Friday, June 24, 2005

These just in:
Yesterday at the premiere for “War of the Worlds,” Tom Cruise kissed director Stephen Spielberg; today, Spielberg jumped on Oprah’s couch and yelled; “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

According to a new survey, the three top complaints in Manhattan are too much pollution, too much garbage, and too much noise. And following a close fourth: too much Trump.

A new study has found that eating soy and soy products can reduce a man’s fertility rate. In addition, eating Tofu can make you gay.

In Japan, scientists are trying to build robots that would serve as security guards. That should work out. They already made a robot that serves as Vice President of the United States.

The thang is the thang that’s a thang thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no, sir, oh forget it . . .
The Supreme Court expanded the power of eminent domain, the right of government to seize homes for development. It was awkward when they asked the President what he thought of Eminent Domain, Bush said; “I’m not too big on those white rap singers.”

Love the grunts
A referee at Wimbledon wants women players to stop grunting when they play. Apparently the referee also wants men to stop watching women’s tennis.

The women tennis player’s grunting doesn’t bother me. Now, when the guys who watch them start to grunt, that’s what I find disturbing.

See how that would work?
Today is “Take your dog to work” day. So, if Prince Charles had a job, he could take Camilla to work today.

Good news, bad news
General Motors is offering a deal where customers are treated like employees and get the employee discount. I went to a dealer to take advantage of it and they told me I’d been fired.

A certain kind of love
Two London psychiatrists claim they have discovered there are nine kinds of love. There’s love based on mutual trust, and then hedonistic love, which is based on lust and finally there is the kind where Tom Cruise pays you five million bucks to promote his movie.

How do I volunteer for these studies?
A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. On the other hand, there is only one part of the male’s brain that shuts down during orgasms: that’s the part of the brain that recalls promising to give her a call the next day.

A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. And a man’s brain shuts down right after an orgasm otherwise known as immediate deep slumber.

A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. On the other hand, a man’s brain does not shut down during sex, it just moves down to the groin.

The best and worst
AFI ranked the top 100 movie lines. The top one was “Gone with the Wind” “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The worst movie line ever? “Hi, my name is Gigli.”

Oh, for the love of mercy . . .
At the New York “War of the Worlds” premier, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes repeatedly kissed for fans; OK, we get it. Attention everybody, nobody can fall in love anymore, Tom and Katie have done it to perfection. There’s no sense in even trying to top them. It’s over. We get it.

The press has a nickname for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes like they did for Ben and J. Lo, Bennifer. They call them TomKat. That’s cute. TomKat. I’ve got another name for them: YuckPuke.

On the “Today Show” Tom Cruise defended his statement that drugs should not be used for depression claiming he has studied psychology. Wow, between earning $30 million a movie, studying Scientology and continually making out with Katie Holmes, how does Cruise find the time to be a psychiatrist?

Wow, politics, romance, religion, psychiatry. Is there anything those famous movie stars don’t know?

God Save the iPod
Queen Elizabeth has an iPod. The announcement that the Queen has an iPod officially and permanently ends the period when owning an iPod is considered cool.

Prince Charles tried to use an iPod the he kept loosing the ear pieces in his ears.

Queen Elizabeth has an iPod. Whenever she sees her new daughter-in-law, Camilla Parker Bowles, the queen likes to listen to the song; “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Not sure the President always gets these things. When informed Queen Elizabeth has an iPod, President Bush said; “Eww, that sounds nasty. Tell her to use an ointment and not to rub her eyes.”

That explains it
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons 81-74 to win the NBA championship. Spurs star Tim Duncan quietly and unselfishly goes about his business winning NBA championships; this is probably why his teammates refer top him as The Anti-Kobe.

Fido at the job
Today is “Take Your Dog to Work” day. So, if you have a dog, you can take him to work today. Unless you work at a Korean deli, then it probably isn’t such a good idea.

Since you asked:
Well, I did it again, Slats and Nugs. Broke my cardinal iPod rule not to get carried away and rock out to my iPod in public.

There I was, on the elliptical machine when Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child of Mine” kicks in. What do I do? My sad, weak, frail imitation of Axel rose’s side-to-side mike move. Except in my case I looked more like Axel Rose needing a defibrillator.

