Friday, October 08, 2004

This just in;
Sadly, in her first singing debut in Miami, Paris Hilton was so bad she was booed from the stage; when asked if that hurt her pride, Paris said; “What the hell is pride?”

Now, see, that’s how we roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Still working on California

A poll reveals that, although California voters give Arnold Schwarzenegger high marks as governor, they don’t want him to be President. You have to think Arnold would say that’s hypocritical, if only Arnold could pronounce the word hypocritical.

Not as close as one might think
*The election is coming down to the wire. Here’s the bad news for President Bush, if, at the end, the race is neck and neck, with the size of John Kerry’s head, Bush will lose by a lot.

Prison: It’s a bad thing
*Martha Stewart showed up for prison today. I’m not sure she gets it; Martha brought flowers and a bottle of wine.

*The good news for Martha is that her cellmate is a really big fan. The bad news for Martha? Her cellmate is a really, really big fan.

It’s fun to joke about Martha Stewart but I feel sorry for her on her first night in prison. Here’s hoping that Martha finds a really nice inmate to turn into her bitch.

Can you believe Martha Stewart is in prison and O.J. Simpson is free? We can only hope that, before OJ kills his next victims, he first lies to the feds about insider trading.

You know what I would love to see? Martha Stewart’s offices while she is locked up. Can’t you just see the stacks of empty beer cans, drunken limbo contests and naked-butt photocopying?

Not that bad
*Tourists are flocking to watch Mt. St. Helens spew steam. That doesn’t sound very smart, but it could be more dangerous, they could be at an Elton John concert.

Right off the bat
*The first Presidential debate question tonight? Which would make a scarier Halloween costume, going as Mt. St. Helens or Elton John?

President Bush has a secret plan; if things start to go bad during the debate, he is going to yell out; "Hey, the Yankees are playing the Twins right now on ESPN."

That’s a lot of work right there
*Jennifer Lopez is appearing on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Right now, in Las Vegas, you can get ten-to-one that even James Lipton can’t kiss all of that butt.

I am confused, don’t the guests on “Inside the Actors Studio” actually have to be actors?

Actually, Jennifer Lopez deserves to be in “Inside the Actors Studio” besides the disastrous “Gigli” she has appeared in many good films, for example, well there was, OK, who could forget J. Lo’s role in, um, there was that time she made . . . well at least she’s better than Madonna.

It’s a crime how they snubbed Carrot Top
*You know who was featured on A&E’s “Biography”? The Rock. Apparently we have completely run out of accomplished people in this country.

Did I just say that?
Porn stars have made a movie in support of John Kerry. Really. I don’t want to give anything away but the plot will remind of you John Kerry: A lot of head.

Since you asked:
Last night I was sitting there like a lord: two Labradors snoozing at my feet as I swilled red wine and munched grilled and beer boiled brats with an amazingly great stone-ground English mustard while watching the Dodgers and the Cardinals on the blessed TiVo.

As the sun started to set into the warm, golden, gloaming, it suddenly occurred to me that it was a very relaxing and pleasant experience. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would prefer that the Cubs were still playing, but the detachment and objectivity – not to mention the wine - created an air of calm that I would not have felt if the Cubs had me on pins and needles, so in a way it was quite soothing and . . . DAMMIT, HOW COULD THEY LOSE EIGHT OUT OF TEN? THEY WERE ON AN EFFIN’ ROLE UNTIL THOSE MISERABLE, ROTTEN, NO GOOD, FILTHY, LOW-LIFE, STINKIN’ METS. MOMMY. MOMMY . . . sorry, sorry. Whew. Hmm HMM. Happy place, Lex. Happy place. No, really, I’m getting much better. (Twitch, twitch, rock, rock)

Thursday, October 07, 2004

This just in:
Good news. Elton John is back on his menopause medication. Elton screamed at the Taiwanese photographers, he let Madonna have it for lip-synching. You know who Elton should scream at is however put that muskrat he calls a toupee on top of his head.

Elton John is lucky P.E.T.A. doesn't boycott his skull.

So that’s how we gonna play it up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Paris in the Fall
*It’s been reported that Paris Hilton is consulting specialists about having the name of an ex-boyfriend removed from her rear end. She really wants it off, the guy’s name is Hugh Jass.

Paris might keep it, just like a broken clock is right twice a day, odds are she’ll date another guy with the same name.

Paris might have the guy’s name replaced with the phrase: Take a number.

