Monday, February 14, 2005

We gonna get our V.D. on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Valentines Day. Or as Bill Cosby calls it, Merry Dope and Grope Day.

That’s nooooot muuuusic . . .
Here’s a sure sign you’re getting older. You watch the Grammys and when they finally mention a band you’re familiar with they give them a lifetime achievement award.

Did you watch the Grammys? Here’s my question: What’s a Hoobastank? Doesn’t Hoobastank sound like something Bill Clinton once dated?

I was surprised to see R. Kelley at the Grammys. I didn’t think he stayed up that late on a school night.

The Grammy Awards had a couple of great surprises, Melissa Ethridge’s awesome performance, Ray Charles won eight Grammys, and during the best Rap album presentation, nobody got knifed.

Ahhh, that ol’ sap
It turns out Robert Blake is a sentimental sort. One time when Blake asked somebody to shoot his wife, because it was Valentines Day, he requested she be shot in the heart instead of the head.

It has been raining like crazy. In fact, right now about the only thing in L.A. that doesn’t hold water is Robert Blake’s alibi.

A horse of course
Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles first met at a Polo Match, but not immediately. Somebody else was riding Camilla at the time.

I thought I saw a biography of Camilla Parker Bowles on HBO. Turns out it was “The Legend of Seabiscuit.”

After her engagement to Prince Charles, there have been some harsh jokes comparing Camilla Parker Bowles to a horse. That’s not fair, Camilla is rather tall however. Over 15 hands high.

I don’t want to be mean and say that Camilla Parker Bowles looks like a horse, but when you ask her age, she stomps out the number with her foot.

Treking off to retirment
Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller announced his retirement from the NBA. Miller wants to spend more time with his family as well as studying the “Star Trek” Ferengi rules of acquisition.

Hollywood can be such a snotty, fickle place. There is a club on Sunset Blvd where they only let you in if you’ve recently been in a hit movie. Or if Robert Blake asked you to shoot his wife.

(Tonight Show type joke)
There is a rumor going around I would like end right now. There is no, repeat, no truth that we are going to auction off a motorcycle signed by the people Robert Blake asked to shoot his wife.

What about them?
To cut costs, American Airlines is getting rid of their pillows. That’s not fair, without pillows, what are the bitchy male flight attendants going to bite?

Back to the Grammys
How about that Melissa Ethridge’s “Piece of My Heart” Janis Joplin tribute? Ethridge was awesome. And she was bald due to undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. And you thought Ashlee Simpson’s heartburn lip-synching excuse couldn’t get any lamer?

J. Lo and Mark Anthony sang a duet at the Grammies. However, afterwards, the couple denied that they had any contact during the show.

I don’t want to say that J. Lo and Mark Anthony didn’t have any chemistry but they made Michael Jackson and Lisa Maria Presley’s kiss look hot and heavy.

Christina Aguilera is engaged. If you want to get the couple a gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Incidentally, Bed, Bath and Beyond also describes what used to happen on a first date with Christina Aguilera.

South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-Moon urged the North Korean city of Pyongyang to continue nuclear talks. It was awkward when President Bush was asked what he thought about Pyongyang, Bush said; “The chances are good Laura being a sucker for Valentines Day and all.”

A study reveals studies suck
A study by Reuters Health claims that people tend to date people they are initially physically attracted to. In an equally revealing study, people tend to not like being punched in the nose.

One last Grammy thought
Last night at the Grammys there was Jerry Lee Lewis and R. Kelley. I’ll take “What’s a Teenage Girls Worst Nightmare” for $500, Alex.

Since you asked:
Got out on the nearby high school track yesterday for some intervals for my sub-six minute mile goal. It was UGLY. Oh my. This will be a tough one. 500 jump ropes? Did it. 50 push ups? Done. Touch the rim? I am very close on a half-hearted first try after a tough workout. 15 pull ups? Just need a little more time. The Sub Six Minute Mile? Ouch. The good news? During the workout I personally disproved the entire muscle memory theory, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.

And to think I once had an age group record in the Decathlon. The parts of Bruce Jenner that have been sliced off for plastic surgery were spinning in their collective graves.