Remember how I told you I was on the bike jamming to the “Top Gun” theme “Danger Zone” and blurted out, “Goose, I feel the need. The need for speed”?

I topped that.

There I was at the gym on the elliptical machine, again, when, out of nowhere, I had forgotten I had inserted the song “Promontory” in my workout playlist. What the heck is the song “Promontory” you ask?

It’s from the soundtrack to “The Last of the Mohicans.” “Promontory” is the music featured in that awesome scene when Hawkeye and his two buddies, Chincachgook and Incus, are running up a mountain trail to free the Colonel’s hot daughters from the clutches of the bad guy, Magua. Bad guy Indians keep coming at them at an alarming rate but they are quickly dispatched by our heroes and sent flipping and flying to and fro with tomahawks, their own rifles and rifle butts.

So there I am in my brain just getting ready to get me some serious Magua-butt, sprinting, shooting, jumping, tomahawk chopping like crazy when, for no known reason, I scream out:

“Stay alive. I will find you.”

Here are two questions: Will I ever grow up? How long until I can show my face at the gym?

P.S. Here is my one question with “The Last of the Mohicans” Great movie. Everything you want: great action, romance, good music, great acting, authentic costumes and, best of all, a Fort. As a kid I was stone-goofy about wooden stockade forts with block houses on the corners. Don't ask me why. Thought I was Daniel Boone for a good long while.

But why is it that, a character, Hawkeye, played wonderfully Daniel Day Lewis, who was supposedly born in America and raised by Indians and settlers, suddenly develops a thick Irish brogue when he yells: “Stay alive. I will find you”? You can almost add “and we’ll down a few pints of Guinness, we will.”

Thursday, June 23, 2005

See, now this right here is what I am talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crazy Love
Two London psychiatrists claim they have discovered that there are nine different types of love. To which Michael Jackson’s chimp Bubbles replied: “Make that ten.”

As opposed to Michael Jackson who only loves things that are nine.

Not nice
Prince William graduated from college this week. It was awkward when his step mom Camilla Parker Bowles presented William with her portrait for a graduation present he said; “Hey, thanks for the painting of Seabiscuit.”

Ahh, that time of year
It’s the first day of summer. You can tell it’s summer here in Los Angeles, drivers are exchanging gun fire while standing up in their convertibles.

Sorry about that bug-eye thing
The runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, was interviewed by Katie Couric. That’s interesting, Couric is famous for getting an on air colonoscopy, and Jennifer Wilbanks eyes look like she’s getting an on air colonoscopy.

The runaway bride’s fiancé, John Mason still wants to marry her. Hey, buddy, ever heard that old classic expression that goes something like; “Are you insane? Dump that psycho and run.”

Herbie the love bug is back in the movie “Herbie: Fully Loaded.” It was kind of embarrassing, when asked about Herbie the love bug Paris Hilton said; “It’s clearing up nicely, thanks.”

A nice gesture
Saddam Hussein has been giving his American guards dating advice. For example, Saddam said it is always a good idea to give a woman flowers and candy before you rape and torture her.

Saddam Hussein has been giving his American guards dating advice. For example, if you romance a camel right in front of a cliff, the camel has to constantly back up.

There is a name for that
A new study shows that parts of the woman’s brain actually shut down during orgasms. Yeah, it’s called all of those parts of the woman’s brain that aren’t thinking about Brad Pitt.

A new study shows that parts of the woman’s brain actually shut down during orgasms. And another study reveals that the entire brain of a man shuts down when they see women’s breasts.

It is simple, really
Actor Tom Sizemore could face three years in prison for violating drug probation. If Sizemore wants to avoid being sent to prison, he has to do what other California actors do to avoid prison: kill his wife.

Not a good idea
Researchers at the U. of Kansas are working on a birth control pill for men. Is this a good idea? How are guys going to remember to take a pill every day when most of the time we can’t remember to zip up our flies?

Tomorrow is take your doggy to work day. That makes Saturday; “Go to the office and clean the stain on the carpet” day.

Take your doggy to work day is also known as “Who dropped this chocolate donut on the floor?” day.

