Friday, February 02, 2007

It is hard out here

Happy Birthday to our own little groundhog, Wrigley, who was born today five years ago

Wrigley saw his shadow and predicts we are in for six more months of being a knucklehead.

It is hard out here

We ain’t here to start no trouble we’re just here to do the Super Bowl shuffle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not since then
A woman in Oklahoma had a 93-pound tumor removed. This is the biggest tumor removal since Britney Spears divorced Kevin Federline.

Co-written with Janice Hough
Archaeologists have uncovered an ancient village for festival-goers near Stonehenge in England. Not only that, they now know that Stonehenge was named after the first band to perform at the ancient village: The Rolling Stones.

Not fair
France has joined other European countries in a battle to force Apple to allow iTunes downloads on non-Apple music players. Apple would be concerned that France has joined in a battle against them except for the fact that Apple’s military is far mightier than France’s.

So sad
First Barbaro, now more sad news. It seems “Greys Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington suffered a set back at gay rehab. At dinner Isaiah told a Clay Aiken joke, now he may have to be put down.

A little confused
Are you excited about the Super Bowl? President Bush is excited about the Super Bowl but he is confused as to why everyone is so eager to take his bets on the Dallas Cowboys.

A Police action
The Police will reunite to perform at the Grammys. For their first act, the Police will arrest Snoop Dog.

A good fit
The Texas Rangers will sign Sammy Sosa for $500,000 if he makes the roster. They feel that Sosa could fill in a spot in their lineup tighter than cork in a bat or a steroid needle in the butt.

Off he goes
The San Francisco Giants have agreed to sign Barry Bonds unless he gets indicted. If Bonds does get indicted he will be immediately traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.

A technical name for those men
According to a poll conducted by a Colorado brewery, many men consider the Super Bowl more important than Valentine's Day. There is a word that describes men like this. They’re called guys.

Paula Abdul is acting nuttier and nuttier on “American Idol.” Did you see the last episode in Birmingham? Paula wore a really ugly toupee and told the losing contestants; “You’re fired.”

Suddenly he is doing better
There is good news; “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington’s gay rehab has been doing well. Today Isaiah gay rehab improved from fabulous to fierce.

Say it ain’t so, Joe
Del. Sen. Joe Biden announced he is running for President despite a history of twice getting caught plagiarizing. When asked to comment on his plagiarizing charges, Biden said; “Well, like I always say; Men of few words are the best men. Or was that Shakespeare?”

All growds up
Dan Radcliffe, the actor who played Harry Potter, appears nude in a play in London. Not to get too graphic, but Dan is getting older, you can actually see that his Potter is Harry.

Dan Radcliffe, the actor who played Harry Potter, appears nude in a play in London. Not to get too critical, but rumor has it his wand ain’t so magic.

Step off, Beyaaatch
Leonardo DiCaprio is nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in “Blood Diamond.” Leonardo got beefed up for that movie. In fact, Leonardo worked out so much that if they filmed “Titanic” today, he could have kicked Kate Winslett’s ass off of that raft.

Yeah, Lex, its for them
A brewery in Belgium has made a beer for dogs. Who is this for, those dogs who have to drink that ugly dog’s butt pretty before they’ll sniff it?

Thank you
Penelope Cruz is nominated for best actress for “Volver.” Penelope continues to deny the rumors that she and Selma Hayek are much more than friends. For those of you who haven’t heard that rumor and are now picturing Selma and Penelope together, you’re quite welcome.

Since you asked:
Since there doesn’t seem to be anyone on the Bears or the Colts who want to start any kind of controversy, all the good people here at a.l.B.b. agree it is time to start a controversy, or whip on the ‘versy as my peeps say if I had peeps.

The Bears want to beat up on the Colts because Peyton Manning is a punk-ass.

As I mentioned before, I am so over Manning throwing his linemen under the bus after his playoff choke last year.

And how would you like to be their offensive coordinator when Manning acts like he is creating and inventing every play at the line of scrimmage? Those plays were designed before hand by the coaches but to all the world it looks like Peyton is creating them on the spot.

