilmer, Segal, Snipes, Stallone, Ford, Cruise was to work with, he would be called out on the spot by me walking out from behind the camera on to the set carrying an actual douche bag:

“You liked working with that well-known douche bag? Well that must mean you’re a douche bag too, so you have to wear this douche bag on your head for the remainder of your segment as you whore your latest movie.”

Granted, the booking person will try to have me whacked, but so what?

My entertainment industry b.s. meter is right again. If Rosie quit “The View’ to pursue other offers, where the hell are all those other offers? Rosie’s girlfriend said Rosie would honor those offers. And then all night long it was honor, offer, honor, offer.