Friday, June 24, 2005

These just in:
Yesterday at the premiere for “War of the Worlds,” Tom Cruise kissed director Stephen Spielberg; today, Spielberg jumped on Oprah’s couch and yelled; “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

According to a new survey, the three top complaints in Manhattan are too much pollution, too much garbage, and too much noise. And following a close fourth: too much Trump.

A new study has found that eating soy and soy products can reduce a man’s fertility rate. In addition, eating Tofu can make you gay.

In Japan, scientists are trying to build robots that would serve as security guards. That should work out. They already made a robot that serves as Vice President of the United States.

The thang is the thang that’s a thang thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no, sir, oh forget it . . .
The Supreme Court expanded the power of eminent domain, the right of government to seize homes for development. It was awkward when they asked the President what he thought of Eminent Domain, Bush said; “I’m not too big on those white rap singers.”

Love the grunts
A referee at Wimbledon wants women players to stop grunting when they play. Apparently the referee also wants men to stop watching women’s tennis.

The women tennis player’s grunting doesn’t bother me. Now, when the guys who watch them start to grunt, that’s what I find disturbing.

See how that would work?
Today is “Take your dog to work” day. So, if Prince Charles had a job, he could take Camilla to work today.

Good news, bad news
General Motors is offering a deal where customers are treated like employees and get the employee discount. I went to a dealer to take advantage of it and they told me I’d been fired.

A certain kind of love
Two London psychiatrists claim they have discovered there are nine kinds of love. There’s love based on mutual trust, and then hedonistic love, which is based on lust and finally there is the kind where Tom Cruise pays you five million bucks to promote his movie.

How do I volunteer for these studies?
A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. On the other hand, there is only one part of the male’s brain that shuts down during orgasms: that’s the part of the brain that recalls promising to give her a call the next day.

A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. And a man’s brain shuts down right after an orgasm otherwise known as immediate deep slumber.

A new study shows that parts of a woman’s brain shuts down during orgasms. On the other hand, a man’s brain does not shut down during sex, it just moves down to the groin.

The best and worst
AFI ranked the top 100 movie lines. The top one was “Gone with the Wind” “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The worst movie line ever? “Hi, my name is Gigli.”

Oh, for the love of mercy . . .
At the New York “War of the Worlds” premier, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes repeatedly kissed for fans; OK, we get it. Attention everybody, nobody can fall in love anymore, Tom and Katie have done it to perfection. There’s no sense in even trying to top them. It’s over. We get it.

The press has a nickname for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes like they did for Ben and J. Lo, Bennifer. They call them TomKat. That’s cute. TomKat. I’ve got another name for them: YuckPuke.

On the “Today Show” Tom Cruise defended his statement that drugs should not be used for depression claiming he has studied psychology. Wow, between earning $30 million a movie, studying Scientology and continually making out with Katie Holmes, how does Cruise find the time to be a psychiatrist?

Wow, politics, romance, religion, psychiatry. Is there anything those famous movie stars don’t know?

God Save the iPod
Queen Elizabeth has an iPod. The announcement that the Queen has an iPod officially and permanently ends the period when owning an iPod is considered cool.

Prince Charles tried to use an iPod the he kept loosing the ear pieces in his ears.

Queen Elizabeth has an iPod. Whenever she sees her new daughter-in-law, Camilla Parker Bowles, the queen likes to listen to the song; “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Not sure the President always gets these things. When informed Queen Elizabeth has an iPod, President Bush said; “Eww, that sounds nasty. Tell her to use an ointment and not to rub her eyes.”

That explains it
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons 81-74 to win the NBA championship. Spurs star Tim Duncan quietly and unselfishly goes about his business winning NBA championships; this is probably why his teammates refer top him as The Anti-Kobe.

Fido at the job
Today is “Take Your Dog to Work” day. So, if you have a dog, you can take him to work today. Unless you work at a Korean deli, then it probably isn’t such a good idea.

Since you asked:
Well, I did it again, Slats and Nugs. Broke my cardinal iPod rule not to get carried away and rock out to my iPod in public.

There I was, on the elliptical machine when Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child of Mine” kicks in. What do I do? My sad, weak, frail imitation of Axel rose’s side-to-side mike move. Except in my case I looked more like Axel Rose needing a defibrillator.

Remember how I told you I was on the bike jamming to the “Top Gun” theme “Danger Zone” and blurted out, “Goose, I feel the need. The need for speed”?

I topped that.

There I was at the gym on the elliptical machine, again, when, out of nowhere, I had forgotten I had inserted the song “Promontory” in my workout playlist. What the heck is the song “Promontory” you ask?

It’s from the soundtrack to “The Last of the Mohicans.” “Promontory” is the music featured in that awesome scene when Hawkeye and his two buddies, Chincachgook and Incus, are running up a mountain trail to free the Colonel’s hot daughters from the clutches of the bad guy, Magua. Bad guy Indians keep coming at them at an alarming rate but they are quickly dispatched by our heroes and sent flipping and flying to and fro with tomahawks, their own rifles and rifle butts.

So there I am in my brain just getting ready to get me some serious Magua-butt, sprinting, shooting, jumping, tomahawk chopping like crazy when, for no known reason, I scream out:

“Stay alive. I will find you.”

Here are two questions: Will I ever grow up? How long until I can show my face at the gym?

P.S. Here is my one question with “The Last of the Mohicans” Great movie. Everything you want: great action, romance, good music, great acting, authentic costumes and, best of all, a Fort. As a kid I was stone-goofy about wooden stockade forts with block houses on the corners. Don't ask me why. Thought I was Daniel Boone for a good long while.

But why is it that, a character, Hawkeye, played wonderfully Daniel Day Lewis, who was supposedly born in America and raised by Indians and settlers, suddenly develops a thick Irish brogue when he yells: “Stay alive. I will find you”? You can almost add “and we’ll down a few pints of Guinness, we will.”