And Peyton has never, ever thrown a bad pass. He just has receivers who run the wrong routes which he is more than happy to non-verbally indicate on live national TV.

As I have also mentioned before, before the Colts Patriots game they showed an old family video clip of Peyton playing football as a six-year-old kid with his older brother Cooper. Peyton gets tackled and immediately starts crying and whining and screaming. Very insightful.

As long as I am spreading Manning dirt, let’s discuss the patriarch, Archie. Yes, he is beloved in Mississippi, but I have good sources who say he is a cranky egomaniac. And how about the way he ham-fistedly screwed up his boy Eli’s being drafted to San Diego by demanding a trade to New York. It pissed off everybody in San Diego and now, due to Eli’s lousy play, it is pissing off New York.

And exactly when does Manning have the time to study all of the films he loves to claim he studies when he is clearly spending all of his time filming commercial after commercial?

Mark my words, Brian Urlacher is going to be so far up Manning’s Peyton he will get a percentage of Manning’s commercials.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

It is hard out here

Since you asked:

Go ahead, call me one pot Lex, I don’t mind. No, not that kind of pot, Snoop Dog, a cooking pot.

As we have been having what passes in San Diego as a frigid winter, temperature dipping into the high forties and low fifties with rain and clouds, this is a perfect excuse to make winter foods.
One pot cooking is classic Lex style. Easy, easy to clean, flashy and good.

Yes, I made my famous Lexter Dexter chili, but the night before I made a ripping red wine beef stew.

Tonight? I am going with my Paella with a big change. Did the beer butt chicken last night on the mesquite Weber and man did the chicken pick up the smoky flavor well.

So tonight I am going to substitute chicken thighs with fish. Going to roll the fish in a seasoned flour, quickly fry it brown on both sides, remove, sweat the chopped onion and bell peppers and garlic, add the andouille sausage, let the sausage fry a tad, then add the chicken stock, rice, fish, simmer hard for fourteen minutes then throw the shrimp and go another seven minutes and then the carrots and peas with a couple minutes to go.

Badabing, badaboom, badabiddly, Bob is your Uncle. Serve with a nice crusty French bread and chilly white wine and I am so money I don’t even freakin’ know it.

No, I don’t add clams. AC and Virg are not big clam fans.

Hollywood is a lot smarter than it looks.

Hollywood has eliminated the possibility of screwing up and replaced it with a reason to go into rehab.

Drive drunk and yell anti-Semitic remarks? No problem, Mel, Mad Max your way over the rehab. Yell anti-gay or racist epithets in public? You’re not an idiot like we thought Isaiah Washington and Michael Richards first appeared, they are simply in need of rehab. Do a lousy job on a movie by showing up late and being too hung over to do something as easy as reading other people’s words? Poor Lindsay Lohan needs to go bye-bye for a while.

When I was a bond broker on Wall Street, if my customer yelled into the phone that he wanted to buy twenty five million bonds issued on one date but he actually meant bonds issued on another date, guess who got charged for that mistake? You got it, me. Not that I needed any help, I was pretty good at screwing up as a bond broker all my own.

The fact is without any accountability nobody learns from their mistakes. As a comedy writer, when a jokes bombs it is easy to blame it on the poor delivery of the performer or a surly audience. The fact is if a joke dies it wasn’t written well enough. Period.

When I perform stand up and it is a rough night, I can blame the crowd. Or the guy who bombed in front of me. Truth of the matter is that if it was Steve Martin or Robin Williams up there, that crowd would have cheered.

That’s it. Next time I write or tell a joke that bombs, I don’t suck as a comedy writer. I just need to go into comedy rehab.

Top Ten treatments at comedy rehab:

After brushing your teeth in the morning, do ten spit takes into the sink.

When your roommate goes to use the bathroom in the morning have two or three “My god, chew your food” or “Go see a doctor” or “An alien died in there” cracks ready when they come out.

Anytime a guy uses a urinal next to another guy he must have at least one “Hey, that looks just like one only smaller” jokes ready to go.

