Saturday, April 29, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna drop it like it’s hotter than a pistizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ahh, no
Experts predict that, someday, people will be able to have sex with their computer; to which millions of guys are asking; “You mean you can’t do that now?”

“Oh my god, Larry, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m using that new computer sex program.”

“Yeah, but that’s the ugliest computer I have ever seen.”

Experts predict that, someday, people will be able to have sex with their computer; And in Montana they will even make the computers look like sheep.

Exxon announced a first quarter profit of $8 billion dollars. Gosh, I guess that motivational speaker they hired four months ago really worked.

And then she wept
On “American Idol” the bald guy, Chris Daughtry, is the favorite to win. Chris is such a favorite that Paula Abdul is already preparing to mumble a denial that she is sleeping with him.

Pays off
Exxon announced a record $8 billion in first quarter profits; how did they do that when we know they say oil prices are fair? Must be all the money they save buying in bulk at Office Depot.

Not good
Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and she is dating David Spade. Dating David Spade is the Hollywood equivalent of throwing out all of the husbands clothes on the lawn and driving over his golf clubs.

Have you seen the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi video? An ugly guy spewing hatred without even looking at the camera. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen on film that didn’t include Ben Affleck or Madonna.

Hate for that to happen
Experts are beginning to worry that, if the problems in Iraq do not get better, we may reach a point where attention is diverted from where it belongs: the birth of Angelina and Brad’s baby. Oh, and that finding Osama-thing is big too.

Not smart
“Sports Illustrated” revealed that Texas quarterback Vince Young only scored 15 out of 50 on an IQ test where one of the questions is: if a pad of paper costs 21 cents, how much would four pads cost? Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Heck, even I know four times 21 is 100.”

It could happen
A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. President Bush said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. And, who knows? One of these days President Bush may even give a speech in English.

A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. President Bush said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. After all, Bush has a difficult enough time trying to understand the English version. What the heck are them there ramparts anyway?

A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. Many, including President Bush, said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. Arnold Schwarzenegger also had an opinion on the Spanish Star Spangled banner, but nobody could understand what the hell he said.

(Side note: Leno had a joke: “Isn’t it enough that it already starts with “Jose can you see?” How the hell did I miss that one?)

I knew it sounded familiar
A Senate panel suggested that FEMA should be closed. The Senate suggested that everyone at FEMA should shut down and stop working. Just like they did during hurricane Katrina.

Bad choice
“Sports Illustrated” listed San Diego Charger Ryan Leaf as the all time worst draft pick in the NFL. To show how bad Ryan Leaf was, if the Houston Texans used their first pick to take Ryan Seacrest, he would be the second worst draft pick named Ryan.

Since you asked, Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant Style:
Let me reiterate – in case I didn’t iterate the first time – if there is anything better on a Friday night than playing harmonica with a rockin’ band at a cozy local bar/dive, I sure as hell don’t know what it is. (Sure, there are those who will go with a drunken hot tub party with naked super models with incredibly low esteem, but . . .)

This night was the Railheads at the Mira Mesa Inn. At about Six that night I was thinking of cancelling as my back was killing me and I was tired like an old man. Ahh, but the adrenaline rush of rock is a heady cure-all, my friends. By the second set I felt great. And a couple of beers didn't hurt neither ways.

Besides some earlier technical difficulties that resulted in feedback that would knock over a moose, the first set went pretty well and it really took off from there. We had several guest appearances including a lead saucy female singer for a biker bar band named Stevie, who took over on “Mustang Sally” and ruffled the feathers of the guy who sings that – she didn’t ask, she would just walk up and started singing – but since she did a good job, everyone ended up being fine with it. The guys in this band are really good guys.

And the hot blonde Aussie bartender with the Harley butt tattoo and the eyebrow piercing scar (It’s clear from the clean scar it had been ripped out, but it works for her) Emma, did a rollicking “Proud Mary”

But the best was this kind of quiet bookish looking dude who pointed to a red Fender Stratocaster in its guitar stand during a break and asked if he could sit in. It not being my call, plus I was leery anyway, the guy didn't look like a Jimi, I directed him to Bill, the founder and leader of the band and the owner of the guitar, and he was fine with it.

