Monday, September 13, 2004

Oh, snap, it goin’ to get HECTIC up in here. Why they gonna try me like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

This just in:
Oprah Winfrey gave her entire audience a car. 276 cars. In a related story, Jerry Springer gave his entire audience head lice.

Not quite the same
Did you happen to see the Tom Brokaw “Dateline” special Friday with the incredible story of Aaron Ralston, the hiker who, after four days of being pinned by a boulder, amputated his arm? And to think I actually get upset when my computer freezes and I have to reboot.

Low exchange rate
*Canadian Mike Weir blew a commanding lead and lost in a playoff to Vijay Singh in the 100th Canadian Open. I haven’t seen Canadians this upset since they cancelled; “The Dudley Doo-Right Show.”

I don’t want to say Weir blew up, but Sunday, Weir put the uck in Canuck.

Since you asked:
There is nothing like getting some vacation pictures back to launch a fitness program. Right now I have launched a fairly rigorous work out and eating plan. The eating is fairly easy; I cut out McDonalds, corndogs, greasy burgers, sloppy Mexican food and any and all deserts and a lot of carbs- without turning into an Atkins Nazi. This isn’t too hard. And since I grill a lot it is pretty easy to make a dinner healthy; grill some fish, or lean meat, a grilled or steamed veggie and serve it with a salad, and Bob's your Uncle.

My workouts are pretty good. Had a nice run Saturday, good hard bike ride on Friday. Thanks to new training advances I do less weights and more balance and push-ups, pull-ups, jump roping, and ball crunches and balance exercises. They feel great.

My real nemesis to fitness? The wine. Lord help me, I love the wine. The problem with the wine is that, it not only turns into fat, the judgment goes away increasing your chances of eating something stupid late. Plus, if you have too much, you don’t feel like working out the next day.

How do you know you had too much wine? You guessed it, the hangover. So, as a service, I would like to borrow Tom Ridge’s terror alert color-coding system to identify the five different levels of hangovers.

Level one, Green. Low.
This is the healthy, “no hangover” level. You drank like they do in the movies: a stylish glass before dinner and one during. Good for you, you smug son-of-a-bitch, do you think this makes you better than everyone else? Get out here, you whimp.

Level two, Blue. Guarded.
OK, you maybe didn’t need that last glass, or the one before it, but hey, nobody is perfect and you were watching a movie and the characters were drinking and you didn’t want them to have to drink alone. Your eyes feel a little heavy. You’re a wee bit tired from the lack of good REM sleep and the sight of the unfinished glass of wine on the coffee table the next morning makes you cringe. Big deal? You weren’t “drunk” and you weren’t driving anywhere, right? Nobody’s perfect. Besides, you worked out that day, so you deserve it. Don’t beat yourself up. Plus it will inspire you to workout again today to burn off any excess.

Level three, Yellow. Elevated.
You wake up and think, “Oh uh.” You swing your feet to the floor and test your head. Not as bad as you thought, huh? Wrong. Just wait until that first bad wave hits. By one o’clock those bad waves will by crashing onto your deck like “The Perfect Storm.” Your mouth AND eyes are dry, and you woke dead awake at 2:00 am when your body converted the booze to sugar. You overdid it, you slob, and you will pay. Oh, yes, you will pay, my friend. You will be grumpy, sweaty and your face will not fit properly the entire day, no matter how many times you try to adjust it. Luckily you were just barely smart enough to realize you went overboard and you drank a bunch of water before you went to bed. If you do workout, it is just to torture yourself for being a fool.

Level Four, Orange: High.
You were hammered my friend. Chances are somebody was plying you with free booze and you felt that it would be rude not to down ALL OF IT. (Fortunately, these events do not occur very often, the rare wild party, or a promotion or a trip to Mexico or Vegas). It is emergency fix it time. You need fluids (Gatorade) and vitamins and pain-killers in large amounts. (Watch the Tylenol, it doesn’t treat a boozy liver well) Work is going to be torture, working out is an impossibility. You just need to try and live through the day until you can go to bed early and pretend it didn’t happen. Chances are you’ll still feel pretty bad the next day.

Level Five, Red. Severe.
Repeat after me: “I want to talk to my attorney.” If you hit level five, you need to discuss taking a little twelve-step walk. Shots, chugging beers, throwing up, falling down and blacking out is cute for about a couple of months when you are 22-years-old. After that, it is just plain sad. Grow up or get help.

The key is not to cross from one level to another. Green to Blue is too easy. That’s just a case of; “Hey, look there’s another bottle.” Yellow to Orange can easily happen at one of our barbeque dinner parties. Mental note: Alex, you don’t have to fill up your glass every time you fill up someone else’s.