It is hard out here

The Oscars are coming up. Can we offer a few insights to the nominees?

A, Write a speech. Don’t try to get us to believe that it didn’t occur to you that you might win. You have a one in four chance, you idiot. Of course you might win, so don’t waste our time with false modesty.

B, When you write the speech, do not thank your agent and business manager and your publicist. You and they may think that is important but the one billion people watching do not. So that makes it four against one billion.

C, If you’re not funny, hire someone who is (ahem) and have a funny line in your speech. Not everyone can afford Bruce Vilanche so click on this e-mail address and we can work something out.  lexkase@san.rr.com

For example, if Will Smith wins, he can claim he is shocked because, when Selma Hayek announced the nominees, she named some dude named Wheel Smeeth. So, Wheel, sorry.

Dame Helen Mirren can explain that, in England, Dame is not synonymous with broad.

Leonardo DiCaprio could say that he worked out so much for “Blood Diamond” that if they made “Poseidon” now he could kick Kate Winslett’s ass off of that raft.

Penelope Cruz can say that the rumors of her being lovers with Selma Hayek are not true, but for those of you who thought about it, you’re welcome.