Friday, November 05, 2004

Beep beep beep beep
This just in:
Good news blog readers, one of the worst spammers in the country, Jeremy Jaynes of North Carolina, is going to jail for nine years for his junk e-mail scams. The best part? Now that this jerk is going to prison, all that Viagra he’s been peddling will come back to haunt him but good.

You know what kills me? Those computer pop-up ads that offer to get rid of pop-up ads. That’s like peeing on somebody’s foot and then offering to shine their shoes.

Oh, haaaale yes, we on it more on’r than we are on the on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(OK, that time I really confused myself)

Who knew?
Scientists in London found makeup that was 1,800 years old. And here is the amazing part: it wasn’t on Joan Rivers face.

Sales are booming
Osama bin Laden’s brother, Yeslim, has launched his own perfume. It’s called: Ode to Explode.

To the good
Political experts say Ohio is the new Florida. And without the snakes, crocodiles and crappy Dolphin football team.

Besides her
One online headline read; “Yasser Arafat brain dead.” Then the next headline said; “Arafat’s health worsens.” How can your health get worse than brain dead? OK, besides Jessica Simpson.

Aren’t you glad the election is over? John Kerry plans to go snowboarding. Now when he comes down the slope, he can reverse his position as much as he wants and nobody can say a thing.

During the debates, President Bush repeatedly commented that the presidency is hard work. It is hard work. That’s why he always says screw it and flies off to vacation at Crawford, Texas

That's odd
11 states voted to ban gay marriage. And one state voted to ban Ryan Seacrest.

He nailed practically the entire demographic
Experts say John Kerry received a lot of support from female voters. President Bush received support from male voters. And Ralph Nader received support from most seven-foot tall, left-handed, dyslexic cross-dressers.

Not good
*Some liberals have not been taking this election result very well. In fact, it is kind of scary. P. Diddy has now started a “You Didn’t Vote, So You’re Gonna Die” campaign.

*Michael Moore is not taking this election result very well. I haven’t seen Michael Moore this mad since his launderer started charging his underwear by the yard.

Except him, of course
John Kerry said there are no losers in a Presidential election. That is, if you don’t count Ralph Nader.

Crabby Babs
Barbra Streisand is pretty depressed about the election results, in fact, they’re starting to worry: today Barbra didn’t even feel like screaming at, or firing, any of her personal assistants.

Did you notice that liberal-icon Barbra Streisand was oddly silent during this election? It was weird, Barbra was quieter than Ashlee Simpson with a broken voice track player.

Lip-speaking of the devil
Proving there is no such thing as bad publicity, CD sales, and interest in Ashlee Simpson have gone up since her lip-synching mistake. Upon hearing this, Michael Bolton screamed, “Hey, I lip-synch too.”

Since you asked:
Last night’s comedy gig? I rate it a solid B-. The venue was surprisingly good. A San Diego Greek restaurant converted for the night into a comedy club. Not wanting to be disappointed, I prepared myself to be happy with anything better than playing to four drunks at a Denny’s lobby with a Mr. Mike. Not even close. Nice stage. Good sound system. Good lighting and a festive crowd of 200 folks. My performance? Considering I went up second after a guy who didn’t do all that great - pretty good, but not great - so the crowd was still a little stiff, I did good. Not great, but good.

Just before I went up, the guy before me – a real nice guy and funny but kind of quiet - launched into this long, pretty funny routine about how people who take the bus are huge losers. Why do they keep the bus lights on at night? These people are too ugly, etc. So, of course, the first thing I say is; “Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner, my bus was late.” (In my best Johnny) Uh, that’s, uh, funny stuff, Ed, funny, funny stuff.

Generally I was loose, pretty quick, and most of my new stuff worked out pretty well. The best part was I wasn’t nervous and I had a great time. This makes me feel much better about my gig on November 11th, at the Del Mar Hilton in the Derby room at 7:30. $20 tickets, all proceeds go to San Diego at-risk-youth under the New Alternatives program run by director and good friend, Stacy Musso.

(Ring the shameless plug bell one time)

For tickets, E-mail me