Friday, November 05, 2004

Beep beep beep beep
This just in:
Good news blog readers, one of the worst spammers in the country, Jeremy Jaynes of North Carolina, is going to jail for nine years for his junk e-mail scams. The best part? Now that this jerk is going to prison, all that Viagra he’s been peddling will come back to haunt him but good.

You know what kills me? Those computer pop-up ads that offer to get rid of pop-up ads. That’s like peeing on somebody’s foot and then offering to shine their shoes.

Oh, haaaale yes, we on it more on’r than we are on the on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(OK, that time I really confused myself)

Who knew?
Scientists in London found makeup that was 1,800 years old. And here is the amazing part: it wasn’t on Joan Rivers face.

Sales are booming
Osama bin Laden’s brother, Yeslim, has launched his own perfume. It’s called: Ode to Explode.

To the good
Political experts say Ohio is the new Florida. And without the snakes, crocodiles and crappy Dolphin football team.

Besides her
One online headline read; “Yasser Arafat brain dead.” Then the next headline said; “Arafat’s health worsens.” How can your health get worse than brain dead? OK, besides Jessica Simpson.

Aren’t you glad the election is over? John Kerry plans to go snowboarding. Now when he comes down the slope, he can reverse his position as much as he wants and nobody can say a thing.

During the debates, President Bush repeatedly commented that the presidency is hard work. It is hard work. That’s why he always says screw it and flies off to vacation at Crawford, Texas

That's odd
11 states voted to ban gay marriage. And one state voted to ban Ryan Seacrest.

He nailed practically the entire demographic
Experts say John Kerry received a lot of support from female voters. President Bush received support from male voters. And Ralph Nader received support from most seven-foot tall, left-handed, dyslexic cross-dressers.

Not good
*Some liberals have not been taking this election result very well. In fact, it is kind of scary. P. Diddy has now started a “You Didn’t Vote, So You’re Gonna Die” campaign.

*Michael Moore is not taking this election result very well. I haven’t seen Michael Moore this mad since his launderer started charging his underwear by the yard.

Except him, of course
John Kerry said there are no losers in a Presidential election. That is, if you don’t count Ralph Nader.

Crabby Babs
Barbra Streisand is pretty depressed about the election results, in fact, they’re starting to worry: today Barbra didn’t even feel like screaming at, or firing, any of her personal assistants.

Did you notice that liberal-icon Barbra Streisand was oddly silent during this election? It was weird, Barbra was quieter than Ashlee Simpson with a broken voice track player.

Lip-speaking of the devil
Proving there is no such thing as bad publicity, CD sales, and interest in Ashlee Simpson have gone up since her lip-synching mistake. Upon hearing this, Michael Bolton screamed, “Hey, I lip-synch too.”

Since you asked:
Last night’s comedy gig? I rate it a solid B-. The venue was surprisingly good. A San Diego Greek restaurant converted for the night into a comedy club. Not wanting to be disappointed, I prepared myself to be happy with anything better than playing to four drunks at a Denny’s lobby with a Mr. Mike. Not even close. Nice stage. Good sound system. Good lighting and a festive crowd of 200 folks. My performance? Considering I went up second after a guy who didn’t do all that great - pretty good, but not great - so the crowd was still a little stiff, I did good. Not great, but good.

Just before I went up, the guy before me – a real nice guy and funny but kind of quiet - launched into this long, pretty funny routine about how people who take the bus are huge losers. Why do they keep the bus lights on at night? These people are too ugly, etc. So, of course, the first thing I say is; “Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner, my bus was late.” (In my best Johnny) Uh, that’s, uh, funny stuff, Ed, funny, funny stuff.

Generally I was loose, pretty quick, and most of my new stuff worked out pretty well. The best part was I wasn’t nervous and I had a great time. This makes me feel much better about my gig on November 11th, at the Del Mar Hilton in the Derby room at 7:30. $20 tickets, all proceeds go to San Diego at-risk-youth under the New Alternatives program run by director and good friend, Stacy Musso.

