Friday, October 08, 2004

This just in;
Sadly, in her first singing debut in Miami, Paris Hilton was so bad she was booed from the stage; when asked if that hurt her pride, Paris said; “What the hell is pride?”

Now, see, that’s how we roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Still working on California

A poll reveals that, although California voters give Arnold Schwarzenegger high marks as governor, they don’t want him to be President. You have to think Arnold would say that’s hypocritical, if only Arnold could pronounce the word hypocritical.

Not as close as one might think
*The election is coming down to the wire. Here’s the bad news for President Bush, if, at the end, the race is neck and neck, with the size of John Kerry’s head, Bush will lose by a lot.

Prison: It’s a bad thing
*Martha Stewart showed up for prison today. I’m not sure she gets it; Martha brought flowers and a bottle of wine.

*The good news for Martha is that her cellmate is a really big fan. The bad news for Martha? Her cellmate is a really, really big fan.

It’s fun to joke about Martha Stewart but I feel sorry for her on her first night in prison. Here’s hoping that Martha finds a really nice inmate to turn into her bitch.

Can you believe Martha Stewart is in prison and O.J. Simpson is free? We can only hope that, before OJ kills his next victims, he first lies to the feds about insider trading.

You know what I would love to see? Martha Stewart’s offices while she is locked up. Can’t you just see the stacks of empty beer cans, drunken limbo contests and naked-butt photocopying?

Not that bad
*Tourists are flocking to watch Mt. St. Helens spew steam. That doesn’t sound very smart, but it could be more dangerous, they could be at an Elton John concert.

Right off the bat
*The first Presidential debate question tonight? Which would make a scarier Halloween costume, going as Mt. St. Helens or Elton John?

President Bush has a secret plan; if things start to go bad during the debate, he is going to yell out; "Hey, the Yankees are playing the Twins right now on ESPN."

That’s a lot of work right there
*Jennifer Lopez is appearing on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Right now, in Las Vegas, you can get ten-to-one that even James Lipton can’t kiss all of that butt.

I am confused, don’t the guests on “Inside the Actors Studio” actually have to be actors?

Actually, Jennifer Lopez deserves to be in “Inside the Actors Studio” besides the disastrous “Gigli” she has appeared in many good films, for example, well there was, OK, who could forget J. Lo’s role in, um, there was that time she made . . . well at least she’s better than Madonna.

It’s a crime how they snubbed Carrot Top
*You know who was featured on A&E’s “Biography”? The Rock. Apparently we have completely run out of accomplished people in this country.

Did I just say that?
Porn stars have made a movie in support of John Kerry. Really. I don’t want to give anything away but the plot will remind of you John Kerry: A lot of head.

Since you asked:
Last night I was sitting there like a lord: two Labradors snoozing at my feet as I swilled red wine and munched grilled and beer boiled brats with an amazingly great stone-ground English mustard while watching the Dodgers and the Cardinals on the blessed TiVo.

As the sun started to set into the warm, golden, gloaming, it suddenly occurred to me that it was a very relaxing and pleasant experience. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would prefer that the Cubs were still playing, but the detachment and objectivity – not to mention the wine - created an air of calm that I would not have felt if the Cubs had me on pins and needles, so in a way it was quite soothing and . . . DAMMIT, HOW COULD THEY LOSE EIGHT OUT OF TEN? THEY WERE ON AN EFFIN’ ROLE UNTIL THOSE MISERABLE, ROTTEN, NO GOOD, FILTHY, LOW-LIFE, STINKIN’ METS. MOMMY. MOMMY . . . sorry, sorry. Whew. Hmm HMM. Happy place, Lex. Happy place. No, really, I’m getting much better. (Twitch, twitch, rock, rock)