Thursday, June 07, 2007

We gonna hop on our ho runner and knock off some ‘hood rats, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crowd control
After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Apparently the jail had to let Paris go when they couldn’t manage the huge unruly mob that arrived for Paris’s conjugal visit.

Say it with pride
Honda announced they will no longer produce their hybrid Accord; this is bad news for the people who want a car to say “I’m an environmentally conscientious loser.”

Ahh, spring is in the air
It is the unofficial start of summer. In Washington DC it was so nice the congressman were accepting their bribes outside.

Not good
White House advisor “Scooter” Libby has been sentenced to 2 ½ years for leaking CIA secrets. That’s the last thing any guy wants is to be sent to prison with the name “Scooter.”

White House advisor “Scooter” Libby has been sentenced to 2 ½ years for leaking CIA secrets. In addition, “Scooter” was charged with having the same nickname as a dog with worms.

The NBC show “America’s Got Talent” will feature David Hasselhof and Sharon Osbourne as judges. So why isn’t the name “America’s Got Talent But Our Judges Don’t”?

Since you asked:

Let’s review: Paris Hilton violates a drunk driving parole not once but twice, (although I am no legal expert, if I broke a DUI parole only once, I am sure I would go away) so she gets sentenced to a stern but not unprecedented 45 days in a cushy, made-for-special-cases jail.

That 45 days gets reduced to half right away. Then, after only serving three days in the cushy jail, she gets sent home to Malibu. What would have happened if Paris violated her parole a third time? Would she be sentenced to two weeks at a spa in Palm Springs?

Look, almost all of us can agree that we do not like Paris Hilton because Paris Hilton is a selfish, mean-spirited, untalented publicity whore skanky brat. But what good does it do for society if Paris is put away in the slammer?

A lot of good.

You don’t think other selfish, mean, untalented publicity whore skanky brats will then think it’s OK to drive drunk, get caught, lose their license and go ahead and keep driving anyway even though they get caught doing it twice? And what if, heaven forbid, they hit and kill somebody?

Just as Paris Hilton is the personification of what is wrong with our vapid, spoiled and overly entitled culture, because she broke the law not once, not twice, but three times, Paris Hilton must be made a serious example and she should be locked up. And not because we hate her. That annoying woman who parked her over-size luxury SUV in the fire lane so she could put her twenty items in front of you in the ten-items-or-less line while yammering on her cell? That's Paris and she belongs in the can.

Paris may be a stupid bitch, but she also is, no thanks to her, fairly attractive for a girl with man hands and feet, a droopy eye, fried-out hair, a vagina with a welcome matt, small breasteses and an Owen Wilson-starter-set penis nose.

So since Paris is fairly attractive in a porn star way, why not sentence Paris to her full 45 day sentence and then sentence Paris to do ads asking people to do charity work? Why not sentence Paris to pay a couple million to a charity?

Where are those racist and sexist publicity whores Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and that pit bull with lip gloss, Gloria Allred? Why are they not screaming about the injustice of Paris getting special treatment because she is a rich white woman? For once I agree with those slimy blood-sucking lizards, Paris did get special treatment because she is a rich, famous white woman, and that is not fair. And where are those M.A.D.D. women?

The only good thing that can now come from this is, now that we all know that everyone despises Paris, if we all agree that Paris Hilton should vanish from the news in every possible way. Well, except for the punch line to skank jokes.

Please, paparazzi, and low-life garbage searching members of the press, do what the American sports fans are going to do with this year’s Tour De France: just stay away from Paris.