Saturday, April 15, 2006

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant:

If there is anything better to do on a Friday night than playing harmonica with a rocking band at a great local bar, I sure as crap don’t know what it is.

The Leucadian is an old school neighborhood pub/tavern nestled in the Eucalyptus trees off the 101 in the beachie side of Encinitas. You could say it is a dive, but that sounds too pejorative. This place has the sound of pool balls clacking, the smell of spilt beer and perfume all wafting together in a dimly neon lit warm atmosphere with friendly locals.

The lead singer, my pal, Quite Talking James or James Johnson, a regular caller to the radio station I write for, Dave Shelly and Chainsaw, invited me to sit in – after I asked – and he did a great job with amazing range as one would need for someone who sang everything from the Stones to Eagles to Skynnard to Beatles. QTJ is genuinely a really good lead singer.  

The band Redhanded was a great collection of young guys and Veteran local rockers and they rocked from beginning to end. The crowd was pretty mixed to fairly young and they danced all night. The quotient of unreasonably hot women was high. They brought me up on harmonica on the Stones “Honky Tonk Woman” and we killed, if I must say. Then in the next set we killed again on the Stones “Brown Sugar.”

A band’s worst nightmare is letting some Jamoke they’ve never played with before sit in but they couldn’t have been cooler and it worked very well, if I do say so myself. Redhanded has two killer guitar players, a young rockin’ drummer, a very talented bass player who can play lead – which is rare – a really good keyboard/vocalist/harmonica player and a rockin’ dude lead singer – in the person of one QTJ- as well as a smoking hot female lead singer.

It is hard out here

Why we got to go and start a ruckus all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Not good
The bad news? Iran announced they have enriched uranium; the worse news? President Bush thinks enriched uranium is a breakfast cereal.

Don’t forget General Principles
More Generals are demanding that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resign including General Mills, General Motors and even General Admission.

President Bush announced that besieged Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has his full support; which of course means that Rumsfeld is hopelessly screwed.

Getting late
If you haven’t done your taxes yet, here are your options: you can file for an extension, you can try and call H & R Block, or you can go out to dinner with Robert Blake.

He wants to keep those
To help get out of debt, Michael Jackson is selling some of his Beatles catalog; except for “This Boy” “Little Child” and “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide But Me and My Monkey” Michael can bare to part with them.

Another option
If you haven’t done your taxes yet, here are your options: you can file for an extension, you can try and call H & R Block, or you can go quail hunting with Dick Cheney.

That would do it
A 30-year-old Alabama high school teacher had sex with four of her students and plotted with one of them to kill her husband. If she really wanted to kill her husband she could have made him have sex with her as much as four high school boys.

Not nice
An article in “Sports Illustrated” revealed that Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant has as low a Q rating (which measures celebrity likeability) as Robert Blake. Well sure, at least Robert Blake takes his women out to dinner before he attacks them, Kobe has them deliver his food first.  

An article in “Sports Illustrated” revealed that Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant has a really low Q rating, which measures celebrity likeability. That’s especially bad when you consider Kobe’s poor rating includes the jeweler who sold him a four million dollar diamond ring.

Republicans are serious about trying to get rid of the 12 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. In fact, they are so serious about getting rid of them they are considering putting the illegal immigrants on a show on NBC.

Sounds about right
The NBA playoffs begin in less than a week, or as the New York Knicks call this time of year, April.

Friday, April 14, 2006

It is hard out here

We got the insane rain up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Extensive work done
Tori Spelling is getting divorced. Tori’s ex said Tori isn’t the same woman he married. No, seriously, because of all of Tori’s plastic surgery, she is not the same woman he married.

Tori Spelling is getting divorced so she can marry the guy she is currently engaged to. In Hollywood this is called Multi tasking.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The president of Iran says they have enriched uranium; upon hearing Iran has enriched uranium, President Bush replied, “Oh yeah? Well my Count Chocula is vitamin fortified.”

Saw this one coming
At the Washington Nationals game, Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch, it was embarrassing, Cheney missed the catcher and accidentally hit an old lawyer.

When Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game, he was loudly booed; in fact, Cheney was booed so loudly the New York Knicks signed him to a three year deal.  

For a change
Three military experts have publicly agreed the war in Iraq is a mistake; and this time the three military experts aren’t the Dixie Chicks.

Three retired Generals have agreed publicly that the Iraq war is a mistake; it took a few years, but the three Generals finally came around to have the same opinion as our top military experts: Madonna, Barbra Streisand and Jane Fonda.  

Now four retired Generals are calling for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation; and I think the White House is getting the message. Today Dick Cheney invited Rumsfeld to go quail shooting.  

Ugly divorce
David Hasselhof and his wife are embroiled in an ugly divorce; they can’t agree on who gets custody of Hasselhof’s Germans.  

Thursday, April 13, 2006

It is hard out here

I got to leave here runnin’ ‘cause walkin’ most too slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
I don’t want to say Iran is in trouble for defying the U.S. by declaring they have the ability to make nuclear power, but did you see the seven day forecast for Iran? Four days.    