Preposterous I tell you
*When John Kerry was asked if he might be too aloof and aristocratic for the more personal town hall format, Kerry said; “Balderdash and rot. Why, my good man, I can condescend to peons as well as the next fellow.”

Am I the only one who thinks that John Kerry and Homer Simpson’s boss, Mr. Burns, went to the same prep school?

Too easy a mark sometimes
Both candidates are preparing for Friday’s debate; when asked if he thought he could recover from his inertia, President Bush said; “My inertia feels better since I stopped jogging.’

The next debate is a town hall format that will require the candidates to be more spontaneous; when asked if he could be speak extemporaneously, Bush replied, “No, but I speak Spanish real good.”

Good news bad news
*The bad news for Wrigley Field is they were fined $6,725 for renovating a landmark without a permit when they repaired the cement that fell from the ceiling. The good news? When the cement fell, they found Jimmy Hoffa.

*Former Oakland raider kicker Cole Murdoch Ford, 31, is being sought for shooting at Siegfried and Roy’s house in Las Vegas. People who were familiar with Ford’s NFL career were shocked; they couldn’t believe he could actually hit the house.

Math problem
*In the debate, Dick Cheney said that 10 million are registered to vote in Afghanistan. He left out the part that 4 million of those are camels.

Replace Bush jokes with Britney jokes
*Britney Spears has released a song about her life and marriage called “My Prerogative.” I don’t think Britney wrote it. When they asked her about her prerogative, Britney said; “It has great acceleration.”

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

This just in:
Thanks to a deal between Netflix and TiVo you will be able to buy and download movies right into your DVD player. But this technology is not available yet, folks, so you’ll have to wait to run into Blockbuster and flip-off the rude, snotty clerks.

We got nothin’ but the love for that there beeyaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not one more word from you, young man
*I did not envy John Edwards during his debate against Dick Cheney; he looked like a high school freshman debating the principal. At any second I expected Cheney to send Edwards to detention.

President Bush was very excited by Dick Cheney’s performance. Bush gushed, “See? That’s why I picked Dick Cheney to be president in the first place.”

John Edwards continually referenced John Kerry’s debate performance. At one point I half expected Edwards to say; “My running mate can beat up your running mate.”

Bull out to pasture
*Chicago Bull Scotty Pippen announced his retirement from the NBA. Hey Scotty, you’re rich, you’re famous, you’re healthy, you’re retiring young, so why the long face?

How do you say “phew” in Swedish?
*Tiger Woods wed his fiancée Elin Nordegren in the Barbados. Elin is reportedly very relieved. She misunderstood when Tiger said he wanted to have sex with her in the Barbados.

This should teach them
*Shock-jock Howard Stern signed a five-year $500 million dollar deal with satellite radio’s Sirius. Well, if this doesn’t teach kids that there is absolutely nothing to be gained from using foul language, nothing will.

Ricky don’t lose that number
*After a shocking early retirement, Ricky Williams may now want to return to the Miami Dolphins. Upon reflection, Williams probably misses the challenge, his teammates, but I suspect it’s because he would especially miss the $8.6 million in bonuses he owes the Dolphins.

When Ricky quit, didn’t he realize he would have to pay back the advanced bonuses? It’s like getting caught after robbing a bank and being shocked you don’t get to keep the money.

Ricky isn’t dumb, he knows $8.6 million buys a lot of munchies.

Hell hath no fury like a Madman across the water
*Mount St. Elton blew up at Madonna accusing her of ripping off her audience with lip-synching. I haven’t seen Elton John this mad since Liza Minelli dumped him and married David Gest.

Elton was reportedly furious, unfortunately, however, he only figuratively flipped his wig.

Madonna vs. Elton John? Man, how do you pick a winner in this cat fight? What if it goes to the rude, unpleasant diva that has fired the most personal assistants? No, then it would go to Barbra Streisand . . .

How . . . ulgy . . . is . . . it?
*This campaign is getting ugly. Did you see somebody leaked the x-rays of the shrapnel stuck in John Kerry’s leg? And now there are x-rays of the straw stuck in George Bush’s nose.

You know what . . .
*Is it just me or does John Kerry’s head look like a wax replica of Gregory Peck’s head that was left too close to the heater?

. . . for tat
Maybe it’s just me, but when President Bush gets that intent look on his face, I half expect him to start to pick the fleas out of his partner’s fur.

