Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Here is a new feature here at a.L.B.b. we like to call:

Lex takes a nasty turn

It's official. I have taken a nasty turn. Fairly typical and good night. iPod playing blues and rock and R&B. I'm marinated some lean and tasty meat to go on the grill and finally on an Oriental salad. The sky has the wonderful golden Carnival light at sunset. It's time to crack a bottle of wine, right? I pull out my favorite wine opener - I have a half-assed collection of them - the waiter type with the lever, and it happened: I hurt my shoulder opening a bottle of wine. Not "go to the hospital" hurt, but a sharp pain all the same.

We up and done ghetto’d up our Hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that is just mean . . .
A German short-haired pointer named Carly won the best in show at the Westminster Dog show. It was close; Carly barely beat an English sheep dog named Camilla Parker Bowles.

It was close; Carly also barely beat an English blood hound named Prince Charles.

Will she give him bathroom breaks?
Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth grade student. The couple then plans on going away on a honeymoon. Or as they call the honeymoon: recess.

Or as they call the honeymoon: Spring break.

That should be a fun honeymoon for him; when a teacher doesn’t like how you do something they make you do it over and over again.

What is going on with all of these women teachers sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager the only thing a teacher wanted me to bang were the erasers.

Jacko jokes
The A.P. reports that Michael Jackson has asked Jay Leno to testify for him. And Tito called and wanted Leno to write a letter of recommendation for a job at McDonalds.

Show some class, will ya?
Robert Blake broke down sobbing in the courtroom. O.J. Simpson was so ashamed when he heard. That’s no way to try and get away with murder. Get away with murder with some dignity, for crying-out-loud.

Michael Jackson revealed a list of potential celebrity witnesses including Stevie Wonder. Michael wants Stevie to testify that Michael looks completely and totally normal.

Michael Jackson had to be hauled off to the emergency room. Among other things, Michael was treated for a broken nose. Apparently, he dropped it on the way to the courtroom.

Michael could be in the hospital for a while. Not that he is really sick, they just can’t figure out which sex and race to put down on his chart.

Latoya Jackson is trying to cash in on her brother Michael’s free publicity by announcing she has a new album. Latoya’s album will be available at the Hollywood Wherehouse. Not because Wherehouse is selling it, that’s where Latoya works now.

Carried away
We did so many jokes on the Swiss beer for gay people, Queer Beer, they sent us some. Well, I tried Queer Beer. After a few too many Queer Beers I got kinda drunk and re-decorated my entire bedroom.

And no, unlike my comedy writing co-hort, Janice Hough, suggested, I did not get so drunk on Queer Beer that I replaced all my blues and rock with Barbra Striesand and Cher music . . .

Exhausted Publicist sold seperately
Mattel is coming out with a Lindsay Lohan doll. The doll will be just like Lindsay Lohan except the breasts won’t be quite as fake-looking. Off-screen problems, stressed publicist and bad attitude sold separately.

So what?
Have you heard of the singer Jack Johnson who has a hit single out called “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”? This guy is a former model and surfing champion who is now a big rock star. Hey, buddy, I’m working this side of the street, get your own gig.

This guy is a former model and surfing champion who now is a big rock star. Big deal. Can he tell a decent Michael Jackson joke? I don’t think so.

This guy is a former model and surfing champion who now is a big rock star. There are so few of us.

Get the puck out of here
The NHL season is officially cancelled due to the strike. Do you know how this will affect us San Diego sports fans? No, seriously, I’m asking, will this have any affect on us?

The NHL hockey season is officially dead. That’s too bad, the Anaheim Ducks were just getting ready to announce they are the are now called the Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim.

Good luck with that
A man in New Jersey is suing a penis enlargement company because he said their product doesn’t work. I sure hope he wins a lot of money because being rich is the only way any woman is ever going to go out with him after this.

Just say no to Conseco
On “Sixty Minutes” Jose Conseco revealed that using steroids increases your strength , increases your speed and he claims it makes you younger. Yeah, and after watching Conseco, steroids also makes you stupid, selfish and virtually destroys any sense of loyalty as well as shame.

Conseco named so many names, there are New York City exterminators who haven’t ratted-out as many people as Jose Conseco.

It’s true, Jose Conseco claims to have personally injected many baseball stars with steroids. And just where did Jose inject them? Right in the ol’ Conseco.

Major League Baseball has refused to comment on the Jose Conseco allegations except to say that now if a player commits an especially egregious mistake on the field, instead of an error, he will be charged with a Conseco.

How can anyone take anything Jose Conseco says seriously? This is a guy who failed a steroid drug test while under house arrest. That’s like getting caught cheating at solitaire.

Since you asked:
Remember, Slats and Nugs, everything before the “but” is B.S.

You know how I hate to brag, BUT, I hit another one. Yep, yesterday I touched the ten-foot basketball rim. Granted, just barely, but I did it. And without a really good warm up. Next to go the 15 pull ups.

Here is the bad news. Sadly, I had a sort of reality realization. Even if I hit all of these goals, even if I lose the rest of my Tony Soprano starter kit gut, even if I look a lot better, who cares? Will it feed the crazy Labradors? Will it make me any younger? Will it get Ann Caroline into Veterinary school? (Yesterday A.C. said when she grows up she “Wants to play soccer on television and then become a Vet and help all animals. Except for snakes") Will it make these lame jokes any better? Oh, hale no.

Ah screw it. Grab a Queer Beer, eat some pistachios and watch a TiVo’d “Scrubs.”

Incidentally, “Scrubs” did an homage to “Cheers.” Really funny. Remember the “Cheers” where Sam loses Rebecca’s boss, Mr. Sheridan’s Doberman, Satan, while Rebecca is house sitting? At one point in the hilarity, Rebecca yells out:

“Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan.” And Sam replies;

“This is no time to sing folk songs . . .”

As the late, great King would say, “That’s, uh, that’s, that’s good stuff . . .”

Wait, wait. I told you my Attention Deficit whatever-it's-called has collided with my memory loss . . . the good news? I can't remember all the stuff I can't finish.

No, Sheridan's dog was named Buster, but when Rebecca lost it, they tried to replace it with a junk yard dog named Satan. The problem? Satan had a habit of ripping people's throats out. So Sheridan comes back, he thinks he is playing with Buster, but in reality it is Satan. That's when Rebecca says;

"Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan."

We straight? It's good to get the really important stuff right. What a full life I lead.