We kid the Brandi
Remember, Brandi Chastain? She scored the winning goal in the 1993 World Cup and pulled off her jersey. Her career is over, the U.S. soccer team chose a younger player; Brandi is getting up there. Now when she scores a goal, instead of taking off her top, she takes out her teeth.

Since you asked:
Saw the Lindsay Lohan on “Conan O’Brien.” First, the gal is pretty tiny. I mean like Amy Poehler tiny. Michael J. Fox’s sister tiny.

Second, I think I get the thing with the Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay is like those kids in high school that are fiercely cool. Way too cool. The girls that were so cool they scared the hell out of us shy jocks that were only pretending to be cool. That kind of kind of cool saw through my cool like Superman can see through, well, stuff.

And L. Lo –as I call her - has that raspy voice thing which is actually pretty cool. You can just picture Lindsay Lohan pulling the ol’ “I’ll let you hang with me and that alone will make you cool.”

(Forgive me, I’ve told a version of this story in here before, but I like it so here goes again)

Debbie Fox did that "I'll let you hang with me and that will make you cool" thing for me my junior year in high school. Now, I was, truthfully, just borderline cool my junior year. There were only two things that made me even borderline cool and that was, a, I was the starting running back as a junior on our pretty good football team, and b, I had long hair for a jock. Those two items were where my coolness began and ended. The truth was I was painfully shy and tried to hide that shyness with faux snotty jock coolness.

But to be really cool you not only had to hang with the cool kids, you had to be comfortable being around the cool kids and the cool kids scared me to death.

And then, one glorious night at the big high school basketball game, the head cheerleader, Debbie Fox, came over, sat down in front of me on the bleachers, and then she did something for which I will never be able to repay her: Debbie Fox herself leaned back against me between my legs, for crying-out-loud, and rested her arms on top of my legs as if I was her own personal boy-throne; then she started laughing and joking with me like we had been best pals our entire lives as the entire school looked on and drooled with envy.

Who is Debbie Fox? When I say Debbie Fox, think a natural blonde Angelina Jolie without the tattoos and wearing a gorgeous, tight, green and white cheerleading sweater and a wonderfully short white and green pleated skirt. Debbie wasn’t just the head cheerleader – watch the head-cheerleader-sore-knees jokes here, we’re talking about Debbie Fox – she was gorgeous, funny, popular and smart. And those legs. Oh my god, those legs. Those legs started at those little white ankle socks just over her little white Keds and didn’t stop until they were past that glorious aforementioned pleated skirt. Damn it.

When Debbie Fox leaned her back against me and draped her lovely arms on top of my legs, suddenly breathing became a highly complicated undertaking. It was if her delicious perfume had chloroform in it. Imagine trying to look as calm as possible in front of your whole school when your lungs are bursting, sweat is pouring from your forehead and a Cinco de Mayo festival has suddenly arrived in your pants.

Debbie Fox was so cool her coolness rubbed off on me. (The power to grant coolness is an amazing gift to bestow upon an overly hormonal insecure teenage boy) Debbie invited me to the cool kid party that night. Not just the cool kids, but the cool senior kids. At that time, I was, as I said, only moderately cool and that was just moderately cool for a junior. No longer.

Granted, this generous act by Debbie Fox didn’t foist me into the coolest of the cool kids, they still made me nervous. But, from that point, we all attended many of the same parties and the coolest of the cool and I had many mutual friends. Take, for example, my football and track buddy Bruce Barkwill. Now that guy, Bruce, was born cool.

After the blessed bleacher episode, sadly, nothing ever happened between Debbie Fox and me again, that I can recall.

A couple of years later, I ran into Debbie Fox at a Chicago area bar. We were both in college, she was still stunningly beautiful and attending at the University of Colorado (probably on a coolness scholarship) and I was at U.C. Santa Barbara. Debbie laughed when I gutted-up and told her this story. And then she told me something that both shocked me and broke my heart in a wonderful way: Debbie Fox told me that she had had a huge crush on me and that she always hoped I would ask her out.

Wow. Wow. At some point, the absolutely coolest girl in the world wanted to be my girlfriend when I honestly thought she was merely being kind to a bashful, oafish jock.

