Friday, September 17, 2004

This just in:
Did you know that, in the event of a tie, the teams in the Major League wild card hunt could have their tie-breaking home field fate determined by a flip of the coin? The Chicago Cubs don’t care as long as the guy flipping the coin isn’t that foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman.

In New York City a judge refused to overturn a verdict even though one of the jurors admitted he drank while on jury duty. They should have suspected he was drunk every time the juror stood up and said; “I object, your honor.”

We all up on this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bush whacked
*On this date in 1972 the show “M.A.S.H.” debuted. “M.A.S.H.” was a popular show about a military hospital; it was also the closest President Bush ever got to receiving a purple heart.

Dear Penthou, I mean CBS . . .
*I could kind of tell that memo to Dan Rather was a phony:

“Dear Mr. Rather: I never believed your stories were true, that is until it happened to me the other night. I attend a small Northeastern college, I was alone in my room when I heard a knock on my door . . . “

*Rocker Tommy Lee has a book out. And you won’t believe what’s on the book’s complimentary extra-long book mark . . .

A shoe-in
*Saturday is the Miss America pageant. They announced they will feature more skin and less talent. More skin and less talent? Why not just go ahead and give the award to Britney Spears.

You hate to see that
*A poll by the Pew Research center said the presidential race is dead even between Bush and Kerry. I hope this doesn’t make John Kerry cocky, you’d hate to see him get a big head.

Hola, Senior Flippia El Floppio
*Did you know that John Kerry speaks Spanish? He spoke Spanish in an ad many months ago. The Spanish-speaking people love Kerry. They affectionately call him Casaba Grande.

Pssssst, you didn’t hear this from moi . . .
Some lurid details are coming out of the Kobe Bryant testimony on CD. Let’s just say that the name Kobe isn’t the only thing Bryant has in common with a lot of beef.

Martha will get a visitor in prison: Jacob Marley
Martha Stewart has asked to start serving her prison sentence immediately even though she says she’s sad that she’d miss the holidays. Martha loves Christmas, especially when her employees ask for Christmas day off and she gets to tell them that Christmas is a Humbug.

Since you asked:
Lord knows I loves me the technology, but is there some reason the good things have to have such stupid names? TiVo, iPod, Blogger, Yahoo, E-Bay, Google? It’s like having a great Labrador retriever and letting your kids name it Mr. Scooters. The only one that doesn't have a dork name is Blackberry.

We may have to institute a rule that, although the inventors of these items may very well be brilliant with technology, they are, after all, still nerds, and the responsibility of naming these products should go to someone else. As smart as he his, Bill Gates named his monolith with not one, but two names no real guy ever wants to hear in the bedroom: Micro and Soft.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Oh, now, it don’t have to go all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Duke and Duke
*Jessica Simpson has been cast to play Daisy Duke in a remake movie of “The Dukes of Hazard” television show. When asked if she thought the famous Daisy Duke shorts were too titillating, Jessica said, “No, they’re not titillating, they’re ass-illating.”

Jessica Simpson is excited about being in the “Dukes of Hazard” movie. Jessica said she’s always wanted to portray royalty.

Not quite the same
*Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in her entire audience a car. And today, Jerry Springer gave everyone in his audience a bus pass.

Don' y'all be callin us no white trash or nuffin'
*Britney Spear’s mother is furious that the press portrays Britney as white trash. Britney’s mom was so mad that when she spoke-out, her un-filtered Marlboro and her wad of chewing tobacco flew out of her mouth.

Britney Spears has launched a new perfume called Curious. Apparently the perfume, Curious, is named after Britney’s behavior.

Britney Spears has launched a new perfume called Curious. That’s a coincidence, Britney, who has admitted to being bi-curious, wants you to go out and, well, buy Curious.

Look for Britney’s new single, “I’m not a girl, I’m not yet a ‘Ho.”

*Martha Stewart wants to begin her prison term. I don’t know about you, but the Holiday eggnog and roasted chestnut party won’t be the same knowing Martha’s in lockdown with her bitch.