Well, this guy jumped in and rocked on the Allman Brothers “Stormy Monday.” We invited him up later on “Pride and Joy” and my blatant rip off blues jam of Little Walter’s “Juke.” Steve, the guest guitarist, and I did a fun back and forth and then a duet jam, ala Fender and Walsh – if I may take many liberties – in the end of “Hotel California.”

Did a couple of jokes in between songs. One killed, one fell like it went quail hunting with Dick Cheney. After we did Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” a few people starting chanting “Freebird, Freebird.” So I took the mike and egged them on in my dead-on Ronnie Van Zandt;

“Which song is it you wanna’ heahhhh?” When they screamed like banshees;

“Freebird!!!!” I said, still in the Van Zandt drawl;

“That’s too bad, ‘cause we don’t play it.”

You had to be there. It was funny. It was like the time last July when we played at a block party in Point Loma; the sun was setting over the tall palm trees in the park above the beach and it looked just like the cover of “Hotel California” minus the Beverly Hills Hotel. When I pointed this out to the crowd and then asked wouldn’t it be perfect to hear “Hotel California”? They went nuts. Then I said;

“Well then we’ll have to learn how to play that some time.”

Again, trust me, you had to be there but this is killer stuff. Oh my.

We played until midnight including two encores. Really, they wouldn’t let us leave, which is always a good sign. It was a great crowd. A lot of friends and family of the band, and some loyal followers of the band and then the bar regulars who are, um, interesting. Overheard one guy with a tank top, hair net and lots of tats saying;

“Yeah, they let me out to go to their funerals, but I gotta go back in the slammer tomorrow.”

Alrighty then. Don’t shoot me, I’m only the harmonica player.

Friday, April 28, 2006

It is hard out here

Strap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bird talk
A UCSD researcher says that birds can recognize aspects of Grammar. For example, a quail can say to another quail, “There’s Dick Cheney. Quick, fly behind the old lawyer.”

Among other things
Experts predict that people will soon be able to have sex with their computer; this will bring an entire new meaning to the term getting Google’d.

Bad dog
Snoop Dog got arrested after getting in a fight at London’s Heathrow airport. Well, not a fight, really, but Snoop Dog did try to hump a security officer’s leg.

It was serious, they booked Snoop Dog and threw him in the pound.

Not long
Barry Bonds hit his 711th home run and is three behind Babe Ruth. At this rate, Bonds could break Babe Ruth’s record before his skull grows another hat size.

That must be it
Exxon announced a record $8 billion in first quarter profits; wow, I wonder how they did that? It must be because of all the money Exxon is saving on office supplies at Staples.

Exxon announced record $8 billion in first quarter profits; that puts some serious pressure on the Exxon company picnic this year. “What do you mean we can’t afford both a Jumpy and a balloon animal making clown? We made $8 billion in one quarter.”

Now that’s cute
Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” Kellie is so perky, cute and vivacious, for one minute even Ryan Seacrest thought of making a pass at her.

Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” Kellie is so perky and vivacious, Paula Abdul had to double her tranquilizers just to deal with her.

Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” It got emotional when Paula Abdul slurred goodbye to Kellie.

A sure sign
It is looking more like the winner of “American Idol” will be the bald guy, Chris Daughtry. Daughtry is such a favorite that Paula Abdul has already prepared to slur out a statement denying she slept with him.

Duke getting’ they freak on
In investigating the Duke Lacrosse rape case, authorities are shocked to discover widespread incidents of drinking and promiscuity on the elite Duke campus. Shocked? Really? In college I had a double major in Drinking and Promiscuity with a minor in Flatulent Humor.

Or “Everybody Loves Aging”
Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger may star in a sitcom. I think it’s called “Will and Not aging with Grace.”

Thursday, April 27, 2006

It is hard out here

We keepin’ the deal real to the feel, McNeal and Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers

Experts predict that people will soon be able to have sex with their computer; this is not good news for Apple computer. No guy wants to admit he had sex with a Mac.

