This just in:
11 states resoundingly voted to ban gay marriage. Now, I don’t want to say that our country is homophobic, but there is a move to change our name to: The United, but not united too closely, States of America.”

We got what we get when we got it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big improvement
President Bush won by a mere 136,000 votes in Ohio. Or as Bush calls that: a landslide.

Kudos to Kerry
Whether you voted for him or not, you have to admit John Kerry ran an impressive campaign. From written-off in the primaries to almost winning the presidency, Kerry impressed a lot of people. In fact, Kerry’s own wife, Teresa, was so impressed she increased his allowance.

Who knew?
When asked if she saw her sister Ashlee’s lip-synching mishap on CBS’s “Sixty Minutes” Jessica Simpson said;

“I didn’t have time. It turns out that “Sixty Minutes” show takes like an entire hour to watch.”

We kid my birthplace
Kentucky was one of the states that passed a ban on gay marriage; but don’t worry, Kentucky, you can still marry your sister.

In Kentucky they aren’t kidding around, they got strict; the same sex marriage ban also extends to farmers and their barnyard animals.

First time for everything
When informed he won the presidential election, President Bush said; “Wow, that’s cool, I’ve never won one of these things before.”

It was kind of embarrassing: when informed that John Kerry conceded, President Bush misunderstood and said; “Sure, John has an ego, but I wouldn’t say he’s conceited.”

They asked President Bush if he felt his win was a vindication, Bush replied, “No, I’m not Catholic.”

Let me apologize upfront for this one
Well, I guess a lot of people decided to choose Bush after all; just like Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Sounds familiar
John Kerry conceded the election quickly and with class and dignity. However, out of habit, Al Gore contested the Florida results.

A welcomed trend
Rumor has it the insurgents in Iraq are so upset about President Bush’s reelection, five of them cut off their own heads.

Why? Because we love you
It turns out that only 10% of 18-year-olds turned out to vote. That turn out was so weak, instead of Generation Y, they should be: Generation Why Should I?

Bid deal
Bill Clinton lauded John Kerry for running a classy and moral campaign. Of course, that doesn’t mean a lot coming from a guy whose moral compass points to his pants. That’s like Rueben Stoddard complimenting your diet.

Interesting viewing
I finally watched Alexandra Polisi’s HBO documentary “Diary of a Political Tourist” about the democratic candidates. One fact stood out: Man, did John Kerry have some serious butt-smoochers on his staff. This one guy’s nose has to have been farther up Kerry than Kerry’s proctologist.

Seriously, there are chocolate Labradors whose nose isn’t as brown as this one clown.

Poor guy
Today was a rough day for Michael Moore. Not only did President Bush win, but the Krispy Kreme donut shop, where Moore tried to console himself? It ran out of dough.

As I said, interesting viewing
I saw Alexandra Polisi’s HBO documentary “Diary of a Political Tourist” about the democratic candidates. During the campaign, the candidates can’t go to the bathroom without the press. John Dean didn’t scream during his speech because he’s crazy, the poor guy was constipated.

Affleck trivia question
Counting the recent disaster “Vanishing Christmas” Ben Affleck has had four huge bombs in a row. How bad is it? *Pauly Shore won’t return Affleck’s calls.

It’s so bad that in Ben Affleck’s HBO show “Project Green Light” the unknown director Affleck picked to make the movie told Ben he wasn’t right for a part.

Who is picking Ben Affleck’s movies? Is Ben’s agent Tom Arnold?

The movie “Surviving Christmas” was so bad, Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck just to break up with him again.

Since you asked:
The silence after the campaign is deafening. For two straight years we’ve all been endlessly pandered to and pleaded at by politicians, and now, bam, nothing. Zilch. Squat. Fazool. Why do I suddenly feel like the rock star groupie who wakes up in the hotel room alone with nothing but the band’s latest CD and a fifty-dollar bill on the dresser?

*Just so you know: How low am I, Lex the Kase, in the entertainment business food chain? Pauly Shore’s Mom once didn’t return my call.