Friday, February 18, 2005

This just in:
President Bush just named the director of national intelligence, John Negroponte. Talk about pressure? This guy sends an email with one typo and it's "Get this, the Director of National Intelligence just spelled tomorrow with one r."

This guy is in for hell at parties. "You're the director of national intelligence? So what's the capital of Borneo?"

This guy is going to get a lot of, "You're the director of national intelligence? You know who you should hire? That "Jeopardy" guy, Ken Jennings. He's pretty smart."

Sadly, some are not clear on the concept of the national intelligence office. Jessica Simpson called them and asked to buy some.

Oh, and one more thing: Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.

Yo, how come you never call the house, already, already, already, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

That’s scary
A Boston University study claims that women who nag their men actually live longer than women who don’t nag. Do you realize what this means? Hillary Clinton is going to live forever.

Lesser but still an offense
Bill Cosby will not face criminal charges but he could face a civil suit for alleged molestation charges. In addition, Cosby retroactively faces the lesser charge of wearing really ugly sweaters in the ‘80’s.

Bad news
The NBA is banning alcohol sales in the fourth quarter. This is particularly bad news for New Orleans Hornet fans who will now have to face the final score while sobering up.
This means the New Orleans Hornets players will just have to drink more at halftime.

That wasn’t nice
Kid Rock was charged with hitting a club disc jockey because Kid Rock didn’t like the music he was playing. It got really ugly when Kid Rock asked sarcastically if the D.J. could possibly play worse music and the D.J. replied “No, because we don’t have any Kid Rock songs.”

Now that I can believe
The upcoming Oscar show’s host Chris Rock said that only homosexuals watch the Oscars. Nah, I don’t believe that. Now, the guy who decided that Oscar statue would be a naked ripped-muscle man holding a huge sword? He was gay.

We are way low on Vodka, Goose
At the Nissan Open here in Los Angeles, golfer Retief Goosen was disqualified because he missed his 6:40 am tee time the morning after he hosted a Grey Goose Vodka cocktail party. Gosh, I wonder what happened? Hmm. The guy throws a vodka party and misses an early tee time. That’s a mystery.

Apparently Goosen thought if he showed up he would have been charged with drunk driving range.

This guy put the getting popped in Pop Singer
George Michael announced he is quitting pop music. Apparently he wants to take some time off to get a grip on himself.

Michael is going to miss pop music, he says as a way to make a living, you just can’t beat it.

Michael claims he’s quitting pop music because nobody wants to hear political issues. Yeah, apparently his song “I Want Your Sex” was really about the corporate lobbyist’s unfair influence on the House Ways and Means committee.

For those who don't remember, a few years ago a cop caught Michaels in an L.A. public bathroom, um, let's just say he was re-charging his iPod.

Gift idea
Paris Hilton had a birthday yesterday. What do you give the girl who has everything? Well, I hear cranberry juice is good for yeast infections.

Tuna not included
Jessica Simpson is coming out with an exercise video. It’s called “Brains of Steel.”
It’s a tough exercise video, by the end you’re sweating like Jessica doing a crossword puzzle.

Since you asked:

I am off to snowboard in Wyoming next week. (Yes, there is nothing sadder than a comedy writer trying to be cool) So no new posts next week. OK, that's enough clapping. Stop it.

Any suggestions or comments for a.L.b.B. when I get back, let me know.

Email me at

Be nice. Remember, comedy writers are needier than a lost puppy in the rain.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Oh snap, snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just like that
In one of history’s greatest ironies, President Bush named the director of national intelligence. That’s like Michael Jackson naming the director of child protective services.

Enough is enough
You know that German short-haired pointer that won the Westminster Dog Show, Carly? Now Jose Conseco claims he injected her with steroids.

Let me explain
The NHL season is officially cancelled due to the strike. That means there won’t be any hockey games that you weren’t going to watch nor were you planning to attend.

Not big, huge
A man in New Jersey is suing a penis enlargement company because he said their product doesn’t work. But today he dropped his lawsuit. Jose Conseco injected his penis with steroids and, man, what a difference. Huge.