Speaking for guys, whoever writes the computer sex program, please, please do not call it software.

Idol Feud
Ryan Seacrest revealed he and Paula Abdul do not speak; it goes back to when they fought over who got to sleep with Clay Aiken.

That hardly covers it
To counteract the bad publicity, oil companies are publishing an explanation of where your dollar goes when you buy gas. And after they explain where your dollar goes, they’ll explain what happens to the rest of the nine tenths of a gallon of gas.

He is not worthy
Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and now she is dating David Spade. Wow, she must be really furious at Richey. Dating David Spade? Did Heather catch Richey with her sister?

Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and now she is dating David Spade. Boy. I’ve heard of women getting even, but dating David Spade? Wow. What the heck did Richey do to deserve that?

Heather Locklear is dating David Spade. Apparently Gilbert Gottfried and Pauly Shore were busy.

That damn press
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay blamed Enron’s bankruptcy on the press. Boy, it’s not enough that the press lies, now they are sneaking into offices and cooking the books, inflating prices, gouging consumers while lying to investors. The press must be stopped.  

Oprah is fuming
A 19-year-old girl, Kaavya Viswanathan, sold a best seller before attending Harvard, now she admits she plagiarized. That’s not the worst of it. The part she stole came from James Frey’s lie-filled biography, “A Million Little Pieces”. Oprah is going to be furious.  

Right woman for the job
The congresswoman charged with slapping a Capital policeman, Cynthia McKinney, was recorded swearing and calling her aide a fool off camera. She hit a cop, then she lied about it, and now she’s caught swearing and insulting an aide. Is this woman qualified for congress or what?

That’s a string of public stupidity and bad publicity that would impress Courtney Love and Bobby Brown.

Babs is pissed and what else is new?
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is” And if there is one way discredit a book that claims you are difficult, it is to lash out in rage at it.

Singing a new tune
Venezuelan researchers have found a way to make beans flatulent free; this is good news to everyone but the person who owns the rights to the song; “Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit.”

Prom night
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. So many girls were pregnant, the theme of their prom was “A Night in Paris . . . Hilton.”

That or Sponge Bob Square Pants with Tinky Winky
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is.” The book implies that Streisand had sex with Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton and Barbra Streisand having sex? That has to be Rev. Jerry Falwell’s worst nightmare.

Babs is back
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is.” Barbra is so upset about the book labeling her as wildly promiscuous, moody and difficult, that she slapped four lovers and fired five personal assistants before she calmed down.  

Easier solution
A man in Oregon had 12 nails taken out of his head. Jeeze pal, next time just buy a hat that fits.

Child abuse
Kevin Federline said he likes to play his rap album to his seven month old son, Preston. That explains how the kid hit his head, he didn’t fall, he jumped out of the high chair to get away from the horrible noise.

When Britney told her seven-month-old son, Preston, that she was pregnant, he was so shocked he almost drove off the road.

Just like them
Miami running back Ricky Williams has been suspended for one year for failing his fourth drug test. So for all next season, Williams will be out of the NFL, sort of like the Houston Texans.

Tough choice
Experts say the latest Osama bin Laden video tape reveal that he is losing power; that means that either Osama or Kellie Pickler will be the next one to go from “American Idol.”

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

It is hard out here

Stay righteous and off the pipe, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news, bad news
The good news is that President Bush is looking into lowering gas prices; the bad news is Bush’s first idea is to make it cheaper to fill up a car by making the gas tanks smaller.

On this date in 1990 the Hubble Space telescope was put in space.  The Hubble is amazing, it can actually see into the vacant hole where Dick Cheney’s soul would be.

Bad sign
The price of gas keeps going up. In L.A. rival gangs were car-pooling to their drive-by shootings.

Bush League
Star USC tailback Reggie Bush denied any wrong doing in his parents renting a San Diego area house from a prospective agent. And who doesn’t believe him? Come on, a guy named Bush doing something stupid then covering it up? Who has ever heard of such a thing?