Since you asked:
(In my best Ali-G) Yo check, awwwwiight? Mad Props we has to gives out to my main manizzle, the Cone-bone, Conie abolone, the Conizzle O'Bizzle, yo.

But seriously, "The Late Show" (Did I say "Late Show", I mean "Late Night with Conan O'Brien") knocked it out of the park with a skit last night. (Once again, all hail the TiVo) The premise is they send celebrities questions and the celebrities respond. They asked; "I have trouble getting out of bed when blank." Colin Ferrell said "When I've been out drinking"; Brad Pitt said "When it's cold"; and Star Jones said "When the pulleys are broken."

Mean? A little. Funny? You bet. But the best was, "Without my makeup, I look like blank." Christine Aguilera said "A tomboy"; John Travolta said "My dad", and John Kerry said "A blood hound's scrotum."

Who would have ever thought the best punchline of the day from all of the talk shows would be "A blood hound's scrotum"?

And who had to do the research on that one?

"Easy Chester, I'm just going to lift your tail. Yep, it sure does look like Senator Kerry."

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

We quality like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not a dry diaper, I mean eye in the house

*“Piano Man” 55-year-old Billy Joel married 23-year-old Kate Lee. It was a touching ceremony, afterwards, the happy couple waved to the guests, got in his car and drove right into a house.

I don’t want to imply that Billy Joel is a bad driver, or that his new bride is too young, but I hope before they drive anywhere, Billy makes sure his new bride is well-strapped into her car seat.

In comic strip and cartoon terms
*The Vice Presidential debate is tonight, Dick Cheney versus John Edwards. It’s the Penguin vs. Dudley Do-Right.

The vice president debates will determine who is the most qualified to fill a completely useless position. It’s like the proverbial contest to see who can whisper the loudest.

Madman across the water
*Did you hear about the scary eruption from Mount St. Elton?

Elton John trashed Madonna by saying; “Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay to see them should be shot.” I guess that means he thinks Britney Spears should be nuked.

Trashing Taiwanese photographers, Madonna, when did Sir Elton John get so grumpy? Apparently the bitch really is back.

Not a good marketing fit
*ABC’s “Desperate Housewives” debut was a hit. I didn’t see “Desperate Housewives” but I am willing to bet the sponsor wasn’t Viagra.

Not since then
*Sadly, actress Janet Leigh passed away. She’s famous for the shower murder scene in “Psycho.” It was the scariest thing to ever happen in a shower up until Michael Moore stopped taking baths.

From my comedy writing buddy Janice Hough in Palo Alto
*Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa is in trouble for leaving the last Cubs game way before it was over; in addition, today Sosa was named an honorary Los Angeles Dodgers fan.

How fat are they?
*A new report indicates that child obesity is at a dangerous level. To give you an idea, many teenage boys have gotten so fat, their pants actually fit.

At least
*President Bush and John Kerry will again go head-to-head on Friday. Just the fact that they are going head-to-head, on size alone, that makes Kerry a two-to-one favorite.

The exacta
German technicians have a new cell phone that detects bad breath. Now when you talk loudly in public you can find out that you are being both rude as well as offensive.

Same time
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston will write a self-help book for couples with marital problems; that should come out at the same time as “Ruben Stoddard’s Diet Tips.”

We kid the Michael Moore
When asked what she likes in a man, singer Gwen Stefani said; “Don’t shave, don’t shower, be really stinky and wear the same clothes everyday. What makes a man sexy is not being self-aware.” As a result, Stefani then announced she is now engaged to filmmaker Michael Moore.

Move over, rover, let Britney take over
*Britney Spears announced to Britain’s OK! that she is writing a “Letter of Truth” that will state, on her website, where she is in her life. Move over Magna Carta and Ten Commandments.

Writing the letter hasn’t been easy for Britney; she can’t figure out how to lip-synch a letter.

Give us a break one time
*Tiger Woods imported 500 red roses to a Barbados island where he is with his fiancé Elin Nordegren, yet Woods denied rumors he’s getting married. Oh please, the only time a guy would buy that many roses is either for a wedding or a screw up of Kobe Bryant proportions.

Monday, October 04, 2004

This just in:
Iraqi Militant Muslims released a video of two hostages being shot; you know a situation is bad when a video of hostages merely getting shot is a big improvement. “Oh, look, they didn’t chop off their heads, how sweet . . . “

We all up in this Hooptie like the road dog-izzles what we be, so you best recognize, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Mommy, why does my ugly-haired doll keep firing me?”
*There is a Donald Trump doll out. Insane hairdresser sold separately.

