Thursday, April 27, 2006

It is hard out here

We keepin’ the deal real to the feel, McNeal and Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers

Experts predict that people will soon be able to have sex with their computer; this is not good news for Apple computer. No guy wants to admit he had sex with a Mac.

Speaking for guys, whoever writes the computer sex program, please, please do not call it software.

Idol Feud
Ryan Seacrest revealed he and Paula Abdul do not speak; it goes back to when they fought over who got to sleep with Clay Aiken.

That hardly covers it
To counteract the bad publicity, oil companies are publishing an explanation of where your dollar goes when you buy gas. And after they explain where your dollar goes, they’ll explain what happens to the rest of the nine tenths of a gallon of gas.

He is not worthy
Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and now she is dating David Spade. Wow, she must be really furious at Richey. Dating David Spade? Did Heather catch Richey with her sister?

Heather Locklear is divorcing Richey Sambora and now she is dating David Spade. Boy. I’ve heard of women getting even, but dating David Spade? Wow. What the heck did Richey do to deserve that?

Heather Locklear is dating David Spade. Apparently Gilbert Gottfried and Pauly Shore were busy.

That damn press
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay blamed Enron’s bankruptcy on the press. Boy, it’s not enough that the press lies, now they are sneaking into offices and cooking the books, inflating prices, gouging consumers while lying to investors. The press must be stopped.  

Oprah is fuming
A 19-year-old girl, Kaavya Viswanathan, sold a best seller before attending Harvard, now she admits she plagiarized. That’s not the worst of it. The part she stole came from James Frey’s lie-filled biography, “A Million Little Pieces”. Oprah is going to be furious.  

Right woman for the job
The congresswoman charged with slapping a Capital policeman, Cynthia McKinney, was recorded swearing and calling her aide a fool off camera. She hit a cop, then she lied about it, and now she’s caught swearing and insulting an aide. Is this woman qualified for congress or what?

That’s a string of public stupidity and bad publicity that would impress Courtney Love and Bobby Brown.

Babs is pissed and what else is new?
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is” And if there is one way discredit a book that claims you are difficult, it is to lash out in rage at it.

Singing a new tune
Venezuelan researchers have found a way to make beans flatulent free; this is good news to everyone but the person who owns the rights to the song; “Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit.”

Prom night
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. So many girls were pregnant, the theme of their prom was “A Night in Paris . . . Hilton.”

That or Sponge Bob Square Pants with Tinky Winky
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is.” The book implies that Streisand had sex with Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton and Barbra Streisand having sex? That has to be Rev. Jerry Falwell’s worst nightmare.

Babs is back
Barbra Streisand is furious about an unflattering biography, “Barbra: The Way She Is.” Barbra is so upset about the book labeling her as wildly promiscuous, moody and difficult, that she slapped four lovers and fired five personal assistants before she calmed down.  

Easier solution
A man in Oregon had 12 nails taken out of his head. Jeeze pal, next time just buy a hat that fits.

Child abuse
Kevin Federline said he likes to play his rap album to his seven month old son, Preston. That explains how the kid hit his head, he didn’t fall, he jumped out of the high chair to get away from the horrible noise.

When Britney told her seven-month-old son, Preston, that she was pregnant, he was so shocked he almost drove off the road.

Just like them
Miami running back Ricky Williams has been suspended for one year for failing his fourth drug test. So for all next season, Williams will be out of the NFL, sort of like the Houston Texans.

Tough choice
Experts say the latest Osama bin Laden video tape reveal that he is losing power; that means that either Osama or Kellie Pickler will be the next one to go from “American Idol.”