Wednesday, October 06, 2004

This just in:
Thanks to a deal between Netflix and TiVo you will be able to buy and download movies right into your DVD player. But this technology is not available yet, folks, so you’ll have to wait to run into Blockbuster and flip-off the rude, snotty clerks.

We got nothin’ but the love for that there beeyaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not one more word from you, young man
*I did not envy John Edwards during his debate against Dick Cheney; he looked like a high school freshman debating the principal. At any second I expected Cheney to send Edwards to detention.

President Bush was very excited by Dick Cheney’s performance. Bush gushed, “See? That’s why I picked Dick Cheney to be president in the first place.”

John Edwards continually referenced John Kerry’s debate performance. At one point I half expected Edwards to say; “My running mate can beat up your running mate.”

Bull out to pasture
*Chicago Bull Scotty Pippen announced his retirement from the NBA. Hey Scotty, you’re rich, you’re famous, you’re healthy, you’re retiring young, so why the long face?

How do you say “phew” in Swedish?
*Tiger Woods wed his fiancée Elin Nordegren in the Barbados. Elin is reportedly very relieved. She misunderstood when Tiger said he wanted to have sex with her in the Barbados.

This should teach them
*Shock-jock Howard Stern signed a five-year $500 million dollar deal with satellite radio’s Sirius. Well, if this doesn’t teach kids that there is absolutely nothing to be gained from using foul language, nothing will.

Ricky don’t lose that number
*After a shocking early retirement, Ricky Williams may now want to return to the Miami Dolphins. Upon reflection, Williams probably misses the challenge, his teammates, but I suspect it’s because he would especially miss the $8.6 million in bonuses he owes the Dolphins.

When Ricky quit, didn’t he realize he would have to pay back the advanced bonuses? It’s like getting caught after robbing a bank and being shocked you don’t get to keep the money.

Ricky isn’t dumb, he knows $8.6 million buys a lot of munchies.

Hell hath no fury like a Madman across the water
*Mount St. Elton blew up at Madonna accusing her of ripping off her audience with lip-synching. I haven’t seen Elton John this mad since Liza Minelli dumped him and married David Gest.

Elton was reportedly furious, unfortunately, however, he only figuratively flipped his wig.

Madonna vs. Elton John? Man, how do you pick a winner in this cat fight? What if it goes to the rude, unpleasant diva that has fired the most personal assistants? No, then it would go to Barbra Streisand . . .

How . . . ulgy . . . is . . . it?
*This campaign is getting ugly. Did you see somebody leaked the x-rays of the shrapnel stuck in John Kerry’s leg? And now there are x-rays of the straw stuck in George Bush’s nose.

You know what . . .
*Is it just me or does John Kerry’s head look like a wax replica of Gregory Peck’s head that was left too close to the heater?

. . . for tat
Maybe it’s just me, but when President Bush gets that intent look on his face, I half expect him to start to pick the fleas out of his partner’s fur.

Since you asked:
(In my best Ali-G) Yo check, awwwwiight? Mad Props we has to gives out to my main manizzle, the Cone-bone, Conie abolone, the Conizzle O'Bizzle, yo.

But seriously, "The Late Show" (Did I say "Late Show", I mean "Late Night with Conan O'Brien") knocked it out of the park with a skit last night. (Once again, all hail the TiVo) The premise is they send celebrities questions and the celebrities respond. They asked; "I have trouble getting out of bed when blank." Colin Ferrell said "When I've been out drinking"; Brad Pitt said "When it's cold"; and Star Jones said "When the pulleys are broken."

Mean? A little. Funny? You bet. But the best was, "Without my makeup, I look like blank." Christine Aguilera said "A tomboy"; John Travolta said "My dad", and John Kerry said "A blood hound's scrotum."

Who would have ever thought the best punchline of the day from all of the talk shows would be "A blood hound's scrotum"?

And who had to do the research on that one?

"Easy Chester, I'm just going to lift your tail. Yep, it sure does look like Senator Kerry."