(Ring the shameless plug bell one time)

For tickets, E-mail me

Thursday, November 04, 2004

What we is is for reaizzle for shizzle my Chi-town Bloggin’ brothizzles and sistizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I got you, babe
Scientists in London found an 1,800 year-old tin of women’s makeup. It was interesting because it was a foundation base that was white and it was also the very first line of makeup endorsed by Cher.

Yeah, like that
Reports on Yasser Arafat are going back and forth. Is he alive? Or is he dead? They don’t know if he’s dead or alive. Kind of like with Ralph Nader.

Dan’s gone bye-bye in the ol’ melon
What was with the endless corny country expressions from CBS’s Dan Rather on election night? I thought I was watching a “Hee Haw” rerun.

At one point, I could have sworn I heard Rather say: “These here election figures are harder than Chinese arithmetic and slicker than eel guts on a river rock and trying to figure ‘em is tougher than putting the Cheese Whiz back in the can. Neeeeee Haaaaw.”

Dan Rather’s election commentary started and a how-down broke out.

Dan Rather is starting to remind me of my crazy old Uncle Zeke visiting from the country. The entire family is huddled in the kitchen whispering, “Whose turn is it to go in the living room and listen to his corny expressions?”

Not a good move
Osama bin Laden’s brother, Yeslem bin Laden is complaining that he has a hard time buying airline tickets. It’s gotten so bad that, in order to make it easier to fly, Yeslim is going to change his name to Cat Stevens.

Poor Ralph
You had to feel sorry for Ralph Nader. Today he tried to address all of his supporters, his staff, his volunteers and his advisors. Unfortunately they were both in the bathroom at the time.

Did you see Ralph Nader address all of his supporters? It was touching. There wasn’t a dry eye in the Denny’s restaurant booth.

The good news for Ralph Nader is that it won’t take long to pack up his campaign headquarters. Ralph just has to call the Motel Six front desk and ask for express check out.

It was sad, John Kerry had to return that huge chartered campaign jet. The good news is that Ralph Nader got his entire deposit back on the bicycle he rented.

Good mileage too
Now that President Bush has been elected to a second term, historians are wondering what his legacy will be. When asked what he thought about his legacy, President Bush said; “It drives pretty nice.”

Since you asked:
Wish me luck, I am going to dust the rust off my Stand up set tonight. Getting ready for the big gig on the 11th. You need tickets here in San Diego, let me know

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

This just in:
11 states resoundingly voted to ban gay marriage. Now, I don’t want to say that our country is homophobic, but there is a move to change our name to: The United, but not united too closely, States of America.”

We got what we get when we got it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big improvement
President Bush won by a mere 136,000 votes in Ohio. Or as Bush calls that: a landslide.

Kudos to Kerry
Whether you voted for him or not, you have to admit John Kerry ran an impressive campaign. From written-off in the primaries to almost winning the presidency, Kerry impressed a lot of people. In fact, Kerry’s own wife, Teresa, was so impressed she increased his allowance.

Who knew?
When asked if she saw her sister Ashlee’s lip-synching mishap on CBS’s “Sixty Minutes” Jessica Simpson said;

“I didn’t have time. It turns out that “Sixty Minutes” show takes like an entire hour to watch.”

We kid my birthplace
Kentucky was one of the states that passed a ban on gay marriage; but don’t worry, Kentucky, you can still marry your sister.

In Kentucky they aren’t kidding around, they got strict; the same sex marriage ban also extends to farmers and their barnyard animals.

First time for everything
When informed he won the presidential election, President Bush said; “Wow, that’s cool, I’ve never won one of these things before.”

It was kind of embarrassing: when informed that John Kerry conceded, President Bush misunderstood and said; “Sure, John has an ego, but I wouldn’t say he’s conceited.”

They asked President Bush if he felt his win was a vindication, Bush replied, “No, I’m not Catholic.”

Let me apologize upfront for this one
Well, I guess a lot of people decided to choose Bush after all; just like Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Sounds familiar
John Kerry conceded the election quickly and with class and dignity. However, out of habit, Al Gore contested the Florida results.

A welcomed trend
Rumor has it the insurgents in Iraq are so upset about President Bush’s reelection, five of them cut off their own heads.