Coolness starts to die a natural death somewhere around age 19. After age 19, somebody can be popular, they can be hip, they can be charismatic, they can be wildly successful, they can be fascinating and attractive and famous. But, after 19, they can never truly be cool again. Not like in high school. (Well, except maybe for Paul Newman) And by the time you get married and have kids, trust me, any lingering traces of coolness have long gone the way of the Dodo. (Personally, I felt the last molecule of coolness leave my body sometime after buying my first box of Tampax for a girlfriend and before picking up my first dog poop from the lawn)

But, at age 16, when being cool was at its premium, when being cool was at its absolute zenith, when being cool was a matter of life and death, Debbie Fox went out of her way to help make me cool. It just doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Thank you, Debbie Fox, wherever you are.

"What's that? Yes, honey, I will run to the store and get your Tampax just as soon as I am done picking up the yard."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Let us not rush to judgment, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What are the odds?
A family in Arkansas is expecting their 16th child. And here is the weirdest part: none of the children were fathered by Bill Clinton.

Stiff competition
A Japanese man set the world record for the 95-year-old 100 meter dash. He won the race easily, all the other contestants in the 95-99-year-old division were disqualified after they all tested positive for Viagra.

How about “Stud’s Quarterly”?
You know what magazine they say women find the most impressive in a man’s bathroom? “Time” magazine. Really? I’m not so sure. When I was single that issue of “Candidates for Penis Reduction Surgery Monthly” came in handy.

Good news, bad news
The good news is that the Utah Boy Scout that was lost for four days, Brennan Hawkins, is going to be fine; the bad news? He might lose his Compass reading merit badge.

It was really scary for the kid; Hawkins was terrified that Michael Jackson might find him first.

You know how on Apple’s iTunes you can buy a song for 99 cents? I just bought an iTunes compilation album: all the “American Idol” contestants that have had sex with Paula Abdul. Cost me $300 bucks.

Enough is enough
Iowa is going to do away with awarding the title of Pork Queen. They got tired of giving the Pork Queen title every year to Paris Hilton.

Going batty
In less than two months over 11 people in Brazil have been killed by vampire bats. These bats suck out blood until the victim’s are dead. In fact, the only bats that suck more are the Dodger’s.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

How y’all feelin’ all ‘dat drama now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Switched camps
Michael Jackson is in financial trouble. You know that big guy who held the umbrella over Michael’s head? He just quit to go work for Tito.

So mean
The Stage Deli in New York has named a chicken sandwich after Fergie, the Duchess of York; They also named a sandwich after Camilla Parker Bowles. Yeah, it’s chopped liver on toast.

And wine by warm fire places
An article in “GQ” magazine claims former guards claim Saddam Hussein loves Doritos and he hates Fruit Loops. In addition, Saddam’s turn offs are pushy people and his turn-ons include walks on the beach, pina coladas and being a sadistic tyrannical murderer.

The guards report that Saddam still thinks he is president of Iraq. You know what that means if Saddam mistakenly insists he is president? He’s become a democrat.

Just like that
On “The Tonight Show” Lindsay Lohan imitated Tom Cruise’s Oprah couch jumping scene and her nipple popped out. There Lindsay is imitating Tom Cruise and suddenly she’s Tara Reid.

Making friends with Asia
A six legged dog was discovered outside a Chinese temple in Malaysia. You know what they call a six-legged dog in Korea? Brunch.

I, uh, I did, uh not know that…
Rumor has it that the upcoming book “The Truth About Hillary” reveals that President Clinton has been carrying on an ongoing affair in their town of Chappaqua, New York. Incidentally, Chappaqua is a Mohican word meaning; “I did not have sex with that woman.”

To quote Homer. Simpson, not the other guy
Six top executives of Krispy Kreme Donuts Inc. will be fired; you know how somebody reacts when they hear they are fired from Krispy Kreme? Dough!

Monday, June 20, 2005

This just in: Michael Jackson is in financial trouble. You know that big guy who held the umbrella over Michael’s head? He just quit to work for Tito.

We gonna get our rock on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who is your Daddy?
Did you have a happy father’s day? Or as Paris Hilton calls it: Who’s your Daddy Day.

Or something like that
Paris Hilton is launching a line of jewelry for dogs. I think Paris’s new dog jewelry line is called: “Why the rest of the world hates us.”

