Saturday, April 29, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna drop it like it’s hotter than a pistizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ahh, no
Experts predict that, someday, people will be able to have sex with their computer; to which millions of guys are asking; “You mean you can’t do that now?”

“Oh my god, Larry, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m using that new computer sex program.”

“Yeah, but that’s the ugliest computer I have ever seen.”

Experts predict that, someday, people will be able to have sex with their computer; And in Montana they will even make the computers look like sheep.

Exxon announced a first quarter profit of $8 billion dollars. Gosh, I guess that motivational speaker they hired four months ago really worked.

And then she wept
On “American Idol” the bald guy, Chris Daughtry, is the favorite to win. Chris is such a favorite that Paula Abdul is already preparing to mumble a denial that she is sleeping with him.

Pays off
Exxon announced a record $8 billion in first quarter profits; how did they do that when we know they say oil prices are fair? Must be all the money they save buying in bulk at Office Depot.

Not good
Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and she is dating David Spade. Dating David Spade is the Hollywood equivalent of throwing out all of the husbands clothes on the lawn and driving over his golf clubs.

Have you seen the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi video? An ugly guy spewing hatred without even looking at the camera. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen on film that didn’t include Ben Affleck or Madonna.

Hate for that to happen
Experts are beginning to worry that, if the problems in Iraq do not get better, we may reach a point where attention is diverted from where it belongs: the birth of Angelina and Brad’s baby. Oh, and that finding Osama-thing is big too.

Not smart
“Sports Illustrated” revealed that Texas quarterback Vince Young only scored 15 out of 50 on an IQ test where one of the questions is: if a pad of paper costs 21 cents, how much would four pads cost? Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Heck, even I know four times 21 is 100.”

It could happen
A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. President Bush said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. And, who knows? One of these days President Bush may even give a speech in English.

A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. President Bush said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. After all, Bush has a difficult enough time trying to understand the English version. What the heck are them there ramparts anyway?

A Spanish version of the Star Spangled banner is causing a stir. Many, including President Bush, said the National Anthem should only be sung in English. Arnold Schwarzenegger also had an opinion on the Spanish Star Spangled banner, but nobody could understand what the hell he said.

(Side note: Leno had a joke: “Isn’t it enough that it already starts with “Jose can you see?” How the hell did I miss that one?)

I knew it sounded familiar
A Senate panel suggested that FEMA should be closed. The Senate suggested that everyone at FEMA should shut down and stop working. Just like they did during hurricane Katrina.

Bad choice
“Sports Illustrated” listed San Diego Charger Ryan Leaf as the all time worst draft pick in the NFL. To show how bad Ryan Leaf was, if the Houston Texans used their first pick to take Ryan Seacrest, he would be the second worst draft pick named Ryan.

Since you asked, Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant Style:
Let me reiterate – in case I didn’t iterate the first time – if there is anything better on a Friday night than playing harmonica with a rockin’ band at a cozy local bar/dive, I sure as hell don’t know what it is. (Sure, there are those who will go with a drunken hot tub party with naked super models with incredibly low esteem, but . . .)

This night was the Railheads at the Mira Mesa Inn. At about Six that night I was thinking of cancelling as my back was killing me and I was tired like an old man. Ahh, but the adrenaline rush of rock is a heady cure-all, my friends. By the second set I felt great. And a couple of beers didn't hurt neither ways.

Besides some earlier technical difficulties that resulted in feedback that would knock over a moose, the first set went pretty well and it really took off from there. We had several guest appearances including a lead saucy female singer for a biker bar band named Stevie, who took over on “Mustang Sally” and ruffled the feathers of the guy who sings that – she didn’t ask, she would just walk up and started singing – but since she did a good job, everyone ended up being fine with it. The guys in this band are really good guys.

And the hot blonde Aussie bartender with the Harley butt tattoo and the eyebrow piercing scar (It’s clear from the clean scar it had been ripped out, but it works for her) Emma, did a rollicking “Proud Mary”

But the best was this kind of quiet bookish looking dude who pointed to a red Fender Stratocaster in its guitar stand during a break and asked if he could sit in. It not being my call, plus I was leery anyway, the guy didn't look like a Jimi, I directed him to Bill, the founder and leader of the band and the owner of the guitar, and he was fine with it.

Well, this guy jumped in and rocked on the Allman Brothers “Stormy Monday.” We invited him up later on “Pride and Joy” and my blatant rip off blues jam of Little Walter’s “Juke.” Steve, the guest guitarist, and I did a fun back and forth and then a duet jam, ala Fender and Walsh – if I may take many liberties – in the end of “Hotel California.”

Did a couple of jokes in between songs. One killed, one fell like it went quail hunting with Dick Cheney. After we did Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” a few people starting chanting “Freebird, Freebird.” So I took the mike and egged them on in my dead-on Ronnie Van Zandt;

“Which song is it you wanna’ heahhhh?” When they screamed like banshees;

“Freebird!!!!” I said, still in the Van Zandt drawl;

“That’s too bad, ‘cause we don’t play it.”

You had to be there. It was funny. It was like the time last July when we played at a block party in Point Loma; the sun was setting over the tall palm trees in the park above the beach and it looked just like the cover of “Hotel California” minus the Beverly Hills Hotel. When I pointed this out to the crowd and then asked wouldn’t it be perfect to hear “Hotel California”? They went nuts. Then I said;

“Well then we’ll have to learn how to play that some time.”

Again, trust me, you had to be there but this is killer stuff. Oh my.

We played until midnight including two encores. Really, they wouldn’t let us leave, which is always a good sign. It was a great crowd. A lot of friends and family of the band, and some loyal followers of the band and then the bar regulars who are, um, interesting. Overheard one guy with a tank top, hair net and lots of tats saying;

“Yeah, they let me out to go to their funerals, but I gotta go back in the slammer tomorrow.”

Alrighty then. Don’t shoot me, I’m only the harmonica player.