At breakfast, be the first one to tell the “What’s the difference between eggs, wives, meat and oral sex? joke and you get out of that day’s funny bone exercises. (You can beat your meat, your wife, your eggs, but you can’t beat oral sex)

After breakfast, go on a long walk interspersed with three to four good prat falls. Mud puddles always a bonus.

Get on the computer and fill in the blanks on five “Paris Hilton is such a skank (blank) and two “Kevin Federline is such a loser” (blank)

Take the picture on the front of the local paper and come up with a funny caption. For example, if it is a picture of Hillary Clinton write “Global Warming Worsens. Another Chunk Falls From Hillary.”

For lunch order the soup and have at least three “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup” jokes ready when it comes.

That afternoon watch all the old “The Cosby Show” reruns and memorize everything they do and say and never, ever repeat any of them.

Late afternoon jog interspersed with four or five fake running-into-a-sign-or-tree takes.

At dinner order the hot roast beef sandwich and point to the words aus jus on the menu and ask the waiter what that is, when he says it yell gesundheit.

At night read anything by David Sederis or watch anything with Amy Sedaris in it.

And I know that is more than ten. Math rehab is next month.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It is hard out here

The Oscars are coming up. Can we offer a few insights to the nominees?

A, Write a speech. Don’t try to get us to believe that it didn’t occur to you that you might win. You have a one in four chance, you idiot. Of course you might win, so don’t waste our time with false modesty.

B, When you write the speech, do not thank your agent and business manager and your publicist. You and they may think that is important but the one billion people watching do not. So that makes it four against one billion.

C, If you’re not funny, hire someone who is (ahem) and have a funny line in your speech. Not everyone can afford Bruce Vilanche so click on this e-mail address and we can work something out.

For example, if Will Smith wins, he can claim he is shocked because, when Selma Hayek announced the nominees, she named some dude named Wheel Smeeth. So, Wheel, sorry.

Dame Helen Mirren can explain that, in England, Dame is not synonymous with broad.

Leonardo DiCaprio could say that he worked out so much for “Blood Diamond” that if they made “Poseidon” now he could kick Kate Winslett’s ass off of that raft.

Penelope Cruz can say that the rumors of her being lovers with Selma Hayek are not true, but for those of you who thought about it, you’re welcome.


It is hard out here

It so not gonna go on the down low to and fro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What the hell?
It’s happened again. Female teachers in Ohio and Colorado were charged with having sex with male students. When my teachers told me I had to hit that thing and hit it hard, they meant my homework.

Where was the love for Lex?
It’s happened again. Female teachers in Ohio and Colorado were charged with having sex with male students. This is more prevalent than we thought. In fact, it now seems hot high school female teachers have been having sex with every single male student except me. That stinks.  

Tale of two titles
The movie “Because I Said So” opened this weekend. “Because I Said So” is a romantic comedy starring Diane Keaton, “Because I Said So” is also a documentary of Donald Rumsfeld explaining his Iraq decisions.  

There was no football game this weekend, “Dream Girls” is in theaters, “Brokeback Mountain” is out on DVD and the talent show for “Grease” was on TV. Or as it is otherwise known, the Gay Trifecta.

Stats don’t lie
A survey from the readers of “Self” magazine reveals that 40% had not had sex in six months. And you won’t believe the numbers from the readers of “Self Love” magazine.  

Deadly title
The World’s oldest person, Mrs. Emma Tillman, died at 114 in Connecticut. That’s one title you don’t want. The title World’s Oldest Person has killed off more people than the title: Husband of Anna Nicole Smith.  

Hey guys, get a room
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are in Philadelphia. It was a little awkward, when Philadelphians saw Charles and Camilla they said; “I know this is the city of brotherly love but those guys are taking it too far.”

And we wonder still
Manchester United star Wayne Rooney, one of soccer’s toughest guys, when asked by the BBC what his taste in music is, replied “The musical “Oliver.” I can sing every tune.” And yet they still can’t figure out why Americans make fun of soccer players.

Fierce progress
“Grey’s Anatomy” co-star Isaiah Washington is undergoing gay sensitivity rehab after calling a co-star a gay slur. It is going pretty well. Today Isaiah was able to watch three shows on Bravo and order the Spinach quiche for lunch.