Isn’t that sweet . . .
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student. She wrote their vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish as long as he does his homework. Sweety, stand up straight.”

Too bad
Jennifer Lopez cancelled her European concert tour. Apparently her husband, Marc Anthony, couldn’t make it for their big Grammy number: the long and awkward Mexican Soap opera duet.

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong is going to go for his seventh Tour de France win in a row. Lance wasn’t sure if the two weeks of agony, torture and punishment would be worth it, then he remembered, oh yeah, he gets to humiliate the French, so count him in.

Lance wasn’t sure if he would compete in the Tour de France. The French spit, boo and swear at him the entire time. In other words, they treat him just like every other American tourist.

Back to normal, well, normal for him
Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. They were worried because his face actually had some color, but now he is back to his old chalky-white self.

I am Christo, hear me roar
Christo has 7,500 fabric panels in Central park. Christo does those huge art projects. And for his next project he is going to go huge again. Christo is going to make a pair of panties for Kirstie Alley.

Good to know
A painting of dogs playing poker was sold for $600,000. Now that his tell-all book is selling, it’s nice to see Jose Conseco is spending his money wisely.

Or something like that
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is being sued by a publishing company for failing to write his autobiography. Or as Puffy calls it his Auto-bio-diddy-graph-iddy.

When did that happen?
President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are furious at Syria for entering Lebanon. First we’re mad at Afghanistan, next Iraq, then North Korea, Iran and now Syria. When did the U.S. turn into the mean substitute teacher? “Syria, are you passing notes to Iran? You’re in trouble, mister.”

Bad sign
The NBA issued standard security guidelines for all its arenas Thursday. You know a sport is having public relations problems when they have to issue a rule book aimed at keeping the fans and the players from beating each other up.

As bad as things are for the NBA with fan brawls, they’re way better than the no-season NHL. Right now hockey fans would jump at the chance to get beat up by a player.

Nothing gets by that Angel marketing department
Back in the late Seventies, a pre-season football game sold out surprisingly quickly because it was advertised as The Eagles at Giant Stadium. The ticket buyers thought it was the band, the Eagles instead of the Philadelphia NFL team. Upon hearing this, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have now changed their name to the Los Angeles U2’s of Anaheim.

After hearing this, the New Orleans Hornets changed their name to the Hoobastanks.

Is it just me or is the name Hoobastank fun as hell to say over and over like an over-caffeinated teenage boy? Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Here is a new feature here at a.L.B.b. we like to call:

Lex takes a nasty turn

It's official. I have taken a nasty turn. Fairly typical and good night. iPod playing blues and rock and R&B. I'm marinated some lean and tasty meat to go on the grill and finally on an Oriental salad. The sky has the wonderful golden Carnival light at sunset. It's time to crack a bottle of wine, right? I pull out my favorite wine opener - I have a half-assed collection of them - the waiter type with the lever, and it happened: I hurt my shoulder opening a bottle of wine. Not "go to the hospital" hurt, but a sharp pain all the same.

We up and done ghetto’d up our Hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that is just mean . . .
A German short-haired pointer named Carly won the best in show at the Westminster Dog show. It was close; Carly barely beat an English sheep dog named Camilla Parker Bowles.

It was close; Carly also barely beat an English blood hound named Prince Charles.

Will she give him bathroom breaks?
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student. The couple then plans on going away on a honeymoon. Or as they call the honeymoon: recess.

Or as they call the honeymoon: Spring break.

That should be a fun honeymoon for him; when a teacher doesn’t like how you do something they make you do it over and over again.

What is going on with all of these women teachers sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager the only thing a teacher wanted me to bang were the erasers.

Jacko jokes
The A.P. reports that Michael Jackson has asked Jay Leno to testify for him. And Tito called and wanted Leno to write a letter of recommendation for a job at McDonalds.

Show some class, will ya?
Robert Blake broke down sobbing in the courtroom. O.J. Simpson was so ashamed when he heard. That’s no way to try and get away with murder. Get away with murder with some dignity, for crying-out-loud.

