Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Crackin’ it, stackin’ it and packin’ it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Coals to Newcastle
A new California law allows gay prisoners to have conjugal visits with their same sex partners. This law is called the “Taking Sand To The Beach” law.

A survey reveals that Americans spend $40 billion a year on their pets. But we have to keep spending money on our pets or the terriers have won.

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate.

The Center for Disease Control is predicting a big drop in sexually transmitted diseases. That’s because Paris Hilton is in jail.

Safety in the air
In Los Angeles, Paris Hilton went to jail today for 23-days. You can just feel how much safer everyone feels.

“Desperate Housewives” star Eva Langoria is planning an extremely lavish wedding to French NBA star Tony Parker in France. It is so lavish, the couple is even going to spring for deodorant for the locals.

Or something like that
Paris Hilton went into jail and suicide Doctor Jack Kavorkian gets out; or, as I call it, out goes the crank, in goes the skank.

Free at last
Rosie O’Donnell is coming out with a book titled “Celebrity Detox.” Finally, an unrestricted forum where Rosie can say what she really feels without holding back so much.

Not good
LA Democrat William Jefferson is going away to prison for life. He was charged with soliciting bribes, money laundering, racketeering and impersonating a Republican.

USA Today ranks all the best places to swim naked. The best is Little Beach in Maui. The worst place to swim nude? The lobster tank at Red Lobster.

In health news, the Webpage “Live Science” claims laughter and sex are good for you. Now if only guys could just figure out how to pay for laughter.

Since you asked:

As I keep a close eye on the big three’s monologue’s, Jay, Dave and Conan, I have seen some interesting crowd reactions, but nothing compares to the past two weeks’ wild and thunderous applause from random audience members from New York to California every time the topic of Paris Hilton going to jail is mentioned.

And yet Paris continues to truly believe she is wildly popular. How can somebody be so deluded? How is it possible Paris doesn't know how the entire country holds her in laughable contempt? At a time when people can’t agree on anything about global warming to the war in Iraq, everybody despises Paris Hilton.

Good for you, folks, I am so proud of everyone.