Thursday, February 17, 2005

Oh snap, snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just like that
In one of history’s greatest ironies, President Bush named the director of national intelligence. That’s like Michael Jackson naming the director of child protective services.

Enough is enough
You know that German short-haired pointer that won the Westminster Dog Show, Carly? Now Jose Conseco claims he injected her with steroids.

Let me explain
The NHL season is officially cancelled due to the strike. That means there won’t be any hockey games that you weren’t going to watch nor were you planning to attend.

Not big, huge
A man in New Jersey is suing a penis enlargement company because he said their product doesn’t work. But today he dropped his lawsuit. Jose Conseco injected his penis with steroids and, man, what a difference. Huge.

Isn’t that sweet . . .
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student. She wrote their vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish as long as he does his homework. Sweety, stand up straight.”

Too bad
Jennifer Lopez cancelled her European concert tour. Apparently her husband, Marc Anthony, couldn’t make it for their big Grammy number: the long and awkward Mexican Soap opera duet.

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong is going to go for his seventh Tour de France win in a row. Lance wasn’t sure if the two weeks of agony, torture and punishment would be worth it, then he remembered, oh yeah, he gets to humiliate the French, so count him in.

Lance wasn’t sure if he would compete in the Tour de France. The French spit, boo and swear at him the entire time. In other words, they treat him just like every other American tourist.

Back to normal, well, normal for him
Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. They were worried because his face actually had some color, but now he is back to his old chalky-white self.

I am Christo, hear me roar
Christo has 7,500 fabric panels in Central park. Christo does those huge art projects. And for his next project he is going to go huge again. Christo is going to make a pair of panties for Kirstie Alley.

Good to know
A painting of dogs playing poker was sold for $600,000. Now that his tell-all book is selling, it’s nice to see Jose Conseco is spending his money wisely.

Or something like that
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is being sued by a publishing company for failing to write his autobiography. Or as Puffy calls it his Auto-bio-diddy-graph-iddy.

When did that happen?
President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are furious at Syria for entering Lebanon. First we’re mad at Afghanistan, next Iraq, then North Korea, Iran and now Syria. When did the U.S. turn into the mean substitute teacher? “Syria, are you passing notes to Iran? You’re in trouble, mister.”

Bad sign
The NBA issued standard security guidelines for all its arenas Thursday. You know a sport is having public relations problems when they have to issue a rule book aimed at keeping the fans and the players from beating each other up.

As bad as things are for the NBA with fan brawls, they’re way better than the no-season NHL. Right now hockey fans would jump at the chance to get beat up by a player.

Nothing gets by that Angel marketing department
Back in the late Seventies, a pre-season football game sold out surprisingly quickly because it was advertised as The Eagles at Giant Stadium. The ticket buyers thought it was the band, the Eagles instead of the Philadelphia NFL team. Upon hearing this, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have now changed their name to the Los Angeles U2’s of Anaheim.

After hearing this, the New Orleans Hornets changed their name to the Hoobastanks.

Is it just me or is the name Hoobastank fun as hell to say over and over like an over-caffeinated teenage boy? Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.