Friday, February 18, 2005

This just in:
President Bush just named the director of national intelligence, John Negroponte. Talk about pressure? This guy sends an email with one typo and it's "Get this, the Director of National Intelligence just spelled tomorrow with one r."

This guy is in for hell at parties. "You're the director of national intelligence? So what's the capital of Borneo?"

This guy is going to get a lot of, "You're the director of national intelligence? You know who you should hire? That "Jeopardy" guy, Ken Jennings. He's pretty smart."

Sadly, some are not clear on the concept of the national intelligence office. Jessica Simpson called them and asked to buy some.

Oh, and one more thing: Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.

Yo, how come you never call the house, already, already, already, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

That’s scary
A Boston University study claims that women who nag their men actually live longer than women who don’t nag. Do you realize what this means? Hillary Clinton is going to live forever.

Lesser but still an offense
Bill Cosby will not face criminal charges but he could face a civil suit for alleged molestation charges. In addition, Cosby retroactively faces the lesser charge of wearing really ugly sweaters in the ‘80’s.

Bad news
The NBA is banning alcohol sales in the fourth quarter. This is particularly bad news for New Orleans Hornet fans who will now have to face the final score while sobering up.
This means the New Orleans Hornets players will just have to drink more at halftime.

That wasn’t nice
Kid Rock was charged with hitting a club disc jockey because Kid Rock didn’t like the music he was playing. It got really ugly when Kid Rock asked sarcastically if the D.J. could possibly play worse music and the D.J. replied “No, because we don’t have any Kid Rock songs.”

Now that I can believe
The upcoming Oscar show’s host Chris Rock said that only homosexuals watch the Oscars. Nah, I don’t believe that. Now, the guy who decided that Oscar statue would be a naked ripped-muscle man holding a huge sword? He was gay.

We are way low on Vodka, Goose
At the Nissan Open here in Los Angeles, golfer Retief Goosen was disqualified because he missed his 6:40 am tee time the morning after he hosted a Grey Goose Vodka cocktail party. Gosh, I wonder what happened? Hmm. The guy throws a vodka party and misses an early tee time. That’s a mystery.

Apparently Goosen thought if he showed up he would have been charged with drunk driving range.

This guy put the getting popped in Pop Singer
George Michael announced he is quitting pop music. Apparently he wants to take some time off to get a grip on himself.

Michael is going to miss pop music, he says as a way to make a living, you just can’t beat it.

Michael claims he’s quitting pop music because nobody wants to hear political issues. Yeah, apparently his song “I Want Your Sex” was really about the corporate lobbyist’s unfair influence on the House Ways and Means committee.

For those who don't remember, a few years ago a cop caught Michaels in an L.A. public bathroom, um, let's just say he was re-charging his iPod.

Gift idea
Paris Hilton had a birthday yesterday. What do you give the girl who has everything? Well, I hear cranberry juice is good for yeast infections.

Tuna not included
Jessica Simpson is coming out with an exercise video. It’s called “Brains of Steel.”
It’s a tough exercise video, by the end you’re sweating like Jessica doing a crossword puzzle.

Since you asked:

I am off to snowboard in Wyoming next week. (Yes, there is nothing sadder than a comedy writer trying to be cool) So no new posts next week. OK, that's enough clapping. Stop it.

Any suggestions or comments for a.L.b.B. when I get back, let me know.

Email me at

Be nice. Remember, comedy writers are needier than a lost puppy in the rain.