Apparently USC star Reggie Bush’s parents lived in the $750,000 San Diego home for little or no rent. Upon hearing that, convicted ex-San Diego congressman Duke Cunningham said; “And the problem is what?”

Apparently USC star Reggie Bush’s parents lived in the $750,000 San Diego home for little or no rent. This is so bad, Bush’s parents may have no choice but to run for congress.

Star USC tailback Reggie Bush denied any wrong doing in his parents living in a San Diego area house owned by a prospective agent. And yet his parents moved out the same day it was reported in the news. They couldn’t look more suspicious if they wore black masks and black capes.

Since you askededededed;
Man, oh man, between our sports stars parents and our elected officials, am I the only one not living in San Diego for free?

Like it or not, and we do, a few people here at A.l.B.B. productions have a weakness for the grape in its fermented form. This is also known in some circles as imbibing too much wine. Sometimes this can lead to slight over-indulgence. When this rare event does occur, there are some steps to reduce and or end the residual symptoms.

A: Prevention is the first step. But you’ve already blown that, haven’t you, you son of a Bacchus? Drink fluids, preferably a sports drink like Propel or Gatorade, when retiring and take a vitamin supplement. And some aspirin.

You wake up and you think you have dodged a bullet, don’t you. Not so fast, Chester. Wait until you see how you feel when you get up and walk around. See? You’re not so bullet proof after all, are you?

B: Original size Jamba juice. Yes, they’ve been parodied on “SNL” but do you want to feel better or not? It hydrates you as well as giving you the electrolytes your body is missing. Here is a little secret. That dull headache you have is the same headache in reverse of a brain freeze. So if you drink the Jamba juice real fast the brain freeze cools off the headache.

C: Nap. This is the hardest for me because I don’t have the time, and I seem to have lost the ability. But if you can squeeze in at least 30 minutes, you will feel much, much better. Lack of R.E.M. sleep is one of the worst symptoms of too much booze.

D: Hard and vigorous exercise. The best is a hard swim. The cold water works wonders, especially in the Ocean. If you get a heavy sweat going for at least a half an hour of exercise – sauna and steam rooms work so-so, but exercise is key - you will have come as close as you can to being cured. Be sure to hydrate well afterwards.  

E: Rub a Labrador Retriever’s tummy. It won’t help your hangover, but at least someone will feel better.

It is hard out here

The dust that Pancho bit down South ended up in Lefty’s mouth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not to be confused
“Silent Hill” debuted at number one at the box office this weekend. “Silent Hill” is a horror movie based on a video game. “Silent Hill” is not where the cowboys go after “Brokeback Mountain.”

Who knew?
Osama bin Laden has a new video tape where he criticized the Sudan, Israel, the West and, oddly enough, “Basic Instinct 2.”

Pay per view
Sports Illustrates swimsuit model May Andersen was arrested in Miami after striking a flight attendant on a flight from Amsterdam. Anderson is out on bail and will star with Naomi Campbell in the WWF Super Model Death cage match.

Saw this one coming
In Oregon a man complaining of a headache had 12 nails removed from his head from a failed suicide attempt with a nail gun. The guy shot 12 nails into his head and he’s fine. That is the most anyone has been nailed since, well, Paris Hilton.

They hate that
An Online study came up with the ten most irritating things guys do to women during sex. The most irritating thing guys can do to a woman during sex? Walking in on her when she’s having it.

Sort of like that
They’ve turned President Bush’s boyhood Texas home into a museum; that’s like turning Bill Clinton’s boyhood home into a monastery.

A warning sign
A 76-year-old Florida man was arrested for posing as a doctor giving free door-to-door breast exams; a woman became suspicious when he also offered her a free prostate exam.

That’s when you know you need a new healthcare plan, when the idea of a cheap exam from an old perverted stranger doesn’t sound all that bad.

So mean to the TomKat
Tom Cruise said the birth of his and Katie Holmes’s baby girl was indescribable; well of course it was indescribable, it’s the first time Cruise has ever seen female genitalia.

Indescribable, just like the identity of the real father.

