Tuesday, April 25, 2006

It is hard out here

The dust that Pancho bit down South ended up in Lefty’s mouth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not to be confused
“Silent Hill” debuted at number one at the box office this weekend. “Silent Hill” is a horror movie based on a video game. “Silent Hill” is not where the cowboys go after “Brokeback Mountain.”

Who knew?
Osama bin Laden has a new video tape where he criticized the Sudan, Israel, the West and, oddly enough, “Basic Instinct 2.”

Pay per view
Sports Illustrates swimsuit model May Andersen was arrested in Miami after striking a flight attendant on a flight from Amsterdam. Anderson is out on bail and will star with Naomi Campbell in the WWF Super Model Death cage match.

Saw this one coming
In Oregon a man complaining of a headache had 12 nails removed from his head from a failed suicide attempt with a nail gun. The guy shot 12 nails into his head and he’s fine. That is the most anyone has been nailed since, well, Paris Hilton.

They hate that
An Online study came up with the ten most irritating things guys do to women during sex. The most irritating thing guys can do to a woman during sex? Walking in on her when she’s having it.

Sort of like that
They’ve turned President Bush’s boyhood Texas home into a museum; that’s like turning Bill Clinton’s boyhood home into a monastery.

A warning sign
A 76-year-old Florida man was arrested for posing as a doctor giving free door-to-door breast exams; a woman became suspicious when he also offered her a free prostate exam.

That’s when you know you need a new healthcare plan, when the idea of a cheap exam from an old perverted stranger doesn’t sound all that bad.

So mean to the TomKat
Tom Cruise said the birth of his and Katie Holmes’s baby girl was indescribable; well of course it was indescribable, it’s the first time Cruise has ever seen female genitalia.

Indescribable, just like the identity of the real father.

Iran announced they will proceed with nuclear development in direct defiance to President Bush; to which, Saddam Hussein replied, “Dudes, are you like totally high?”

Lenny Krapitz
For the third time, Lenny Kravitz is being sued by his downstairs neighbor for his Soho loft’s toilet overflowing. This brings a nasty answer to Lenny’s musical question; “Are you gonna go my way?”

What are the odds?
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are in an ugly custody battle including death threats and allegations of underage pornography; wouldn’t it be amazing if the most normal family in Hollywood ends up being Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds finally hit his first home run fifteen games into the season. Bonds was so excited, his steroid-induced tail started wagging.

Good idea, wait, no
It now costs the mint more than a penny to make a penny. It was awkward, when they told President Bush that it costs more than a penny to make a penny, he suggested they should make two at a time.

Since you asked:
Can you believe Vito is a Fanook? Not that it makes him a bad guy, he just didn’t seem the type.

Anyway, twenty years ago, if somebody told me I would be raving about my $44 dollar beach sandals, I would have said;

“Forget about sandals, check out that woman’s butt.”

Not that I would have spent that, I got these Reefs as a present, but oh my word. Amazing. Hell, they even have a bottle opener on the bottom. These are now my mandatory-to-have-with-me-wherever-I-go items:

iPod and my book-sized portable iPod speakers that can rock an entire big room.

Faded semi-loose-fitting blue jeans

My new awesome Reef sandals

Faded blue Territory Ahead cotton t-shirt

Harmonica box or at least harps in keys of A, Bb, C, D, F.

Ironman Timex watch.


Nike Running Shoes and Under Armor baggy running shorts

Most recent “Sports Illustrated”


Computer access, so I guess I need to get a frickin’ laptop, dammit.

Most recent book. (Right now I am dragging my feet on finishing “Life with Marley” because I don’t want to get all weepy when Marley goes to his well-deserved reward)

Cool waiter-type wine opener I got in Santa Barbara.

Timberline hiking boots, running shoes, black loafers

Royal blue button-down shirt, white, pinpoint cotton, button-down shirt, one Izod-type shirt.

Black slacks and Khaki shorts

Wallet with stuff, pictures of wife, kid, dog, etc.

Of course there are the usual Dop kit items that everyone needs including electric toothbrush, sunscreen, dental floss and Schick Mach 3 razor. (No reasonable person needs more than three blades on the razor) And possibly a bottle of soapy, clean smelling cologne, like Eternity. And Tums antacids. Yes, it has come to that.

Now my buddy Mark Snake would have me add golf clubs and if I do that I will also add a bike.

Anything more than that is just for show.      

What am I leaving out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


So now you’re asking; Lex, Lex, Lex, what was the secret of those amazing burgers Friday nicht?

Well, I won’t go into all the deets, but the key is the shape of the patty. Not too big and with an indent on the top so when they plump out, they are still hamburger shape and not baseball shaped. (That is why you see the notorious hamburger killing weekend warrior chefs destroy burgers by smooshing the juices out with the spatula when they start to flatten them when they do plump) Then drizzle A1 sauce on the top and let them sit. Before you put them on, liberal amounts of granulated garlic powder, Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper.

Then cook high and short. High temperature, no longer than eight minutes - or a dash longer - total. It sears the juicy stuff in. So fast, in fact, you want to put your red onion slices drizzled in EVFCPOO when you put the burgers on. (Extra Virgin, First Cold Press, Olive Oil, but you knew that)

Buns, condiments, bacon, all the other stuff are personal preferences. Unless you are eating my burgers than you will have them the way I make them, with crispy bacon, melted Monterey Jack, leafy lettuce, thinly sliced tomatoes, and a larger than usual Sesame seed bun with mayo and ketchup. And the grilled onions, of course. Oh, and always, always, always toast the buns just long enough to get the grill marks underneath, (while the burgers are off and resting) no longer or you will only be tasting charred bread.

Or you will get nothing and like it, Spalding.

Tonight? Grilled Mahi Mahi flour tortilla tacos with fresh Mango salsa. And Ranch beans.

Bob is your frickin’ Uncle.