Michael Jackson revealed a list of potential celebrity witnesses including Stevie Wonder. Michael wants Stevie to testify that Michael looks completely and totally normal.

Michael Jackson had to be hauled off to the emergency room. Among other things, Michael was treated for a broken nose. Apparently, he dropped it on the way to the courtroom.

Michael could be in the hospital for a while. Not that he is really sick, they just can’t figure out which sex and race to put down on his chart.

Latoya Jackson is trying to cash in on her brother Michael’s free publicity by announcing she has a new album. Latoya’s album will be available at the Hollywood Wherehouse. Not because Wherehouse is selling it, that’s where Latoya works now.

Carried away
We did so many jokes on the Swiss beer for gay people, Queer Beer, they sent us some. Well, I tried Queer Beer. After a few too many Queer Beers I got kinda drunk and re-decorated my entire bedroom.

And no, unlike my comedy writing co-hort, Janice Hough, suggested, I did not get so drunk on Queer Beer that I replaced all my blues and rock with Barbra Striesand and Cher music . . .

Exhausted Publicist sold seperately
Mattel is coming out with a Lindsay Lohan doll. The doll will be just like Lindsay Lohan except the breasts won’t be quite as fake-looking. Off-screen problems, stressed publicist and bad attitude sold separately.

So what?
Have you heard of the singer Jack Johnson who has a hit single out called “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”? This guy is a former model and surfing champion who is now a big rock star. Hey, buddy, I’m working this side of the street, get your own gig.

This guy is a former model and surfing champion who now is a big rock star. Big deal. Can he tell a decent Michael Jackson joke? I don’t think so.

This guy is a former model and surfing champion who now is a big rock star. There are so few of us.

Get the puck out of here
The NHL season is officially cancelled due to the strike. Do you know how this will affect us San Diego sports fans? No, seriously, I’m asking, will this have any affect on us?

The NHL hockey season is officially dead. That’s too bad, the Anaheim Ducks were just getting ready to announce they are the are now called the Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim.

Good luck with that
A man in New Jersey is suing a penis enlargement company because he said their product doesn’t work. I sure hope he wins a lot of money because being rich is the only way any woman is ever going to go out with him after this.

Just say no to Conseco
On “Sixty Minutes” Jose Conseco revealed that using steroids increases your strength , increases your speed and he claims it makes you younger. Yeah, and after watching Conseco, steroids also makes you stupid, selfish and virtually destroys any sense of loyalty as well as shame.

Conseco named so many names, there are New York City exterminators who haven’t ratted-out as many people as Jose Conseco.

It’s true, Jose Conseco claims to have personally injected many baseball stars with steroids. And just where did Jose inject them? Right in the ol’ Conseco.

Major League Baseball has refused to comment on the Jose Conseco allegations except to say that now if a player commits an especially egregious mistake on the field, instead of an error, he will be charged with a Conseco.

How can anyone take anything Jose Conseco says seriously? This is a guy who failed a steroid drug test while under house arrest. That’s like getting caught cheating at solitaire.

Since you asked:
Remember, Slats and Nugs, everything before the “but” is B.S.

You know how I hate to brag, BUT, I hit another one. Yep, yesterday I touched the ten-foot basketball rim. Granted, just barely, but I did it. And without a really good warm up. Next to go the 15 pull ups.

Here is the bad news. Sadly, I had a sort of reality realization. Even if I hit all of these goals, even if I lose the rest of my Tony Soprano starter kit gut, even if I look a lot better, who cares? Will it feed the crazy Labradors? Will it make me any younger? Will it get Ann Caroline into Veterinary school? (Yesterday A.C. said when she grows up she “Wants to play soccer on television and then become a Vet and help all animals. Except for snakes") Will it make these lame jokes any better? Oh, hale no.

Ah screw it. Grab a Queer Beer, eat some pistachios and watch a TiVo’d “Scrubs.”

Incidentally, “Scrubs” did an homage to “Cheers.” Really funny. Remember the “Cheers” where Sam loses Rebecca’s boss, Mr. Sheridan’s Doberman, Satan, while Rebecca is house sitting? At one point in the hilarity, Rebecca yells out:

“Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan.” And Sam replies;

“This is no time to sing folk songs . . .”