So mean
It is Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles one year anniversary; that is the paper anniversary which is appropriate because Camilla just got all her papers from the Vet.

Nice change
Did you see “American Idol”? They sang songs from the band Queen; it was nice having some Queen on “American Idol” besides Ryan Seaquest.  

Following the theme
An Indian director wants Paris Hilton to play the lead role in a movie about Mother Teresa. And he wants President Bush to play Albert Einstein.

A sure sign
To raise money for AIDS, Elton John is emptying his closets and selling 10,000 coats suits and sweaters. That’s when you know someone is gay, when even their closet comes out of the closet.

Again, not good
The reviews are in for “Lucky Number Slevin.” It slucks.

A girl can dream
The owner of Harrods in London is going to put a luxury hotel room atop an oil rig; this has to be Paris Hilton’s wildest dream: a hotel room on top of a lubricant producer.

And the plan is working
Dominoes is making a pizza 30% bigger than extra large. Its part of Dominos plan to make the rest of the world hate us even more.

Say it ain’t so
The I.R.S. says that it will not contact you through e-mails and that e-mails claiming to be from the I.R.S. are a scam. Oh great, next thing they’ll say those penis enlargement drugs don’t work.

Gosh, I wonder how they figured out that those phony e-mails claiming to be from the IRS are a fake? You don’t suppose because they are written in Russian, do you?

So long
The illegal immigrant protesting is still going on. To show how much an impact this is having, now there is a two hour wait when you order your Wal Mart sushi.  

Say it ain’t so, 2
The illegal immigrant protests are having a big impact in California; today in Beverly Hills there was a rumor going around that a mother actually had to make her kid’s lunch.

Not valid
Did you hear they discovered the 1,700 year-old Gospel of Judas? Now they aren’t sure if it is real. For example it ends with “I am Judas and I approve this message.”

Now they’re not sure if it is real. For example, it includes the phrase “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”

She had them done
Fashion experts are saying hip bones are the new cleavage. It won’t be long until we hear women say; “Oh, those hip bones aren’t real.”

Hate for that to happen
Child welfare officials visited Britney Spears and Kevin Federline because their baby hit his head. The baby is fine, but if he hits his head again he might try to put out a rap album.

Again, so mean
Katie Couric is moving to CBS. CBS is hoping that Katie’s perfume will help cut the “Sixty Minutes” old man smell.

What is with the epidemic of pregnancies in Hollywood? Gwenyth Paltrow just had a baby, Angelina Jolie, Brook Shield, Katie Holmes are all pregnant. It’s unbelievable. You know who else is pregnant? Clay Aiken.

How cheap are they?
The Florida Marlins lost to the San Diego Padres 9-3. Did you know that the entire Marlins payroll is only $15 million? There are five players on the New York Yankees who make more than the Marlins entire payroll. The Marlins are cheap:

The Marlins are so cheap instead of steroids, players inject Flintstone chewable vitamins into their asses.

The Marlins are so cheap they use the vendor’s old hot dog water to fill up the club house whirl pool

The Marlins are so cheap the batters all share the same cup.

The Marlins are so cheap the pine tar for their bats has been replaced with spit out chewing tobacco.

The Marlins are so cheap one post game meal consisted of things stolen from fat Yankees Pitcher David Wells’s locker.

The Marlins are so cheap t\his week they are the Marlins. Next week they are the Louie’s Bail Bonds.

The Marlins are so cheap, today’s lineup card? Tomorrows club house toilet paper.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna throw down in the home town, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So far this season, San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds is only batting .167 with no home runs. To show how bad that is, Bonds’s slugging percentage is shrinking faster than his testicles.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush’s approval rating in California is the lowest since Nixon’s in 1974; Upon hearing this, President Bush scoffed; “That’s silly, I wasn’t even president in 1974.”

That should do it
Selected Wal Marts are now offering Sushi. You can get Sushi at Wal Mart. Well, this should put the ill back in illegal immigrants.

Paid for by nobody for Alex Kaseberg
Actor Alec Baldwin said he was willing to give up sex for a month to see a democratic president elected. Unless Dennis Kucinich gets elected and then we’re all screwed.  I’m Alex Kaseberg
and I approve this joke.

Scientists are creating a plane that can go from New York to Los Angeles in half an hour, so with the time change, you can arrive in LA two and a half hours earlier then when you left New York, upon hearing this, President Bush said, “Oh my goodness, they’ve invented a time machine.”

That explains it
At the Kentucky Derby you will be able to buy a mint julep for $1,000; it sounds expensive, but apparently it’s made out of gasoline.

So there
A survey claims that Americans are angrier and swearing more than ever; personally, I’d like to take whoever did that survey and kick his damn ass.

A big day for Hashie
The President of Iran, Hashemi Rafsanjani, said Iran is capable of making nuclear fuel; in addition, Rafsanjani proudly announced he was a finalist in the Ringo Starr look-alike contest.

Dominoes is making a pizza 30% bigger than extra large. It’s called the “Get a pizza as big as your fat ass” special.

Sounds familiar
Did you see “The Sopranos” Tony Soprano gets worried that his mob thinks he is gone weak so Tony picks out a guy and beats him up for no reason; the episode is called; “Tony Mimics Bush’s Iraq Strategy.”

