Thursday, October 07, 2004

This just in:
Good news. Elton John is back on his menopause medication. Elton screamed at the Taiwanese photographers, he let Madonna have it for lip-synching. You know who Elton should scream at is however put that muskrat he calls a toupee on top of his head.

Elton John is lucky P.E.T.A. doesn't boycott his skull.

So that’s how we gonna play it up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Paris in the Fall
*It’s been reported that Paris Hilton is consulting specialists about having the name of an ex-boyfriend removed from her rear end. She really wants it off, the guy’s name is Hugh Jass.

Paris might keep it, just like a broken clock is right twice a day, odds are she’ll date another guy with the same name.

Paris might have the guy’s name replaced with the phrase: Take a number.

Preposterous I tell you
*When John Kerry was asked if he might be too aloof and aristocratic for the more personal town hall format, Kerry said; “Balderdash and rot. Why, my good man, I can condescend to peons as well as the next fellow.”

Am I the only one who thinks that John Kerry and Homer Simpson’s boss, Mr. Burns, went to the same prep school?

Too easy a mark sometimes
Both candidates are preparing for Friday’s debate; when asked if he thought he could recover from his inertia, President Bush said; “My inertia feels better since I stopped jogging.’

The next debate is a town hall format that will require the candidates to be more spontaneous; when asked if he could be speak extemporaneously, Bush replied, “No, but I speak Spanish real good.”

Good news bad news
*The bad news for Wrigley Field is they were fined $6,725 for renovating a landmark without a permit when they repaired the cement that fell from the ceiling. The good news? When the cement fell, they found Jimmy Hoffa.

*Former Oakland raider kicker Cole Murdoch Ford, 31, is being sought for shooting at Siegfried and Roy’s house in Las Vegas. People who were familiar with Ford’s NFL career were shocked; they couldn’t believe he could actually hit the house.

Math problem
*In the debate, Dick Cheney said that 10 million are registered to vote in Afghanistan. He left out the part that 4 million of those are camels.

Replace Bush jokes with Britney jokes
*Britney Spears has released a song about her life and marriage called “My Prerogative.” I don’t think Britney wrote it. When they asked her about her prerogative, Britney said; “It has great acceleration.”