“Grey’s Anatomy” co-star Isaiah Washington is undergoing gay sensitivity rehab after calling a co-star a gay slur. This is a rough time for a guy to be in gay sensitivity rehab. Sunday, the Super Bowl will be on but the gay rehab TV will be tuned to Bravo’s “Project Runway.”

Don’t confuse the two
The Miss America pageant is tonight on CMT. Don’t confuse this with Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant. There is a talent section in the Miss America that does not include doing Jello shots, groping hot women and getting pregnant.

That explains it
Nine Cincinnati Bengals have been arrested in the last nine months. This explains why Mike Tyson has been hired as a team consultant.

Sounds about right
There was no football game this weekend, “Dream Girls” is in theaters, “Brokeback Mountain” is out on DVD and the talent show for “Grease” was on NBC . Or as “Greys Anatomy” Isaiah Washington calls that, Gay therapy.

Since you asked:

Sure. I know what you’re asking.  You’re saying, T. Rex Lex, you old diggity dawhg, you, you picked the winners of the NFC and AFC championship, so who do you have in the big 41?

To that I have to say T. Rex Lex? Really? That’s all you can come up with?

Now remember, I am a huge Chicago Bears fan so I am biased.


It will come down to the fact that the Bears have proven they can win when their quarterback, “T” Rex “Dude, you’re so” Grossman, has a bad day and the Colts cannot win on those rare days Peyton “Place” Manning “the post” has a bad day.

How many times has Peyton “Big ol’ baby head” Manning had a good day in a Super Bowl? Exactly. And Bear linebacker Brian “Your tackler” Urlacher was practically made in a laboratory to give Peyton Manning a bad day. A guy who can blitz, plug the run, and cover a receiver deep? Come on. Seriously, give me a “come on” one time. Thank you.

The Bears have a better running game and a better defense at stopping the run. If they can keep the Colts offense from wearing out the Bears defense with the no-huddle by feeding the porous Colts D – yes, I know they’ve done better lately but so what? – a steady diet of  Thomas “Casey” Jones and Cedric “The Entertainer” Benson with West-coast style shots out to their talented receivers Mushin “Moose on the loose” Muhammad and Bernard Berrian “enema” without too many interceptions, the Bears will not only win but win big.

Throw in the fact that Rex loves to heave her deep, that is asking a lot of the Colts D.

That taken with the fact that they are giving the Bears no love with a disrespectful seven point spread means you gotta take the Bears and get the seven points.

Remember it is not just turnovers that kill you. It is your negative or positive turnover ratio. You can be intercepted three times as long as your defense intercepts four.  

Oh, snap, dog, I really should charge hefty coinage for these pearls . . .

Monday, January 29, 2007

It is hard out here

That is our goal and how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scared straight, so to speak
In an attempt to cut down on sexual diseases, New York City is going to hand out free condoms with jazzy wrappers to attract more users. You want to scare someone into using a condom? Just put a picture of Paris Hilton on the wrapper.

A natural fit
A die-hard pregnant Chicago Bear fan is offering to show an ad on her ample belly in exchange for two Super Bowl tickets. If you ask me I don’t see how Viagra can turn this down.

Personally, I do not see how “Got Milk?” can turn it down either.

Some ads just wouldn’t work, like Trojan condoms.

Until then, lighten up, Francis
Restaurant workers are mad at a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial that depicts Kevin Federline working at a fast food joint. They say it insults restaurant workers. Give me a break. When fast food workers finally remember to put ketchup packs in the bag then we’ll listen.

What did you think the seven, oh, no you di . . .n’t
The Indianapolis Colts are favored by seven points over the Chicago Bears. So if you take the Bears you get the seven. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton took the Bears, but she was very disappointed to find out the seven she got was only in points.

Since you asked:
So our Sunday morning tradition is for me to get up and ride the bike early – either at the gym or on the road – and then get lox and bagels. As, due to travel and soccer games and other such things, we have been off our normal schedule for many weeks.

Sunday, I wake up and I see that A.C. has crawled into bed and is snoozing away with both arms around her blue plush bunny, Blueberry. (The one that I always ask AC if it has been stolen) So I say to Virgiana, who is awake;

“I’ll go get bagels and smoked salmon.”