You pull the string and the Donald Trump doll says 17 different catch phrases like, you’re fired, think big, stay focused and holy crap I’m a greedy bastard.

Sing us a song, you’re the cradle robber . . .
“Piano Man” 55-year-old Billy Joel married 23-year-old Kate Lee. That’s a gap of 32 years. Look for Joel’s updated hit; “We Didn’t Start the Fire . . . without help from Viagra.”

Look for Joel’s updated hit; “She’s Always a Woman . . . as of five years ago.”

Look for Joel’s updated hit; “The Longest Time . . . Between Our Birthdays.”

I may have mentioned this before
Did you see that shot of John Kerry tossing the football around on the tarmac? And here I didn’t even know Kerry was taking Levitra.

That’s a lot
*Kobe Bryant disclosed to the Colorado police that Shaquille O’Neal has paid women up to a million dollars to be quiet about his indiscretions. You thought Shaq’s dance card was full before? Wait until women hear that he hands out a million bucks.

When asked what she thought about Shaq’s million dollar sexual encounters, Paris Hilton said; “Wow, that’s a lot of money for sex, but I guess I can afford to pay it.”

Life imitates motto
*According to the New York Times, the Army is having a hard time attracting recruits. In fact, recruitment is so bad that, at the current rate, in twenty years, it really could be an army of one.

*Experts said President Bush and John Kerry made mistakes in the debate Thursday night. Apparently Kerry made a mistake when he gave the wrong cost of the war in Iraq; President Bush made a mistake when he didn’t have his teleprompter written in hooked-on-phonics.

So sad. OK, maybe it isn’t
Nick Lachay and Jessica Simpson are breaking up. It was kind of embarrassing; when they asked Jessica if the couple had a prenupt, Jessica sobbed, “No, we have a little Cockapoo named Daisy.”

Have I mentioned this before?
*The Chicago Cubs have lost seven out eight games to lose the wild card playoff birth. You know the difference between the Chicago Cubs and the average leaf? At least the leaf looks good when it drops in the Fall.

Not sure how this works, but
The Drudge Report shows a photograph of John Kerry bringing notes to the debate lectern, a violation of the ground rules. If that’s true, than the credit for winning the debate should be taken away from John Kerry and credited to gymnast Paul Hamm.

In his defense, Kerry said the notes were provided by CBS, so it was all merely phony information anyway.

Since you asked:
It’s all over now, including the crying. The Chicago Cubs, or, if you will, the Anti-Astros, are out of the playoffs. It’s like that poor guy bouncing around on the highway after falling off of a speeding truck; after a few bounces on the pavement, you don’t feel anything.

Unlike last year’s collapse, this Cubs plummet happened before we were on our knees with the ring when the girl announced she’s leaving us for the drummer of the Slut Magnets, so it wasn't as bad. This year she announced she's leaving us for the Slut Magnets drummer during dinner with our parents, so that's not nearly as bad.

And just when you think the Cubs couldn’t make things worse, Sammy Sosa shows all the class of a drunken telemarketer by ditching the team before the end of the last game, therefore insuring that no team in their right mind will want to pony up for his over-sized ego and salary.

Oh, so you don't think we can blame Sosa for the Cubs collapse? We get at least 20 of Sammy's 30 A.W.O.L. RBI's and we don't get at least five stinking wins? How many times did Sammy whiff going for the fence when all we needed was to move the runner in scoring position? Too many to try and remember. Where is that Vodka?

Another bad Cub move? They let Chip Carey get away, a perfectly good and classy announcer – as proven by the amazing class he showed when announcing his departure. (No wonder he couldn’t stay with the Cubs. Can you tell I am a tad bitter?)

Now, for the final coup de gras, the Cubs will probably try and make things worse and let Steve Stone go. Steve Stone isn’t an announcer, he is a damn soothsayer. Stoney never second guesses, he predicts what’s going to happen with amazing accuracy. Stone is the first to tell the fans when Dusty does something well. Guess what? Losing seven out of eight at the end ain't doing so well, so Stone says so. And who the hell gives a rat's ass about that weasel whiner Mercker?

Four words, Cubs: Dump Mercker, keep Stone.

It could be worse, Cubs fans, they could ask Joe Carter back to the booth. Oh, no, you don't suppose . . . ?