Thursday, June 23, 2005

See, now this right here is what I am talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crazy Love
Two London psychiatrists claim they have discovered that there are nine different types of love. To which Michael Jackson’s chimp Bubbles replied: “Make that ten.”

As opposed to Michael Jackson who only loves things that are nine.

Not nice
Prince William graduated from college this week. It was awkward when his step mom Camilla Parker Bowles presented William with her portrait for a graduation present he said; “Hey, thanks for the painting of Seabiscuit.”

Ahh, that time of year
It’s the first day of summer. You can tell it’s summer here in Los Angeles, drivers are exchanging gun fire while standing up in their convertibles.

Sorry about that bug-eye thing
The runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, was interviewed by Katie Couric. That’s interesting, Couric is famous for getting an on air colonoscopy, and Jennifer Wilbanks eyes look like she’s getting an on air colonoscopy.

The runaway bride’s fiancé, John Mason still wants to marry her. Hey, buddy, ever heard that old classic expression that goes something like; “Are you insane? Dump that psycho and run.”

Herbie the love bug is back in the movie “Herbie: Fully Loaded.” It was kind of embarrassing, when asked about Herbie the love bug Paris Hilton said; “It’s clearing up nicely, thanks.”

A nice gesture
Saddam Hussein has been giving his American guards dating advice. For example, Saddam said it is always a good idea to give a woman flowers and candy before you rape and torture her.

Saddam Hussein has been giving his American guards dating advice. For example, if you romance a camel right in front of a cliff, the camel has to constantly back up.

There is a name for that
A new study shows that parts of the woman’s brain actually shut down during orgasms. Yeah, it’s called all of those parts of the woman’s brain that aren’t thinking about Brad Pitt.

A new study shows that parts of the woman’s brain actually shut down during orgasms. And another study reveals that the entire brain of a man shuts down when they see women’s breasts.

It is simple, really
Actor Tom Sizemore could face three years in prison for violating drug probation. If Sizemore wants to avoid being sent to prison, he has to do what other California actors do to avoid prison: kill his wife.

Not a good idea
Researchers at the U. of Kansas are working on a birth control pill for men. Is this a good idea? How are guys going to remember to take a pill every day when most of the time we can’t remember to zip up our flies?

Tomorrow is take your doggy to work day. That makes Saturday; “Go to the office and clean the stain on the carpet” day.

Take your doggy to work day is also known as “Who dropped this chocolate donut on the floor?” day.

We kid the Brandi
Remember, Brandi Chastain? She scored the winning goal in the 1993 World Cup and pulled off her jersey. Her career is over, the U.S. soccer team chose a younger player; Brandi is getting up there. Now when she scores a goal, instead of taking off her top, she takes out her teeth.

Since you asked:
Saw the Lindsay Lohan on “Conan O’Brien.” First, the gal is pretty tiny. I mean like Amy Poehler tiny. Michael J. Fox’s sister tiny.

Second, I think I get the thing with the Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay is like those kids in high school that are fiercely cool. Way too cool. The girls that were so cool they scared the hell out of us shy jocks that were only pretending to be cool. That kind of kind of cool saw through my cool like Superman can see through, well, stuff.

And L. Lo –as I call her - has that raspy voice thing which is actually pretty cool. You can just picture Lindsay Lohan pulling the ol’ “I’ll let you hang with me and that alone will make you cool.”

(Forgive me, I’ve told a version of this story in here before, but I like it so here goes again)

Debbie Fox did that "I'll let you hang with me and that will make you cool" thing for me my junior year in high school. Now, I was, truthfully, just borderline cool my junior year. There were only two things that made me even borderline cool and that was, a, I was the starting running back as a junior on our pretty good football team, and b, I had long hair for a jock. Those two items were where my coolness began and ended. The truth was I was painfully shy and tried to hide that shyness with faux snotty jock coolness.

But to be really cool you not only had to hang with the cool kids, you had to be comfortable being around the cool kids and the cool kids scared me to death.

And then, one glorious night at the big high school basketball game, the head cheerleader, Debbie Fox, came over, sat down in front of me on the bleachers, and then she did something for which I will never be able to repay her: Debbie Fox herself leaned back against me between my legs, for crying-out-loud, and rested her arms on top of my legs as if I was her own personal boy-throne; then she started laughing and joking with me like we had been best pals our entire lives as the entire school looked on and drooled with envy.

Who is Debbie Fox? When I say Debbie Fox, think a natural blonde Angelina Jolie without the tattoos and wearing a gorgeous, tight, green and white cheerleading sweater and a wonderfully short white and green pleated skirt. Debbie wasn’t just the head cheerleader – watch the head-cheerleader-sore-knees jokes here, we’re talking about Debbie Fox – she was gorgeous, funny, popular and smart. And those legs. Oh my god, those legs. Those legs started at those little white ankle socks just over her little white Keds and didn’t stop until they were past that glorious aforementioned pleated skirt. Damn it.

When Debbie Fox leaned her back against me and draped her lovely arms on top of my legs, suddenly breathing became a highly complicated undertaking. It was if her delicious perfume had chloroform in it. Imagine trying to look as calm as possible in front of your whole school when your lungs are bursting, sweat is pouring from your forehead and a Cinco de Mayo festival has suddenly arrived in your pants.

Debbie Fox was so cool her coolness rubbed off on me. (The power to grant coolness is an amazing gift to bestow upon an overly hormonal insecure teenage boy) Debbie invited me to the cool kid party that night. Not just the cool kids, but the cool senior kids. At that time, I was, as I said, only moderately cool and that was just moderately cool for a junior. No longer.

Granted, this generous act by Debbie Fox didn’t foist me into the coolest of the cool kids, they still made me nervous. But, from that point, we all attended many of the same parties and the coolest of the cool and I had many mutual friends. Take, for example, my football and track buddy Bruce Barkwill. Now that guy, Bruce, was born cool.

After the blessed bleacher episode, sadly, nothing ever happened between Debbie Fox and me again, that I can recall.

A couple of years later, I ran into Debbie Fox at a Chicago area bar. We were both in college, she was still stunningly beautiful and attending at the University of Colorado (probably on a coolness scholarship) and I was at U.C. Santa Barbara. Debbie laughed when I gutted-up and told her this story. And then she told me something that both shocked me and broke my heart in a wonderful way: Debbie Fox told me that she had had a huge crush on me and that she always hoped I would ask her out.

Wow. Wow. At some point, the absolutely coolest girl in the world wanted to be my girlfriend when I honestly thought she was merely being kind to a bashful, oafish jock.

Coolness starts to die a natural death somewhere around age 19. After age 19, somebody can be popular, they can be hip, they can be charismatic, they can be wildly successful, they can be fascinating and attractive and famous. But, after 19, they can never truly be cool again. Not like in high school. (Well, except maybe for Paul Newman) And by the time you get married and have kids, trust me, any lingering traces of coolness have long gone the way of the Dodo. (Personally, I felt the last molecule of coolness leave my body sometime after buying my first box of Tampax for a girlfriend and before picking up my first dog poop from the lawn)

But, at age 16, when being cool was at its premium, when being cool was at its absolute zenith, when being cool was a matter of life and death, Debbie Fox went out of her way to help make me cool. It just doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Thank you, Debbie Fox, wherever you are.

"What's that? Yes, honey, I will run to the store and get your Tampax just as soon as I am done picking up the yard."