Iran announced they will proceed with nuclear development in direct defiance to President Bush; to which, Saddam Hussein replied, “Dudes, are you like totally high?”

Lenny Krapitz
For the third time, Lenny Kravitz is being sued by his downstairs neighbor for his Soho loft’s toilet overflowing. This brings a nasty answer to Lenny’s musical question; “Are you gonna go my way?”

What are the odds?
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are in an ugly custody battle including death threats and allegations of underage pornography; wouldn’t it be amazing if the most normal family in Hollywood ends up being Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds finally hit his first home run fifteen games into the season. Bonds was so excited, his steroid-induced tail started wagging.

Good idea, wait, no
It now costs the mint more than a penny to make a penny. It was awkward, when they told President Bush that it costs more than a penny to make a penny, he suggested they should make two at a time.

Since you asked:
Can you believe Vito is a Fanook? Not that it makes him a bad guy, he just didn’t seem the type.

Anyway, twenty years ago, if somebody told me I would be raving about my $44 dollar beach sandals, I would have said;

“Forget about sandals, check out that woman’s butt.”

Not that I would have spent that, I got these Reefs as a present, but oh my word. Amazing. Hell, they even have a bottle opener on the bottom. These are now my mandatory-to-have-with-me-wherever-I-go items:

iPod and my book-sized portable iPod speakers that can rock an entire big room.

Faded semi-loose-fitting blue jeans

My new awesome Reef sandals

Faded blue Territory Ahead cotton t-shirt

Harmonica box or at least harps in keys of A, Bb, C, D, F.

Ironman Timex watch.


Nike Running Shoes and Under Armor baggy running shorts

Most recent “Sports Illustrated”


Computer access, so I guess I need to get a frickin’ laptop, dammit.

Most recent book. (Right now I am dragging my feet on finishing “Life with Marley” because I don’t want to get all weepy when Marley goes to his well-deserved reward)

Cool waiter-type wine opener I got in Santa Barbara.

Timberline hiking boots, running shoes, black loafers

Royal blue button-down shirt, white, pinpoint cotton, button-down shirt, one Izod-type shirt.

Black slacks and Khaki shorts

Wallet with stuff, pictures of wife, kid, dog, etc.

Of course there are the usual Dop kit items that everyone needs including electric toothbrush, sunscreen, dental floss and Schick Mach 3 razor. (No reasonable person needs more than three blades on the razor) And possibly a bottle of soapy, clean smelling cologne, like Eternity. And Tums antacids. Yes, it has come to that.

Now my buddy Mark Snake would have me add golf clubs and if I do that I will also add a bike.

Anything more than that is just for show.      

What am I leaving out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

So now you’re asking; Lex, Lex, Lex, what was the secret of those amazing burgers Friday nicht?

Well, I won’t go into all the deets, but the key is the shape of the patty. Not too big and with an indent on the top so when they plump out, they are still hamburger shape and not baseball shaped. (That is why you see the notorious hamburger killing weekend warrior chefs destroy burgers by smooshing the juices out with the spatula when they start to flatten them when they do plump) Then drizzle A1 sauce on the top and let them sit. Before you put them on, liberal amounts of granulated garlic powder, Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper.

Then cook high and short. High temperature, no longer than eight minutes - or a dash longer - total. It sears the juicy stuff in. So fast, in fact, you want to put your red onion slices drizzled in EVFCPOO when you put the burgers on. (Extra Virgin, First Cold Press, Olive Oil, but you knew that)

Buns, condiments, bacon, all the other stuff are personal preferences. Unless you are eating my burgers than you will have them the way I make them, with crispy bacon, melted Monterey Jack, leafy lettuce, thinly sliced tomatoes, and a larger than usual Sesame seed bun with mayo and ketchup. And the grilled onions, of course. Oh, and always, always, always toast the buns just long enough to get the grill marks underneath, (while the burgers are off and resting) no longer or you will only be tasting charred bread.

Or you will get nothing and like it, Spalding.

Tonight? Grilled Mahi Mahi flour tortilla tacos with fresh Mango salsa. And Ranch beans.

Bob is your frickin’ Uncle.