Next on Martha Stewart’s Living: How to decorate razor wire with Mistletoe.

Let’s be nice, girls
*The American/European Ryder Cup golf competition is this weekend and the European press is making fun of the all-blonde, American team’s wives labeling them the Peroxide Army. It’s getting catty. The American women made fun of the varied colored unruly hair of the European women. And that’s just in their armpits.

That old chestnut?
*San Diego Padres rookie-great Khalil Greene is out for the season. The injury isn’t as bad as first thought. Initially Greene complained that it hurt when he touched his knee, his shoulder, his arm and his head. Turns out the blonde-haired Greene sustained a broken finger.

No, not really
*We’ve had hurricane Francis and now Ivan. I’m looking forward to hurricane Oprah, instead of wind and rain, hurricane Oprah dumps a new car on your lawn.

Since you asked:
Let me give you some sage TiVo advice when it comes to the Cubs. When recording the Cubs games, always include “The Tenth Inning Show.” If the game goes long, you are more likely to see the end. Not only that, as painful as it is, record whatever crap show WGN has listed after “The Tenth Inning, since it is only 15 minutes long.” Whether it’s “Cosby” or, lord help us, “Saved by the Bell” it is better than missing some extra innings. Sure, you’re TiVo will now think you’re a dweeb and record episodes of “Full House” and “Dawson’s Creek” on it’s own while snickering at you - because it now thinks you like crap sitcoms - it is better than missing the end of the game, ala Sammy’s Grand Salami yesterdiddy.

Go Cubs.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

We gonna get our silly on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . . sis . . . you’ve got the idea
Man, it has been hot here this year. I’ve been sweating like a guy going in an airplane bathroom right after Michael Moore.

Sounds familiar
*John Kerry gave a pep talk to the Mansfield, Ohio high school football team that promptly went out and lost 34-7. Kerry told them to go out there and win one for the Flipper.

Criminal B.S.
*Crime is at a 30 year low. Well, except at CBS.

It appears the supposed 1970’s documents on President Bush’s National Guard CBS aired may have been produced on a current version of Microsoft’s Word software. In addition, CBS is beginning to doubt the validity of its DVD recording of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

On the bright side
*Texas Ranger reliever Frank Francisco was arrested after throwing a chair at the Oakland fans at an A’s game. The good news for Francisco is that he will pick up a lucrative endorsement deal from Ikea.

In addition to assault chargers, Francisco was accused of imitating Bobby Knight.

Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain
*To launch her “Wildest Dreams Come True” theme, Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in her entire audience a car. 276 cars. And to continue her “Wildest Dreams Come True” today Oprah gave Dick Cheney a heart, the French courage and President Bush a brain.

That sounds about right
*President Bush spoke to a National Guard convention at Las Vegas. Bush told the National Guard members to serve as he had, so they immediately left the speech to go drink, gamble and chase hookers.

*Anyone see NBC’s new show “LAX”? It was a little slow. It shows the cast taking twenty minutes just make it through security.

Now that is excited
*The Chicago Cubs won a big 12-inning game 3-2 against the Pittsburgh Pirates on Corey Patterson’s walk-off second home run. One Cubs fan was so excited, he gave Oprah Winfrey a car.

Misery 2
*Bill Clinton is back home under Hillary’s care. Why does this make me think of the expression: payback is a bitch? “Oh, you’d like some chicken soup? Why don’t you get one of your little whores to go get it for you.”

Saw this one coming
*Marion Berry is making a coming back, he is going to run for a Washington D.C. city council seat. He should win, as we all know, Barry is a crack politician.

Good news bad news kinda thang
John Kerry is slipping in the polls. The good news for Kerry is that a smart political figure says Kerry’s campaign is going to be fine; the bad news is that political figure is Howard Dean.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

This just in:
U2 has been nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That's how you know you're getting old, when a band you still think of as hip and fairly new gets inducted into the hall of fame.

