Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Remorseful update:
We’ve made some unkind jokes at the expense of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles’s pending nuptials. But to be fair, it’s good that they are able to finally get together, it’s good that they’ve found someone later in life, but, most of all, it’s good that they are beyond child-bearing years.

Camilla Parker Bowles seems like a perfectly wonderful, nice, and fine woman. Apropos of nothing, I would like to introduce a new word into our vocabulary: Fugly. When ugly just isn’t enough.

What it be is on the down-low, is what it be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What’s with those republican daughters?
The daughter of conservative republican congressman Alan Keyes, Maya Marcel-Keyes, declared herself a liberal queer. That’s not all. She’s also announced she’s dating Dick Cheney’s daughter.

It was sort of awkward, after Keyes announced she is a lesbian, John Kerry shouted out, “So is Dick Cheney’s daughter. Well, she is.”

But who’s counting?
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student, Vili Fualaau, with whom she had two children. Well, three, if you count him.

It says he is going to write his vows. Wait, sorry, I got that wrong, he is going to write his vowels, she gave him a homework assignment.

A marked improvement
Robert Blake broke down sobbing in the courtroom. You have to give Blake credit, his dramatic performance has greatly improved since his widely panned “Help, my wife has been shot” bomb.

Did you see R. Kelley and Jerry Lee Lewis at the Grammys? If Michael Jackson had been there it would have been dubbed pedophile-palooza.

One more time
The latest in a long line of deadlines is Wednesday for the NHL. The NHL has had more last chances then Cher’s endless farewell tour.

A study reveals the North Dakota has the highest binge drinking rate. This result is a little misleading, it was taken when Glen Campbell was in-state performing in Fargo.

A Whacko list
Michael Jackson revealed a list of potential celebrities witnesses including Kobe Bryant. How desperate are you when you have a guy who was just on trial for attempted rape as a character witness? Obviously Saddam Hussein was unavailable.

The D list
What do you call a two time loser in Hollywood? Someone who was neither picked by Michael Jackson to testify nor were they asked to shoot Robert Blake’s wife.

Hate to hear that
Jury selection was halted in the Michael Jackson trial because Michael had to be hauled off to the emergency room. Michael wasn’t feeling well. Apparently, last night, Michael had a tad too much of his own Jesus Juice.

From A.L.B.B. reader and awesome comedy writer Janice Hough
There was a delay. Michael kept insisting the ambulance take him to the Children’s hospital.

Cross that off the list
They didn’t say what is wrong with Michael. One thing is for sure, we can rule out a nasal infection. You actually need a nose to get that.

When did that happen?
Howard Dean was picked to head the Democrats. Here’s my question: Since when did Republicans get to choose the head of the Democrats?

Since you asked:
Fair is fair, I gotta admit, starting to love the new ‘puter. Sure, I still got some kinks to work out – the printer still don’t work – but the new XP operating system is pretty, sw, sw, sw sweet. And no pop ups or ghosts in the Microsoft Word. But the best part is the iPod. Just now, I was reading news stories off the blessed Google, writing jokes on Word, faxing them to clients, posting them to my blog, answering emails while downloading tunes on my iPod that I can now hook up to my stereo. Arrrr arrrr arrrr arrrr (Pounding my chest)

Oh yeah, uh huh, ‘dat’s right. You can call me a multi-taskin' fool, I don’t mind . . .