Why? Because we love you
It turns out that only 10% of 18-year-olds turned out to vote. That turn out was so weak, instead of Generation Y, they should be: Generation Why Should I?

Bid deal
Bill Clinton lauded John Kerry for running a classy and moral campaign. Of course, that doesn’t mean a lot coming from a guy whose moral compass points to his pants. That’s like Rueben Stoddard complimenting your diet.

Interesting viewing
I finally watched Alexandra Polisi’s HBO documentary “Diary of a Political Tourist” about the democratic candidates. One fact stood out: Man, did John Kerry have some serious butt-smoochers on his staff. This one guy’s nose has to have been farther up Kerry than Kerry’s proctologist.

Seriously, there are chocolate Labradors whose nose isn’t as brown as this one clown.

Poor guy
Today was a rough day for Michael Moore. Not only did President Bush win, but the Krispy Kreme donut shop, where Moore tried to console himself? It ran out of dough.

As I said, interesting viewing
I saw Alexandra Polisi’s HBO documentary “Diary of a Political Tourist” about the democratic candidates. During the campaign, the candidates can’t go to the bathroom without the press. John Dean didn’t scream during his speech because he’s crazy, the poor guy was constipated.

Affleck trivia question
Counting the recent disaster “Vanishing Christmas” Ben Affleck has had four huge bombs in a row. How bad is it? *Pauly Shore won’t return Affleck’s calls.

It’s so bad that in Ben Affleck’s HBO show “Project Green Light” the unknown director Affleck picked to make the movie told Ben he wasn’t right for a part.

Who is picking Ben Affleck’s movies? Is Ben’s agent Tom Arnold?

The movie “Surviving Christmas” was so bad, Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck just to break up with him again.

Since you asked:
The silence after the campaign is deafening. For two straight years we’ve all been endlessly pandered to and pleaded at by politicians, and now, bam, nothing. Zilch. Squat. Fazool. Why do I suddenly feel like the rock star groupie who wakes up in the hotel room alone with nothing but the band’s latest CD and a fifty-dollar bill on the dresser?

*Just so you know: How low am I, Lex the Kase, in the entertainment business food chain? Pauly Shore’s Mom once didn’t return my call.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

These just in:
I’m not sure Jessica Simpson gets the whole election thing. She asked her manager if he voted today and when he told he voted an absentee ballot, Jessica said; “Absentee? I had no idea you lost a limb.”

Post World Series merchandising is in full swing. I got an e-mail announcing that 2004 Boston Red Sox World Champion jackets are available. And, for a limited time, if you buy two Red Sox jackets, you get one official New York Yankee choke collar for free.

We gonna jack up that vote up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nagging feeling
Why do I get the feeling there was something I was supposed to do today?

It was kind of embarrassing. They asked President Bush if he exercised his inalienable right, Bush replied; “I'm not an inalienable, I'm a born U.S. citizen."

Insiders say John Kerry might take a loss badly. How badly? If John Kerry loses, well, if you thought he had a long face before . . .

It was a beautiful clear election day today. Just to show you how clean the air was, the pollution count was even lower than Ralph Nader’s vote total.

That's a lot of quarters
There were a lot of undecided voters. The polling places reported there were more quarters being flipped around then when Paris Hilton had her allowance cut and she had to charge her dates.

They took a poll of comedy writers who they wanted to win strictly for comedy writing reasons, 55% said Bush, 35% said Kerry, 10% said whoever can get this awful hangover to go away.

Fox innovations
I miss Fox’s coverage of the World Series. Well, maybe not that stupid dirt-cam near the batter’s box. Even that was better than their first idea: the Johnny Damon beard cam.

I, uh, I did not know that . . .
The Ashlee Simpson lip-synching story won’t die. You know, lip-synching is not new, the Rolling Stones tried it many years ago, but Mick Jagger’s lips are so big, when he tried to lip-synch they flopped-up knocked him out.

For the record
A Dutch filmmaker, Theo Van Gogh, who in his films was critical of Muslims, was murdered in Amsterdam reportedly by a Muslim gunman. In a related story, this comedian would like to go on record that the vast majority of Muslims are peaceful and kind.

