Monday, October 04, 2004

This just in:
Iraqi Militant Muslims released a video of two hostages being shot; you know a situation is bad when a video of hostages merely getting shot is a big improvement. “Oh, look, they didn’t chop off their heads, how sweet . . . “

We all up in this Hooptie like the road dog-izzles what we be, so you best recognize, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Mommy, why does my ugly-haired doll keep firing me?”
*There is a Donald Trump doll out. Insane hairdresser sold separately.

You pull the string and the Donald Trump doll says 17 different catch phrases like, you’re fired, think big, stay focused and holy crap I’m a greedy bastard.

Sing us a song, you’re the cradle robber . . .
“Piano Man” 55-year-old Billy Joel married 23-year-old Kate Lee. That’s a gap of 32 years. Look for Joel’s updated hit; “We Didn’t Start the Fire . . . without help from Viagra.”

Look for Joel’s updated hit; “She’s Always a Woman . . . as of five years ago.”

Look for Joel’s updated hit; “The Longest Time . . . Between Our Birthdays.”

I may have mentioned this before
Did you see that shot of John Kerry tossing the football around on the tarmac? And here I didn’t even know Kerry was taking Levitra.

That’s a lot
*Kobe Bryant disclosed to the Colorado police that Shaquille O’Neal has paid women up to a million dollars to be quiet about his indiscretions. You thought Shaq’s dance card was full before? Wait until women hear that he hands out a million bucks.

When asked what she thought about Shaq’s million dollar sexual encounters, Paris Hilton said; “Wow, that’s a lot of money for sex, but I guess I can afford to pay it.”

Life imitates motto
*According to the New York Times, the Army is having a hard time attracting recruits. In fact, recruitment is so bad that, at the current rate, in twenty years, it really could be an army of one.

*Experts said President Bush and John Kerry made mistakes in the debate Thursday night. Apparently Kerry made a mistake when he gave the wrong cost of the war in Iraq; President Bush made a mistake when he didn’t have his teleprompter written in hooked-on-phonics.

So sad. OK, maybe it isn’t
Nick Lachay and Jessica Simpson are breaking up. It was kind of embarrassing; when they asked Jessica if the couple had a prenupt, Jessica sobbed, “No, we have a little Cockapoo named Daisy.”

Have I mentioned this before?
*The Chicago Cubs have lost seven out eight games to lose the wild card playoff birth. You know the difference between the Chicago Cubs and the average leaf? At least the leaf looks good when it drops in the Fall.

Not sure how this works, but
The Drudge Report shows a photograph of John Kerry bringing notes to the debate lectern, a violation of the ground rules. If that’s true, than the credit for winning the debate should be taken away from John Kerry and credited to gymnast Paul Hamm.

In his defense, Kerry said the notes were provided by CBS, so it was all merely phony information anyway.

Since you asked:
It’s all over now, including the crying. The Chicago Cubs, or, if you will, the Anti-Astros, are out of the playoffs. It’s like that poor guy bouncing around on the highway after falling off of a speeding truck; after a few bounces on the pavement, you don’t feel anything.

Unlike last year’s collapse, this Cubs plummet happened before we were on our knees with the ring when the girl announced she’s leaving us for the drummer of the Slut Magnets, so it wasn't as bad. This year she announced she's leaving us for the Slut Magnets drummer during dinner with our parents, so that's not nearly as bad.

And just when you think the Cubs couldn’t make things worse, Sammy Sosa shows all the class of a drunken telemarketer by ditching the team before the end of the last game, therefore insuring that no team in their right mind will want to pony up for his over-sized ego and salary.

Oh, so you don't think we can blame Sosa for the Cubs collapse? We get at least 20 of Sammy's 30 A.W.O.L. RBI's and we don't get at least five stinking wins? How many times did Sammy whiff going for the fence when all we needed was to move the runner in scoring position? Too many to try and remember. Where is that Vodka?

Another bad Cub move? They let Chip Carey get away, a perfectly good and classy announcer – as proven by the amazing class he showed when announcing his departure. (No wonder he couldn’t stay with the Cubs. Can you tell I am a tad bitter?)

Now, for the final coup de gras, the Cubs will probably try and make things worse and let Steve Stone go. Steve Stone isn’t an announcer, he is a damn soothsayer. Stoney never second guesses, he predicts what’s going to happen with amazing accuracy. Stone is the first to tell the fans when Dusty does something well. Guess what? Losing seven out of eight at the end ain't doing so well, so Stone says so. And who the hell gives a rat's ass about that weasel whiner Mercker?

Four words, Cubs: Dump Mercker, keep Stone.

It could be worse, Cubs fans, they could ask Joe Carter back to the booth. Oh, no, you don't suppose . . . ?