As the late, great King would say, “That’s, uh, that’s, that’s good stuff . . .”

Wait, wait. I told you my Attention Deficit whatever-it's-called has collided with my memory loss . . . the good news? I can't remember all the stuff I can't finish.

No, Sheridan's dog was named Buster, but when Rebecca lost it, they tried to replace it with a junk yard dog named Satan. The problem? Satan had a habit of ripping people's throats out. So Sheridan comes back, he thinks he is playing with Buster, but in reality it is Satan. That's when Rebecca says;

"Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan."

We straight? It's good to get the really important stuff right. What a full life I lead.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Remorseful update:
We’ve made some unkind jokes at the expense of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles’s pending nuptials. But to be fair, it’s good that they are able to finally get together, it’s good that they’ve found someone later in life, but, most of all, it’s good that they are beyond child-bearing years.

Camilla Parker Bowles seems like a perfectly wonderful, nice, and fine woman. Apropos of nothing, I would like to introduce a new word into our vocabulary: Fugly. When ugly just isn’t enough.

What it be is on the down-low, is what it be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What’s with those republican daughters?
The daughter of conservative republican congressman Alan Keyes, Maya Marcel-Keyes, declared herself a liberal queer. That’s not all. She’s also announced she’s dating Dick Cheney’s daughter.

It was sort of awkward, after Keyes announced she is a lesbian, John Kerry shouted out, “So is Dick Cheney’s daughter. Well, she is.”

But who’s counting?
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student, Vili Fualaau, with whom she had two children. Well, three, if you count him.

It says he is going to write his vows. Wait, sorry, I got that wrong, he is going to write his vowels, she gave him a homework assignment.

A marked improvement
Robert Blake broke down sobbing in the courtroom. You have to give Blake credit, his dramatic performance has greatly improved since his widely panned “Help, my wife has been shot” bomb.

Did you see R. Kelley and Jerry Lee Lewis at the Grammys? If Michael Jackson had been there it would have been dubbed pedophile-palooza.

One more time
The latest in a long line of deadlines is Wednesday for the NHL. The NHL has had more last chances then Cher’s endless farewell tour.

A study reveals the North Dakota has the highest binge drinking rate. This result is a little misleading, it was taken when Glen Campbell was in-state performing in Fargo.

A Whacko list
Michael Jackson revealed a list of potential celebrities witnesses including Kobe Bryant. How desperate are you when you have a guy who was just on trial for attempted rape as a character witness? Obviously Saddam Hussein was unavailable.

The D list
What do you call a two time loser in Hollywood? Someone who was neither picked by Michael Jackson to testify nor were they asked to shoot Robert Blake’s wife.

Hate to hear that
Jury selection was halted in the Michael Jackson trial because Michael had to be hauled off to the emergency room. Michael wasn’t feeling well. Apparently, last night, Michael had a tad too much of his own Jesus Juice.

From A.L.B.B. reader and awesome comedy writer Janice Hough
There was a delay. Michael kept insisting the ambulance take him to the Children’s hospital.

Cross that off the list
They didn’t say what is wrong with Michael. One thing is for sure, we can rule out a nasal infection. You actually need a nose to get that.

When did that happen?
Howard Dean was picked to head the Democrats. Here’s my question: Since when did Republicans get to choose the head of the Democrats?

Since you asked:
Fair is fair, I gotta admit, starting to love the new ‘puter. Sure, I still got some kinks to work out – the printer still don’t work – but the new XP operating system is pretty, sw, sw, sw sweet. And no pop ups or ghosts in the Microsoft Word. But the best part is the iPod. Just now, I was reading news stories off the blessed Google, writing jokes on Word, faxing them to clients, posting them to my blog, answering emails while downloading tunes on my iPod that I can now hook up to my stereo. Arrrr arrrr arrrr arrrr (Pounding my chest)

Oh yeah, uh huh, ‘dat’s right. You can call me a multi-taskin' fool, I don’t mind . . .

