Tuesday, October 05, 2004

We quality like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not a dry diaper, I mean eye in the house

*“Piano Man” 55-year-old Billy Joel married 23-year-old Kate Lee. It was a touching ceremony, afterwards, the happy couple waved to the guests, got in his car and drove right into a house.

I don’t want to imply that Billy Joel is a bad driver, or that his new bride is too young, but I hope before they drive anywhere, Billy makes sure his new bride is well-strapped into her car seat.

In comic strip and cartoon terms
*The Vice Presidential debate is tonight, Dick Cheney versus John Edwards. It’s the Penguin vs. Dudley Do-Right.

The vice president debates will determine who is the most qualified to fill a completely useless position. It’s like the proverbial contest to see who can whisper the loudest.

Madman across the water
*Did you hear about the scary eruption from Mount St. Elton?

Elton John trashed Madonna by saying; “Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay to see them should be shot.” I guess that means he thinks Britney Spears should be nuked.

Trashing Taiwanese photographers, Madonna, when did Sir Elton John get so grumpy? Apparently the bitch really is back.

Not a good marketing fit
*ABC’s “Desperate Housewives” debut was a hit. I didn’t see “Desperate Housewives” but I am willing to bet the sponsor wasn’t Viagra.

Not since then
*Sadly, actress Janet Leigh passed away. She’s famous for the shower murder scene in “Psycho.” It was the scariest thing to ever happen in a shower up until Michael Moore stopped taking baths.

From my comedy writing buddy Janice Hough in Palo Alto
*Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa is in trouble for leaving the last Cubs game way before it was over; in addition, today Sosa was named an honorary Los Angeles Dodgers fan.

How fat are they?
*A new report indicates that child obesity is at a dangerous level. To give you an idea, many teenage boys have gotten so fat, their pants actually fit.

At least
*President Bush and John Kerry will again go head-to-head on Friday. Just the fact that they are going head-to-head, on size alone, that makes Kerry a two-to-one favorite.

The exacta
German technicians have a new cell phone that detects bad breath. Now when you talk loudly in public you can find out that you are being both rude as well as offensive.

Same time
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston will write a self-help book for couples with marital problems; that should come out at the same time as “Ruben Stoddard’s Diet Tips.”

We kid the Michael Moore
When asked what she likes in a man, singer Gwen Stefani said; “Don’t shave, don’t shower, be really stinky and wear the same clothes everyday. What makes a man sexy is not being self-aware.” As a result, Stefani then announced she is now engaged to filmmaker Michael Moore.

Move over, rover, let Britney take over
*Britney Spears announced to Britain’s OK! that she is writing a “Letter of Truth” that will state, on her website, where she is in her life. Move over Magna Carta and Ten Commandments.

Writing the letter hasn’t been easy for Britney; she can’t figure out how to lip-synch a letter.

Give us a break one time
*Tiger Woods imported 500 red roses to a Barbados island where he is with his fiancé Elin Nordegren, yet Woods denied rumors he’s getting married. Oh please, the only time a guy would buy that many roses is either for a wedding or a screw up of Kobe Bryant proportions.