Tuesday, April 11, 2006

It is hard out here

It gonna go like that up in this here locizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad “Brokeback” joke #789
Sunday’s “The Sopranos” features a mob guy in a gay kiss. I think the episode was titled “Brokeback Kneecaps.”

Green Obscene
Phil Mickelson won the Masters. As a result, Phil won the Masters bright green jacket, the ugliest garment in sports outside of Sumo wrestling.

Wearing the coveted Masters jacket says you are a champion, you are elite, you are special and you are wearing a coat that was obviously purchased by a club run by old rich white men.  

Phil Mickelson won the Masters. As a result, Phil won the Masters bright green jacket that comes complete with old man smell.

Putting the B.O. in Bonds
Through the first six games of the season, San Francisco Giants’ Barry Bonds has no home runs and is only hitting .167.  It might be time for Barry to start taking more of those steroids he didn’t know he was taking.

No way out
A man jumped the White House fence and made it several yards before being captured. He could have gotten away but, like everyone else near the White House, he didn’t have an exit strategy either.

Working hard
In Delaware, a 34-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old student 28 times in one week; 28 times in one week? I hope she gave the kid credit for extra curricular activity.

French President Jacques Chirac gave in to demands of angry mobs by scrapping a labor law. In news equally shocking as the French caving in, a Palestinian threw a rock.

We’re saying the thing is ugly
At the Masters, contender Rocco Mediate had a great shot that hit the pin costing him two strokes and then he had two-shots-in-the water for a 10 on the 12th hole to take him out of it. No golfer has ever gone from looking so good to so bad so fast without putting on a green Masters jacket.  

Quite a drop
In “FHM”’s magazine top 100 sexiest women list, Britney Spears fell from #3 last year to totally off the list this year. That’s fastest drop since Jessica Simpson dressed up as Camilla Parker Bowles for Halloween.    

So romantic
It is Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles one year anniversary; they celebrated by taking a romantic carriage ride, he drove, she pulled.

It’s good to be the Hef
Hugh Hefner turned 80 yesterday. Hef made a wish, closed his eyes, blew out his candles and, bam, his wish came true, he was Hugh Hefner.

They celebrated as always at the Playboy mansion, they played pin the tail on the tail.

Hef is in great health, he is rich and he lives surrounded by adoring Playmates, what could he possibly wish for on his birthday?  “Oh please, just once let me dig ditches all day.”

Once again, that is one ugly jacket
Without a doubt, the Masters green jacket is the ugliest garment in sports unless you count t-shirts with New York Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson’s picture on the front.

Makes as much sense
Illegal immigrants continue to protest the proposed crack down on illegal immigrants. And today, thousands of burglars marched in protest of a proposed crack down on robbery.