Friday, June 08, 2007

Word up for realizzle my mizzle roadizzle dogizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Free Paris
After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail for medical reasons, and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Just when I was starting to feel safe.

“Dancing with the Stars”Paul McCartney-ex, Heather Mills said she would never do another reality show. As far as Heather is concerned, reality shows don’t have a leg to stand on and they make her hopping mad.

Now why would it get caught in her . . .? Ohhhhhh
After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail for medical reasons, and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Authorities say there is something wrong with Paris’s ankle bracelet monitor. It seems it keeps getting caught in her earring.

After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out of an L.A. jail and sent home with an ankle monitor. Yeah, it’s all part of that new get-tough with criminals-so-make-them-lie-on-their-leather-couch-sipping-Cristal-champagne-eating-Beluga-cavier-and-watching-high-def-DVDs-in-their-Malibu-mansion rehabilitation program.

Common ground
Sunday night is the show finale of “The Sopranos” and the 61st Annual Tony Awards, one show is of interest to Mafia wise guys and the other is for gay men. Either way it is a big night of guys all whacking each other.

Makes sense
In New York, a man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him a painful erection that would not subside. The medical name for an annoying erection that won’t go away? Donald Trump.

Not clear on the concept
I’m not sure Paris Hilton gets what’s going on with jail. After they took her mug shot, Paris asked who she should autograph it to.

So excited
The Tony Awards are Sunday. Or as Ryan Seacrest call that: two days, one hour and sixteen minutes and 45 seconds.

In big step in stem cell advancement, three teams of scientists say they’ve produced the equivalent of embryonic stem cells without taking the controversial step of destroying embryos. Upon being told this, President Bush blinked and said; “I like cookies.”

That long ago
Scientists are saying they now know how a mummy from the ice age died. He was shot with an arrow in the shoulder right after his “60 Minutes” interview with Mike Wallace.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

We gonna hop on our ho runner and knock off some ‘hood rats, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crowd control
After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Apparently the jail had to let Paris go when they couldn’t manage the huge unruly mob that arrived for Paris’s conjugal visit.

Say it with pride
Honda announced they will no longer produce their hybrid Accord; this is bad news for the people who want a car to say “I’m an environmentally conscientious loser.”

Ahh, spring is in the air
It is the unofficial start of summer. In Washington DC it was so nice the congressman were accepting their bribes outside.

Not good
White House advisor “Scooter” Libby has been sentenced to 2 ½ years for leaking CIA secrets. That’s the last thing any guy wants is to be sent to prison with the name “Scooter.”

White House advisor “Scooter” Libby has been sentenced to 2 ½ years for leaking CIA secrets. In addition, “Scooter” was charged with having the same nickname as a dog with worms.

The NBC show “America’s Got Talent” will feature David Hasselhof and Sharon Osbourne as judges. So why isn’t the name “America’s Got Talent But Our Judges Don’t”?

Since you asked:

Let’s review: Paris Hilton violates a drunk driving parole not once but twice, (although I am no legal expert, if I broke a DUI parole only once, I am sure I would go away) so she gets sentenced to a stern but not unprecedented 45 days in a cushy, made-for-special-cases jail.

That 45 days gets reduced to half right away. Then, after only serving three days in the cushy jail, she gets sent home to Malibu. What would have happened if Paris violated her parole a third time? Would she be sentenced to two weeks at a spa in Palm Springs?

Look, almost all of us can agree that we do not like Paris Hilton because Paris Hilton is a selfish, mean-spirited, untalented publicity whore skanky brat. But what good does it do for society if Paris is put away in the slammer?

A lot of good.

You don’t think other selfish, mean, untalented publicity whore skanky brats will then think it’s OK to drive drunk, get caught, lose their license and go ahead and keep driving anyway even though they get caught doing it twice? And what if, heaven forbid, they hit and kill somebody?

Just as Paris Hilton is the personification of what is wrong with our vapid, spoiled and overly entitled culture, because she broke the law not once, not twice, but three times, Paris Hilton must be made a serious example and she should be locked up. And not because we hate her. That annoying woman who parked her over-size luxury SUV in the fire lane so she could put her twenty items in front of you in the ten-items-or-less line while yammering on her cell? That's Paris and she belongs in the can.

Paris may be a stupid bitch, but she also is, no thanks to her, fairly attractive for a girl with man hands and feet, a droopy eye, fried-out hair, a vagina with a welcome matt, small breasteses and an Owen Wilson-starter-set penis nose.

So since Paris is fairly attractive in a porn star way, why not sentence Paris to her full 45 day sentence and then sentence Paris to do ads asking people to do charity work? Why not sentence Paris to pay a couple million to a charity?

Where are those racist and sexist publicity whores Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and that pit bull with lip gloss, Gloria Allred? Why are they not screaming about the injustice of Paris getting special treatment because she is a rich white woman? For once I agree with those slimy blood-sucking lizards, Paris did get special treatment because she is a rich, famous white woman, and that is not fair. And where are those M.A.D.D. women?

The only good thing that can now come from this is, now that we all know that everyone despises Paris, if we all agree that Paris Hilton should vanish from the news in every possible way. Well, except for the punch line to skank jokes.

Please, paparazzi, and low-life garbage searching members of the press, do what the American sports fans are going to do with this year’s Tour De France: just stay away from Paris.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Crackin’ it, stackin’ it and packin’ it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Coals to Newcastle
A new California law allows gay prisoners to have conjugal visits with their same sex partners. This law is called the “Taking Sand To The Beach” law.

A survey reveals that Americans spend $40 billion a year on their pets. But we have to keep spending money on our pets or the terriers have won.