Out of a dead sleep, A.C. snaps awake, still clutching bunny, with her two front teeth still gone missing, she says in her accidental Daffy Duck impression;

“Ewwwwwwww, sthaaat ssthoundsth goooooooood.”

Sunday, January 28, 2007

It is hard out here

What? What? What? What, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

There is a new show called “Armed and Famous” that stars LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada, Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus and Jason Acuna. So I guess that means they aren’t really armed either.

I guess the name “Armed and Untalented” didn’t work with focus groups.

France has joined a group that is protesting Apple to allow downloads on non-Apple products. This might be a concern for Apple if they weren’t already more powerful than France.

Al Gore’s global warming documentary “Inconvenient Truth” was nominated for an Oscar. Don’t worry, if Al Gore wins and gives a speech, the audience will be provided with cyanide pills.

This global warming is serious. At President Bush’s State of the Union speech, the temperature was so hot it almost melted the icy stares from Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.

There is trouble with the Philadelphia Eagles. Apparently injured quarterback Donovan McNabb is in a real hissy fit about all the attention being given to his 6-1 replacement, Jeff Garcia. In fact, McNabb is throwing such a tantrum that even Terrell Owens told him to grow up.

Greys Anatomy” co-star Isaiah Washington announced he has checked into rehab for homophobia for saying a gay slur. Apparently it is a 12-dance-step program.

Greys Anatomy” co-star Isaiah Washington announced he has checked into rehab for saying a gay slur on the set. It’s a tough program. You have to sit there and watch a recording of the Broadway musical “Cats.”

You can’t leave the homophobic rehab center until you can quote Oscar Wilde and bake a spinach quiche.

In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Dick Cheney got angry when he was asked a question about his pregnant lesbian daughter. Cheney was so mad he threw his red pitch fork at him.

Ford announced a record $12.7 billion loss in 2006. Ford, where quality is job one and cleaning out your desk is job two.

The Council of American-Islamic relations have renewed their objections of Muslims being portrayed as terrorists on Fox’s “24.” In fact, the Muslims object so much to being portrayed as terrorists, they are going to blow up Fox with a nuclear bomb.

A woman parachutist who was involved in a love triangle fell to her death and police suspect the spurned man tampered with her chute. He got the idea of having her plunge to the ground from watching the Oakland Raiders.

As you know, John Kerry announced his is not going to run for President in 2008; oh, I’m hearing something in my earpiece. What’s that? Oh, now John Kerry is going to run. Wait, there’s another . . . no, Kerry is out again.

Kerry’s campaign adviser could tell Kerry was upset about not running. He asked; “John, why the long face?”

Restaurant workers are mad at a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial that depicts Kevin Federline working at a fast food joint. They say it’s insulting to restaurant workers. Oh please. Listen, if you’re 35 and cleaning the deep fryer, don’t kid yourself, you’re living the dream, my friend, living the dream.

Restaurant workers are mad at a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial that depicts Kevin Federline working at a fast food joint. They say it insults restaurant workers. Yeah, in fact, today five McDonalds employees were so upset they actually got somebody’s order right.

Since you asked:

Ann Caroline’s latest thing:.

Whenever we leave the house, Ann Caroline rides me like a 50 peso burro and fusses at me at length if I do not immediately lock the front door. For whatever reason, she has it firmly in her little blonde head that if we are robbed, the first - and possibly only thing - the horde of blood thirsty thieves will steal is her beloved blue plush bunny Blueberry.

So, of course, it gives me no end of pleasure to tell her when we get home from school or soccer;

“Gosh, did I lock the house? I hope so because there was this creepy guy wandering around the neighborhood who said he was looking for blue bunnies.”


“Oh no, the garage side door was open, I sure hope the dogs didn’t get Blueberry.”

After a yelling a thoroughly disgusted and fed up sounding; “Daaaahhhhhhhd” A.C. then bolts up to her room to check on Blueberry.

Ahh, the joy of fatherhood. Thy name is messing with thine own children.