Friday, April 28, 2006

It is hard out here

Strap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bird talk
A UCSD researcher says that birds can recognize aspects of Grammar. For example, a quail can say to another quail, “There’s Dick Cheney. Quick, fly behind the old lawyer.”

Among other things
Experts predict that people will soon be able to have sex with their computer; this will bring an entire new meaning to the term getting Google’d.

Bad dog
Snoop Dog got arrested after getting in a fight at London’s Heathrow airport. Well, not a fight, really, but Snoop Dog did try to hump a security officer’s leg.

It was serious, they booked Snoop Dog and threw him in the pound.

Not long
Barry Bonds hit his 711th home run and is three behind Babe Ruth. At this rate, Bonds could break Babe Ruth’s record before his skull grows another hat size.

That must be it
Exxon announced a record $8 billion in first quarter profits; wow, I wonder how they did that? It must be because of all the money Exxon is saving on office supplies at Staples.

Exxon announced record $8 billion in first quarter profits; that puts some serious pressure on the Exxon company picnic this year. “What do you mean we can’t afford both a Jumpy and a balloon animal making clown? We made $8 billion in one quarter.”

Now that’s cute
Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” Kellie is so perky, cute and vivacious, for one minute even Ryan Seacrest thought of making a pass at her.

Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” Kellie is so perky and vivacious, Paula Abdul had to double her tranquilizers just to deal with her.

Crowd favorite Kellie Pickler got voted off of “American Idol.” It got emotional when Paula Abdul slurred goodbye to Kellie.

A sure sign
It is looking more like the winner of “American Idol” will be the bald guy, Chris Daughtry. Daughtry is such a favorite that Paula Abdul has already prepared to slur out a statement denying she slept with him.

Duke getting’ they freak on
In investigating the Duke Lacrosse rape case, authorities are shocked to discover widespread incidents of drinking and promiscuity on the elite Duke campus. Shocked? Really? In college I had a double major in Drinking and Promiscuity with a minor in Flatulent Humor.

Or “Everybody Loves Aging”
Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger may star in a sitcom. I think it’s called “Will and Not aging with Grace.”