Thursday, April 13, 2006

It is hard out here

I got to leave here runnin’ ‘cause walkin’ most too slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
I don’t want to say Iran is in trouble for defying the U.S. by declaring they have the ability to make nuclear power, but did you see the seven day forecast for Iran? Four days.    

So mean
It is Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles one year anniversary; that is the paper anniversary which is appropriate because Camilla just got all her papers from the Vet.

Nice change
Did you see “American Idol”? They sang songs from the band Queen; it was nice having some Queen on “American Idol” besides Ryan Seaquest.  

Following the theme
An Indian director wants Paris Hilton to play the lead role in a movie about Mother Teresa. And he wants President Bush to play Albert Einstein.

A sure sign
To raise money for AIDS, Elton John is emptying his closets and selling 10,000 coats suits and sweaters. That’s when you know someone is gay, when even their closet comes out of the closet.

Again, not good
The reviews are in for “Lucky Number Slevin.” It slucks.

A girl can dream
The owner of Harrods in London is going to put a luxury hotel room atop an oil rig; this has to be Paris Hilton’s wildest dream: a hotel room on top of a lubricant producer.

And the plan is working
Dominoes is making a pizza 30% bigger than extra large. Its part of Dominos plan to make the rest of the world hate us even more.

Say it ain’t so
The I.R.S. says that it will not contact you through e-mails and that e-mails claiming to be from the I.R.S. are a scam. Oh great, next thing they’ll say those penis enlargement drugs don’t work.

Gosh, I wonder how they figured out that those phony e-mails claiming to be from the IRS are a fake? You don’t suppose because they are written in Russian, do you?

So long
The illegal immigrant protesting is still going on. To show how much an impact this is having, now there is a two hour wait when you order your Wal Mart sushi.  

Say it ain’t so, 2
The illegal immigrant protests are having a big impact in California; today in Beverly Hills there was a rumor going around that a mother actually had to make her kid’s lunch.

Not valid
Did you hear they discovered the 1,700 year-old Gospel of Judas? Now they aren’t sure if it is real. For example it ends with “I am Judas and I approve this message.”

Now they’re not sure if it is real. For example, it includes the phrase “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”

She had them done
Fashion experts are saying hip bones are the new cleavage. It won’t be long until we hear women say; “Oh, those hip bones aren’t real.”

Hate for that to happen
Child welfare officials visited Britney Spears and Kevin Federline because their baby hit his head. The baby is fine, but if he hits his head again he might try to put out a rap album.

Again, so mean
Katie Couric is moving to CBS. CBS is hoping that Katie’s perfume will help cut the “Sixty Minutes” old man smell.

What is with the epidemic of pregnancies in Hollywood? Gwenyth Paltrow just had a baby, Angelina Jolie, Brook Shield, Katie Holmes are all pregnant. It’s unbelievable. You know who else is pregnant? Clay Aiken.

How cheap are they?
The Florida Marlins lost to the San Diego Padres 9-3. Did you know that the entire Marlins payroll is only $15 million? There are five players on the New York Yankees who make more than the Marlins entire payroll. The Marlins are cheap:

The Marlins are so cheap instead of steroids, players inject Flintstone chewable vitamins into their asses.

The Marlins are so cheap they use the vendor’s old hot dog water to fill up the club house whirl pool

The Marlins are so cheap the batters all share the same cup.

The Marlins are so cheap the pine tar for their bats has been replaced with spit out chewing tobacco.

The Marlins are so cheap one post game meal consisted of things stolen from fat Yankees Pitcher David Wells’s locker.

The Marlins are so cheap t\his week they are the Marlins. Next week they are the Louie’s Bail Bonds.

The Marlins are so cheap, today’s lineup card? Tomorrows club house toilet paper.