Among other charges, the filmmaker accused members of the Dutch Muslim community of being violent. Boy, they showed him, huh?

Rough Halloween
Truth is I had a rough Halloween. I was supposed to meet some friends but we never got together. It was my fault: I went as a weapon of mass destruction, turns out nobody could find me either.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Oh yes, it is all down to this righteous throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s down to the wire, folks
After all the ugliness, after all the debates, all the publicity, we can now finally end our national tortured dilemma: Who had a worse week, Bill O’Reilly or Ashlee Simpson?

Hard to believe
Can you believe the election is tomorrow? That means the president will be chosen in a mere three months.

Got that time back
*Now that we set the clocks back this weekend we gained an hour; that makes up for the time we lost during the debate waiting for President Bush to pronounce the word: exaggeration.

Not classy
Osama bin Laden has another video out. Maybe it was just me, but I thought it was bad form when Osama mentioned Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

If you look closely, you can see that Osama is lip-synching.

Not a good idea
In the Philadelphia Eagles defeat of the Baltimore Ravens, Terrell Owens mocked Lewis’s pre-game dance moves during T.O.’s touchdown dance. T.O should try something a little less stupid and dangerous then taunting Lewis, like flirting with O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend.

Rule of thumb: when taunting an opponent, generally avoid those who have been charged with murder.

Not fair
The San Diego Wild Animal park has a new exhibit that features lions behind thick glass windows. Isn’t that mean to have the people so close to the lions? That would be like separating Michael Moore behind a glass window while hamburgers and Krispy Kreme donuts parade by.

He wasn’t using his listening ears
Rapper R. Kelley was kicked off the Jay Z tour. Or to put it in terms R. Kelley can understand, Jay Z put R. Kelley in a time-out.

It’s down to this
Well folks, it’s time to decide: do we want John Kerry and four years of “The Munsters” re-runs or President Bush and four more years of a “Forrest Gump” sequel?

Weighty topic
Now that he is with the Miami Heat, Shaquille O’Neal said he lost 35 pounds. Just to put that in perspective, Shaq losing 35 pounds is like tossing a box of Twinkies off a battleship.

Losing 35 pounds really is not a big deal when your shoes alone weigh forty pounds.

Please indulge me:
The first time I was able to vote was my first year in college in California and, like with so many things in my life at that time, I keenly looked forward to it as this blessed magical event and, right afterwards, I had to ask: “Are you kidding? So that’s it?”

This less than profound experience may have caused me to miss a few opportunities to exercise my inalienable right. Obviously it wasn’t the activity of the voting itself that was supposed to be magical, but the process of democracy in action.

Nobody knew this better than my Mother. The last public act my Mother performed was to vote in an early spring primary on a cold, rainy Illinois morning. Mom was keenly politically active and volunteered in local politics her whole life; my mother was a lifelong democrat who had a firm faith in grass-roots politics and an unwavering belief in democracy's ability to help people.

So even though her cancer had metastasized further than we could have imagined and she was in far worse pain than she wanted us to believe, my Mother leaned on me as I practically carried her - it wasn't hard, she was light - into the Church where she would last vote.

As we made our slow but steady ascent up the Church stairs, I caught a distinguished older man’s sharp eyes quickly assess both the sadness and the courage of my Mother’s act; he gave her a smile and said ; “Bad tennis injury, huh?” My Mom got a nice kick out of that.

The Church was right across the cross street from our house, but, given what we now know about my Mother’s advanced condition, it may as well have been on top of a cliff. Either way it wouldn’t have mattered, Ann Rodgers Kaseberg was going to vote that day. My Mother was going to vote even if it killed her.

Michael Moore shouldn't have to give somebody underwear to lure them to vote. Leonardo DiCaprio's pleas shouldn't make them want to vote.

We all know that countless brave heroes have died for our right to vote. It gives me great pride to say that I witnessed a certain brave hero vote even though she was dying.

This just in: Somehow I messed up and put the one before in twice. My attention deficit whatever-it's-called must be acting up.