Tom on just one knee for a change
In Paris, Tom Cruise popped the big question to Katie Holmes. Unfortunately for Katie, the big question was: “Could you please stop wearing heels when we’re seen together?”

Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes in Paris at the Eiffel Tower. It was so romantic, so touching so sweet, so completely full of crap.

Fierce. That word is just so fierce
According to Entertainment Weekly the new term for gay men couples is Manpanions. And, if you are a guy that isn’t gay? If you say the word Manpanions enough, you soon will be.

How’d he do that?
Phil Jackson has agreed to come back to coach the Los Angeles Lakers and Kobe Bryant; How did Kobe pull that off? They don’t make $4 million dollar diamond rings for men.

Top Squirt Gun
In an apparent interview in London, Tom Cruise got squirted in the face by a squirt-gun microphone. Tom was furious, he hates giving phony interviews about his phony relationship with Katie Holmes.

In an apparent interview in London, Tom Cruise got squirted in the face by a squirt-gun microphone. Cruise was very upset. He wanted everyone to know that he has never, ever, not even once, swear-to-god, ever been squirted in the face by a guy before. Really.

You say Shiite, I say tomato
The Sunni Muslims have reached a deal to participate in the Iraqi constitution; When it comes to the Iraqi constitution, the other Muslim group really couldn’t give a Shiite.

Awww, you shouldn’t have . . .
At a party hosted by Paris Hilton sex-video co-star, Rick Saloman, Leonardo DeCaprio got smashed over the head by a beer bottle and needed 12 stitches. Well, well, happy belated father’s day to our Dad comedy writers.

Eww. Why you need to read your contract before you sign
The bad news for Geraldo? The Fox News deal includes Geraldo having to take Bill O’Reilly’s pants to the cleaners after O’Reilly has phone sex.

Today Geraldo Rivera announced that he has signed a four-year deal with Fox News. Now with Geraldo and Bill O’Reilly, Fox News could sign Saddam Hussein, and Saddam would be the third biggest jerk working at the network.

Paris in Springtime . . .
Paris Hilton has endless product lines from clothes to jewelry to perfume, she’s published a book and she’s appeared in a television series, many commercials and a movie. Here is my question. What is Paris Hilton’s job title? Does the I.R.S. recognize the occupation Professional Skank?

Since you asked:

Let’s play a game I like to call:

“Who is the rock star?”

Been gone, Slats and Nuggies. Flew back into town on Saturday. We just had time to get home, shower and dress for my buddy Mark O’Snake’s big 45 birthday party. Could I stay and enjoy the whole party including the, what I hear was, funny roast? No. Why? Had to leave to help set up or a gig my band, the Mitigators (No I didn’t pick that stupid name ) had that night.

It was a backyard party in Point Loma. In all modesty? We rocked the joint. Started out with folks just watching us, but by the start of the second set, everybody was dancing. Sorry, Angelina Jolie, but our lead singer Kelly is now the sexiest woman in the world, besides my sweet wife. She was swinging and swaying, singing and rocking and doing things I better not describe in case my lovely wife, Virginia, reads this today.

By the middle of the third set we cranked them with a rockin’ bluesy “Red House”, I did a fairly rousing harp jam interpretation of “Juke” in upbeat E (Cross harp in A) cooked on “Pride and Joy” and “Gimme Shelter” killed on “Tore Down” and we tore the lid off the joint with “Roadhouse Blues.”

Crowd would not let us stop. Four encores. Had to come up with four more songs. Fortunately, modesty prevents me from telling you that, at one point, when I was sitting out, the crowd started shouting “Harmonica, harmonica, harmonica.”

Because that would be just plain obnoxious and I will not do that, do you hear?

Later. I gotta go squirt Tom Cruise in the face. Oh, no, oh, why? No, I meant with a squirt gun, oh, you are sick.

Work that movie.

What have we learned from the box office bonanzas of “Batman Begins” and “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and the tailspin if “Cinderella Man”? It is good for a movie for the stars to stage a phony relationship, and lie about it to the press; it is even good for stars to have a torrid affair, cheat on their sweet wife and then lie about it to the press.

So, to review, it’s OK, for movie promotions, to lie, cheat on spouses and act nuts on Oprah.

Just don’t throw a phone at a hotel concierge.