Monday, February 14, 2005

We gonna get our V.D. on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Valentines Day. Or as Bill Cosby calls it, Merry Dope and Grope Day.

That’s nooooot muuuusic . . .
Here’s a sure sign you’re getting older. You watch the Grammys and when they finally mention a band you’re familiar with they give them a lifetime achievement award.

Did you watch the Grammys? Here’s my question: What’s a Hoobastank? Doesn’t Hoobastank sound like something Bill Clinton once dated?

I was surprised to see R. Kelley at the Grammys. I didn’t think he stayed up that late on a school night.

The Grammy Awards had a couple of great surprises, Melissa Ethridge’s awesome performance, Ray Charles won eight Grammys, and during the best Rap album presentation, nobody got knifed.

Ahhh, that ol’ sap
It turns out Robert Blake is a sentimental sort. One time when Blake asked somebody to shoot his wife, because it was Valentines Day, he requested she be shot in the heart instead of the head.

It has been raining like crazy. In fact, right now about the only thing in L.A. that doesn’t hold water is Robert Blake’s alibi.

A horse of course
Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles first met at a Polo Match, but not immediately. Somebody else was riding Camilla at the time.

I thought I saw a biography of Camilla Parker Bowles on HBO. Turns out it was “The Legend of Seabiscuit.”

After her engagement to Prince Charles, there have been some harsh jokes comparing Camilla Parker Bowles to a horse. That’s not fair, Camilla is rather tall however. Over 15 hands high.

I don’t want to be mean and say that Camilla Parker Bowles looks like a horse, but when you ask her age, she stomps out the number with her foot.

Treking off to retirment
Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller announced his retirement from the NBA. Miller wants to spend more time with his family as well as studying the “Star Trek” Ferengi rules of acquisition.

Hollywood can be such a snotty, fickle place. There is a club on Sunset Blvd where they only let you in if you’ve recently been in a hit movie. Or if Robert Blake asked you to shoot his wife.

(Tonight Show type joke)
There is a rumor going around I would like end right now. There is no, repeat, no truth that we are going to auction off a motorcycle signed by the people Robert Blake asked to shoot his wife.

What about them?
To cut costs, American Airlines is getting rid of their pillows. That’s not fair, without pillows, what are the bitchy male flight attendants going to bite?

Back to the Grammys
How about that Melissa Ethridge’s “Piece of My Heart” Janis Joplin tribute? Ethridge was awesome. And she was bald due to undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. And you thought Ashlee Simpson’s heartburn lip-synching excuse couldn’t get any lamer?

J. Lo and Mark Anthony sang a duet at the Grammies. However, afterwards, the couple denied that they had any contact during the show.

I don’t want to say that J. Lo and Mark Anthony didn’t have any chemistry but they made Michael Jackson and Lisa Maria Presley’s kiss look hot and heavy.

Christina Aguilera is engaged. If you want to get the couple a gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Incidentally, Bed, Bath and Beyond also describes what used to happen on a first date with Christina Aguilera.

South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-Moon urged the North Korean city of Pyongyang to continue nuclear talks. It was awkward when President Bush was asked what he thought about Pyongyang, Bush said; “The chances are good Laura being a sucker for Valentines Day and all.”

A study reveals studies suck
A study by Reuters Health claims that people tend to date people they are initially physically attracted to. In an equally revealing study, people tend to not like being punched in the nose.

One last Grammy thought
Last night at the Grammys there was Jerry Lee Lewis and R. Kelley. I’ll take “What’s a Teenage Girls Worst Nightmare” for $500, Alex.

Since you asked:
Got out on the nearby high school track yesterday for some intervals for my sub-six minute mile goal. It was UGLY. Oh my. This will be a tough one. 500 jump ropes? Did it. 50 push ups? Done. Touch the rim? I am very close on a half-hearted first try after a tough workout. 15 pull ups? Just need a little more time. The Sub Six Minute Mile? Ouch. The good news? During the workout I personally disproved the entire muscle memory theory, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.

And to think I once had an age group record in the Decathlon. The parts of Bruce Jenner that have been sliced off for plastic surgery were spinning in their collective graves.