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate.

The Center for Disease Control is predicting a big drop in sexually transmitted diseases. That’s because Paris Hilton is in jail.

Safety in the air
In Los Angeles, Paris Hilton went to jail today for 23-days. You can just feel how much safer everyone feels.

“Desperate Housewives” star Eva Langoria is planning an extremely lavish wedding to French NBA star Tony Parker in France. It is so lavish, the couple is even going to spring for deodorant for the locals.

Or something like that
Paris Hilton went into jail and suicide Doctor Jack Kavorkian gets out; or, as I call it, out goes the crank, in goes the skank.

Free at last
Rosie O’Donnell is coming out with a book titled “Celebrity Detox.” Finally, an unrestricted forum where Rosie can say what she really feels without holding back so much.

Not good
LA Democrat William Jefferson is going away to prison for life. He was charged with soliciting bribes, money laundering, racketeering and impersonating a Republican.

USA Today ranks all the best places to swim naked. The best is Little Beach in Maui. The worst place to swim nude? The lobster tank at Red Lobster.

In health news, the Webpage “Live Science” claims laughter and sex are good for you. Now if only guys could just figure out how to pay for laughter.

Since you asked:

As I keep a close eye on the big three’s monologue’s, Jay, Dave and Conan, I have seen some interesting crowd reactions, but nothing compares to the past two weeks’ wild and thunderous applause from random audience members from New York to California every time the topic of Paris Hilton going to jail is mentioned.

And yet Paris continues to truly believe she is wildly popular. How can somebody be so deluded? How is it possible Paris doesn't know how the entire country holds her in laughable contempt? At a time when people can’t agree on anything about global warming to the war in Iraq, everybody despises Paris Hilton.

Good for you, folks, I am so proud of everyone.

Monday, June 04, 2007

In hunting news, an 11-year-old Alabama boy apparently shot an over one-thousand pound wild pig. Rosie O’Donnell even said she felt a disruption in the force.

Atlanta Falcon QB Michael Vick is under investigation for being a professional dog fight breeder which is a federal offense, so, if convicted, Vick could face prison. Now that’s poetic justice: A guy who breeds killer dogs who ends up in a cage as somebody’s bitch.

Paris Hilton’s Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. So apparently Paris thinks god hangs out at Rodeo Drive designer shops and in the men’s room of West Hollywood clubs.

The NFL has banned all teams from serving alcohol at all team functions including travel and meetings. This ban will be particularly difficult for the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff, they usually had to have a stiff one before they could even watch their team play.

Paris Hilton’s Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. Apparently Paris figured that she calls out “Oh, god” so much she should learn who he is.
Lex’s celebrity insight via the casting of “Knocked Up”:

Do you want an insight into how vapid, shallow and banal the top Hollywood actresses are?

(Put on the hairdryers and file your nails)

In some entertainment-type magazine I read that Judd Apatow, still with amazing heat following the huge hit “40 Year-Old Virgin” which Seth Rogan stole in a break-out performance, Apatow started auditioning the top-of-the-top hottest most beautiful Hollywood actresses to play the stunning lead actress to Rogan’s every guy lovable jamoke slacker in “Knocked Up.”

(Now, I know a real smart and funny woman who said she didn’t get “FYOV” and I can see why. It is sort of a guy’s movie. And I can see why women would not want to think guys are like the way they are portrayed in “FYOV” but I got bad news for you: we are just like that. But regardless, it was a huge hit at the box office, costing a Hollywood low $26 million and earning over $110 million)

Get this.

The first dozen actresses Apatow auditioned ignored and or were rude to his good friend, Seth Rogan, during the auditions and did not laugh at his improvisational lines –that is how Apatow works. It turns out those actresses thought Rogan was some smart-ass writer reading lines and not the lead actor and brushed him off. Ann Hathaway, however, was so gorgeous that she was hired for the role, despite being rude to Rogan, for her incredible looks and her name’s box office pull.

But then Apatow bounced Hathaway’s pretty ass off the set. Yay, Judd. Creative differences my tookus, it turns out Hathaway was a stuck up, humorless snit.

(Note to self: do not go to any Ann Hathaway movies)

Here is my question: how far are up their own butts are the heads of the top Hollywood actresses when they audition for the director for a lead role in a major motion picture when they haven’t bothered to have seen that director’s biggest hit? And why wouldn’t they even try to be nice to the guy who they are reading lines with, even if he is some director’s lacky?

And if they did see “FYOV” they obviously didn’t remember it, or they would have remembered Rogan. How do you forget a guy who, when finding out Steve Carell’s character, Andy, has a new hot girlfriend who is a grandmother, says;

“My grandmother looks like Jack Palance. If my grandmother looked like her I’d want to f*@k Jack Palance.”

Imagine an actress showing up for an audition with Martin Scorsese:

“Gosh, nice to meet you, Mr. Scorsese. Love your work. No I don’t believe I’ve seen this gentleman before. Nice to meet you Mr, uh, is it De Naru? Sorry, DeNiro.”

Kathy Heigl at least knew who Rogan was and she laughed like crazy at his fast wit. And yes, she is beautiful. And tall, like Rogan.

Now, I’m not gay – not that there is anything wrong with it – but, to quote Rogan’s Cal in “FYOV” wanna’ know how I know I’m gay? I don’t think Rogan is all that bad looking. Conceptually I can see how a babe like Heigl could drink him sexy and do the nasty. Humor, as well as booze, is a big aphrodisiac for many many babes.

Hey, I’m married to my hot babe wife, Virginia, aren’t I? Some of our friends are still scratching their heads at that one.