Don't tell anyone, it's supposed to be a surprise, but when they induct U2 into the Hall of Fame, they are going to surprise them with that thing they found that U2 was looking for. You know, that thing.

My favorite word lately? The name of the band Hoobastank. I don't know much about the band, but I have been repeating the name like an over-caffeinated adolescent. Hoobastank. I think I even called Wrigley Hoobastank once. He didn't like it. He did that head-cock thing dogs and George Clooney do.

Can you put an izzle on the sizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Oprah largess
By now you've heard about the 276 Pontiacs Oprah gave her audience. I thought it would be funny to go out and get everyone who reads this blog today one of those little Hot Wheel cars, but it was too expensive and too much trouble so we blew it off.

Oprah has really dug a hole for herself now. Now when she shows up at somebody's house for dinner they are going to be thinking; "Oh sure, Oprah gives her audience cars, we get some lousy flowers and a stinking bottle of wine."

Now when Oprah shows up to work it's, "Oh great, everyone in the audience got a car, she gets us bagels and donuts."

How would you like to be the Oprah audience right before the one that got the cars? That's like being the girl who broke up with Bill Gates in high school.

They're over 30% full of it
*There are now a lot of questions about the authenticity of these memos shown on '60 Minutes' about President Bush and his service in the National Guard. How can you trust a show that's called "Sixty minutes" when it is really only about forty minutes after commercials?

Lower. Get it?
*For the debates John Kerry is arguing for both to stand behind a podium and Bush wants both to sit at a desk. Some feel this is a ploy for Kerry to show voters he is taller than Bush. You know, I knew this would eventually descend to these guys measuring their body parts, but I thought it would occur at a lower level.

Since you asked;
Oh, yes, I am taking my game up a notch as we sprecken, Slats and Nugs.

Got me a hankerin' to grill up some pork tenderloin. The best thing for pork - since it is both tender and flavorful, but can dry out - is the sugar and salt, i.e. brine marinade. A quarter cup of Kosher salt and half a cup of sugar in a tub of water more than twice big enough to cover the pork loin. Marinate for several hours. This, essentially, replaces the blood with much more and tastier fake blood making it next to impossible to dry the pork out. (It's one of the things I do with my baby back ribs)

But did I stop there? Ohhhhhh nooooooo. Instead of sugar I used Maple syrup for a smokier flavor. Genius? Well, genius might be a bit strong, but . . . But did I stop there? Ohhhhhh noooooo (This is starting to sound like my McGregor-the-sheep-*givlrt joke) I cooked me up some bacon and tossed that in with the maple-brine marinade. But will I stop there? Ohhhhhhhh nooooooo. I am going to use my smoker box to smoke up some water-soaked hickory chips.

Mmmmm, mmmm. Along with a buttery Marsala wine sauce that is to-die-for and steamed broccoli with fresh Parmesan cheese and an avocado, tomato, olive oil and balsamic salad and a glass of Merlot, the fine dining company of Virg, the Stinker, and the beasts, Kasey and Wrigley, hot air balloons floating overhead as well as the Cubs game on TiVo, well, Bob's your Uncle, Slats and Nugs, Bob is your frickin' Uncle.

Fantasy Football update. My team sucks. Why did I take Jeremy Shockey and that stiff, Stephan Davis? Both could have been arrested for loitering.

* See the keys immediately to the left of those letters on the keyboard.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Oh, snap, it goin’ to get HECTIC up in here. Why they gonna try me like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

This just in:
Oprah Winfrey gave her entire audience a car. 276 cars. In a related story, Jerry Springer gave his entire audience head lice.

Not quite the same
Did you happen to see the Tom Brokaw “Dateline” special Friday with the incredible story of Aaron Ralston, the hiker who, after four days of being pinned by a boulder, amputated his arm? And to think I actually get upset when my computer freezes and I have to reboot.

Low exchange rate
*Canadian Mike Weir blew a commanding lead and lost in a playoff to Vijay Singh in the 100th Canadian Open. I haven’t seen Canadians this upset since they cancelled; “The Dudley Doo-Right Show.”