Since you asked:
I have this theory that Sienna Miller and Nicky Hilton and Naomi Watts and Nicole Richey and the Olsen twins and about ten other skinny blonde celebrities are all really the same person.  

There is more than the usual amount of hypocrisy to go around on this immigration bill and the resultant protests. First you have the people protesting the fact that what they are currently doing illegally might be enforced and you have the conservatives crying the hackneyed “What is it about the word illegal that they don’t understand?” while their kitchen remodel is being completed by undocumented workers.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh yes, we all of that and then some more of all of that, and a little bit on the side, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sounds like Cheney
Mastercard is running a commercial writing contest on I think Dick Cheney entered:

Bird Shot shells, $20

New Hunting jacket $110

Italian hand made shot gun $2,000

Shooting a lawyer and getting away with it? Priceless.

Since you asked:

As I may have mentioned, every day for our younger lab, Wrigley, is akin to “Groundhog Day.” Eats the same thing at the same time, has the exact same routine. But rather than being bored, Wrigley acts as if he won the lottery every day. He is so ecstatic to get up and get fed it almost breaks your heart – feeling sorry for yourself.

Part of our morning routine is that I sit with Wrigley for a little bit at the top of the stairs and rub his chest and his back – he is a shameless butt rubbing loving dog – and play, coo and wrestle with him. And then I say OK, and he bounds downstairs all hunkered down and scampering, all elbows and something else the Marines say.

One morning I was in a big hurry and decided to skip the cuddling and butt rubbing phase and just hurry up and feed him. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, he wasn’t there. He was standing at the top of the stairs with the most amazing expression of shock and genuinely hurt feelings you have ever seen a dog have: tail drooped, ears hanging. I had to walk back up and commence with the petting to cheer him up.

When Wrigley first bounded down the stairs he hit the hardwood floor and would try to stop always ending in much frantic paw skating and then a spectacular wipe out. He finally learned to run past the hardwood onto the oriental carpet under the dinning room table. There he had traction where he pulls a 180 degree about face for his food bowl.

The other day the carpet was gone due to our preparing for a remodel. Wrigley hit the floor running and when he got to where the carpet should have been he hit the brakes in a flurry of Wiley Coyote-like blurry scampering to try and stop only to slide steadily right smack into the wall. He was fine. On the other hand, I think I pulled an abdomen muscle from laughing.

It is hard out here

It gonna go like that up in this here locizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad “Brokeback” joke #789
Sunday’s “The Sopranos” features a mob guy in a gay kiss. I think the episode was titled “Brokeback Kneecaps.”

Green Obscene
Phil Mickelson won the Masters. As a result, Phil won the Masters bright green jacket, the ugliest garment in sports outside of Sumo wrestling.

Wearing the coveted Masters jacket says you are a champion, you are elite, you are special and you are wearing a coat that was obviously purchased by a club run by old rich white men.  

Phil Mickelson won the Masters. As a result, Phil won the Masters bright green jacket that comes complete with old man smell.

Putting the B.O. in Bonds
Through the first six games of the season, San Francisco Giants’ Barry Bonds has no home runs and is only hitting .167.  It might be time for Barry to start taking more of those steroids he didn’t know he was taking.

No way out
A man jumped the White House fence and made it several yards before being captured. He could have gotten away but, like everyone else near the White House, he didn’t have an exit strategy either.

Working hard
In Delaware, a 34-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old student 28 times in one week; 28 times in one week? I hope she gave the kid credit for extra curricular activity.

French President Jacques Chirac gave in to demands of angry mobs by scrapping a labor law. In news equally shocking as the French caving in, a Palestinian threw a rock.

We’re saying the thing is ugly
At the Masters, contender Rocco Mediate had a great shot that hit the pin costing him two strokes and then he had two-shots-in-the water for a 10 on the 12th hole to take him out of it. No golfer has ever gone from looking so good to so bad so fast without putting on a green Masters jacket.  

Quite a drop
In “FHM”’s magazine top 100 sexiest women list, Britney Spears fell from #3 last year to totally off the list this year. That’s fastest drop since Jessica Simpson dressed up as Camilla Parker Bowles for Halloween.    

So romantic
It is Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles one year anniversary; they celebrated by taking a romantic carriage ride, he drove, she pulled.

It’s good to be the Hef
Hugh Hefner turned 80 yesterday. Hef made a wish, closed his eyes, blew out his candles and, bam, his wish came true, he was Hugh Hefner.

They celebrated as always at the Playboy mansion, they played pin the tail on the tail.

Hef is in great health, he is rich and he lives surrounded by adoring Playmates, what could he possibly wish for on his birthday?  “Oh please, just once let me dig ditches all day.”

Once again, that is one ugly jacket
Without a doubt, the Masters green jacket is the ugliest garment in sports unless you count t-shirts with New York Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson’s picture on the front.

Makes as much sense
Illegal immigrants continue to protest the proposed crack down on illegal immigrants. And today, thousands of burglars marched in protest of a proposed crack down on robbery.