I don’t want to say Weir blew up, but Sunday, Weir put the uck in Canuck.

Since you asked:
There is nothing like getting some vacation pictures back to launch a fitness program. Right now I have launched a fairly rigorous work out and eating plan. The eating is fairly easy; I cut out McDonalds, corndogs, greasy burgers, sloppy Mexican food and any and all deserts and a lot of carbs- without turning into an Atkins Nazi. This isn’t too hard. And since I grill a lot it is pretty easy to make a dinner healthy; grill some fish, or lean meat, a grilled or steamed veggie and serve it with a salad, and Bob's your Uncle.

My workouts are pretty good. Had a nice run Saturday, good hard bike ride on Friday. Thanks to new training advances I do less weights and more balance and push-ups, pull-ups, jump roping, and ball crunches and balance exercises. They feel great.

My real nemesis to fitness? The wine. Lord help me, I love the wine. The problem with the wine is that, it not only turns into fat, the judgment goes away increasing your chances of eating something stupid late. Plus, if you have too much, you don’t feel like working out the next day.

How do you know you had too much wine? You guessed it, the hangover. So, as a service, I would like to borrow Tom Ridge’s terror alert color-coding system to identify the five different levels of hangovers.

Level one, Green. Low.
This is the healthy, “no hangover” level. You drank like they do in the movies: a stylish glass before dinner and one during. Good for you, you smug son-of-a-bitch, do you think this makes you better than everyone else? Get out here, you whimp.

Level two, Blue. Guarded.
OK, you maybe didn’t need that last glass, or the one before it, but hey, nobody is perfect and you were watching a movie and the characters were drinking and you didn’t want them to have to drink alone. Your eyes feel a little heavy. You’re a wee bit tired from the lack of good REM sleep and the sight of the unfinished glass of wine on the coffee table the next morning makes you cringe. Big deal? You weren’t “drunk” and you weren’t driving anywhere, right? Nobody’s perfect. Besides, you worked out that day, so you deserve it. Don’t beat yourself up. Plus it will inspire you to workout again today to burn off any excess.

Level three, Yellow. Elevated.
You wake up and think, “Oh uh.” You swing your feet to the floor and test your head. Not as bad as you thought, huh? Wrong. Just wait until that first bad wave hits. By one o’clock those bad waves will by crashing onto your deck like “The Perfect Storm.” Your mouth AND eyes are dry, and you woke dead awake at 2:00 am when your body converted the booze to sugar. You overdid it, you slob, and you will pay. Oh, yes, you will pay, my friend. You will be grumpy, sweaty and your face will not fit properly the entire day, no matter how many times you try to adjust it. Luckily you were just barely smart enough to realize you went overboard and you drank a bunch of water before you went to bed. If you do workout, it is just to torture yourself for being a fool.

Level Four, Orange: High.
You were hammered my friend. Chances are somebody was plying you with free booze and you felt that it would be rude not to down ALL OF IT. (Fortunately, these events do not occur very often, the rare wild party, or a promotion or a trip to Mexico or Vegas). It is emergency fix it time. You need fluids (Gatorade) and vitamins and pain-killers in large amounts. (Watch the Tylenol, it doesn’t treat a boozy liver well) Work is going to be torture, working out is an impossibility. You just need to try and live through the day until you can go to bed early and pretend it didn’t happen. Chances are you’ll still feel pretty bad the next day.

Level Five, Red. Severe.
Repeat after me: “I want to talk to my attorney.” If you hit level five, you need to discuss taking a little twelve-step walk. Shots, chugging beers, throwing up, falling down and blacking out is cute for about a couple of months when you are 22-years-old. After that, it is just plain sad. Grow up or get help.

The key is not to cross from one level to another. Green to Blue is too easy. That’s just a case of; “Hey, look there’s another bottle.” Yellow to Orange can easily happen at one of our barbeque dinner parties. Mental note: Alex, you don’t have to fill up your glass every time you fill up someone else’s.